The magma fissue is taking up to much of my time, yet the trainers all tell me that I am not yet ready for the thirty-second level of training. I continue on, training night and day, forging my way through the darkness. I am no hero, and I do not presume to be, but there are those out there who are, and it is they that inspire me to continue my training.

It is tough when I do not have a shoulder to return to. Venus trains on her own, and as such, I may only spend time with her when we return to the inn together. I have been accused of becoming an "Inn Zombie" due to her, and I say that it is only half true. Yes, I spend more time in the inns around Valorn than I used to, but it is much better than the fanatical training that I had been doing.

Venus has opened my eyes to many things, including that of my son, Elysian. I have moved in with Danica, taking her spare room in order that I be close to Elysian...it hurts me to be there, because I can see the pain in Danica's eyes everytime I arrive at the door. I still do not enter without knocking, because I feel it is an invasion to her privacy, and that of Elysian's as well. He is my own son, and his mother, whom I love but cannot be with, holds me in spite.

I am not saying that what she feels towards me is not well deserved, as it is. What I am saying is that she extended to me an invitation to live with her, and with our child, so that he would have the proper taste of fatherhood. I have agreed, though she seemed to have thought that I had changed my mind.

My word is my bond. It is all I have left in a world where everything else was taken from me. I abide by said word, and live by it. I told Danica that I loved her, and I still do. I cannot be with her, because, sadly, she is a reminder of something I had and then lost. She was not a byproduct, she was another point in my llife, a point that I do not regret. I regret only that she had to be pained by my foolishness and immaturity. Yes, I have admitted that what I did was rash, and that I leapt before I knew where my feet would land.

Danica...if you see this when I am gone I wish you to know that I am truly sorry that I could not be what it was you wanted me to be, but if you will still allow, I will be as true a father to Elysian as I can. I didn't have a father who cared for me until it was too late...I do not wish to make the same mistake with my own child. I will try and give him my virtues, and breed out my faults. I wish him to be a better man than I am, or will be.

I do however, have a new responsibility on top of Elysian. I also have become a somewhat surrogate father to Isolde. A son, and a would be daughter. Too much for any man, and yet I enjoy it. To see either of their smiling faces brings me more joy than any I have known in my brief life as yet. Even over the joy of winning the heart of my beautiful Venus.

Children are our future, but more than that, they are our present, our now. We condition them today in order to make them into what they will be tomorrow. We live in the now, and yes, die in the now. When I go, I want nothing more than to be remembered in a good light. I know that my mistakes will haunt me the rest of my life, and as such, I must face them. I will not run from those things for which I am responsible. Not now, not ever.

I am no coward. I am brave, and I know a great deal of common sense. This does not make me stupid. I know when to run and I know when to stand and fight. Just because one retreats does not make them a coward. Only fools stand and fight when they have no chance to survive. Though there are exceptions to every rule.

I am not ready to set my sword upon the hearth. I am not ready to retire my armour. I am not ready to remove the ring from my finger and give up the Holy Order. I will never be ready to do these things. Until I am no longer able to hold a sword in my clenched fist, whether it be in death, old age, or handicap, I will continue to wield my blade with conviction. Until my body breaks down and can no longer support my own weight, I will don armour and dance the dance with death. Until I stand before the Mighty Cory, and he asks me whether I should choose to live again and I say that I have grown weary I will never part this Holy Ring from my finger.

No. I will fight, I will win, and there is no single soul, living or dead, that will stop me from doing so.

The Gods be praised, hail Ben, hail Cory. Your might and Your light envelope me, and help me to continue in the hardships of life, and to overcome.