Venus writes her thoughts
Saturday, 17 September 2005
I am...confused. Not an uncommon state of mind for me, but nonetheless that does not soften the sting of my thoughts churning once more.
I was cleaning out some of the general clutter that seems to have accumulated while my sight was lost, and tucked in a pile of books I had thrust away into a corner was... well, was a book, written neatly in Xanthias's hand. He must have left it the night he spent with me. I suppose it is a fair mercy he did not leave it on the pillow with his note to me, else I might have destroyed it as wantonly as I did that.
The book...the book was his journal. A collection of things written here and there, not near as dense nor as frequent, and nor, I fear, as foolishly as I commit my own thoughts to these unguarded pages. But nonetheless, they were his thoughts. At first I debated on whether to read them at all. It wa spossible he had simply let the book fall on his way out and it had become mised up with my possessions. He had been so weary when he came to me...it seemed I could feel his fatigue seeping through me from the touch of his hands. But I let my traitorous eyes fall on the last page, and found that my name was written simply on it, with "Heart" below. I took this as a sign that he had indeed left it for me. Perhaps he knew how I would treat the other missive. It still hurts me more deeply than I can say that he left without even waking me, when we was so weary and worn. I cannot help but think the sight of me blinded and lost in darkness horrified him beyond belief. Not only physically. I was never beautiful, and I had grown thinner and scrawnier in my blindness, but nothing irrperairable now that I am sound again. I already see the improvements in myself wrought by the simple fact of health. I recall Mylor's words, harsh but spoken, I think, from genuine belief, that he thought Xanthias decieved himself as to his feelings and intentions towards me. The book is, of course, nothing conclusive. I try to bring my mind purely to bear on this, as my heart and I...speak rarely and when we do the results seem oftimes disastrous for us both, and for others around us. Xan certainly writes of strong feelings for me. They were clearly written at different times and in different inks. He did not write the book all at once to decieve me deliberately, that much is clear. As for the rest... they sound genuine to me, as objectively as I can read them. He seems to write from such a foriegn land to me. As I read, I became reminded of the gulf between us in experience and class once more. He writes most guardedly of things that pertain to his family and the life he once led. Perhaps such a life trains you to keep your words guarded in case they fall into the hands of others. Perhaps he simply wrote as a reminder to evoke the memories once more within himself. And I lack the experience to fill them in... How much I lack it. How little I know. In this life, I make sense, and I fulfil a function. Even blind, I did so, though it near broke me. In that kind of life...I make no sense and fulfil no function. As ever, when I think of him I feel dizzy, as if I have lost the solid footing of myself. Is Mylor right? Does he decieve himself in thinking we could ever truly be together?
Once again, emotion makes me foolish and uncertain. Once more I lose my footing in myself. It is not so uncommon, as I said. I was a fool the other night. A new aquaintance recently has been Tienchi, a very friendly and likeable young woman with strong opinions and a streak of stubborness that I can see certain people comparing to my own. She did remind me a little of myself, lacking all the dead and scarred bits of myself that I cannot discard. that being so, we have already clashed once or twice. I can truly see where she is coming from. She, it seems, is another that Mylor has befriended, and it also seems that his despondant behaviour of late has not gone unntoiced. I chance-met both of them on the road betwixt Dundee and Milltown, and Tienchi manouvered us into Cerbie's, where Waterfall was on shift. They, it seemed, wished to confrint him about his behaviour. I...well, I admit to acting most foolishly there. I was angry. It seemed to me that they had acted to decieve my friend. The Gods know he has a right to his own personal life, which I will not write of in these pages. It seemed also to make me complicit. Anger kindled in me suddenly. it wa sonly later that I realised that it reminded me painfully of those women who would come round to my mother's house when I was but little more than a babe. A babe with no father, and her belly swelling with another child already. They spoke in voices of false commisseration, and urged her to tell them all, to mend her ways, sweetened their gossip-mongering with the hint of maybe forcing the man of the village who had so "disgraced" her to wed her... The last of those came after the babe was born still, and never drew breath. She insinuated that maybe it was a mercy it was so, and my mother... well, she turned her cold and empty eyes on her, and the woman seemed to shrink, and fled. And none of them ever crossed her threshold again.
Recalling that, I know there was nothing of that in Tienchi and Waterfall's intent. I know they truly care for Mylor, and wanted to aid him. As did he himself. He near drove me to hitting him by his relaxed and jokey comments while I was spewing forth anger on his behalf. It was stupid of me. I know my friend can take care of himself, better than I could I am sure. Once again I let my emotions run off and do foolish things. I am glad that on cooler reflection I seemed to make it up with both Tienchi and Waterfall. Thye are good people with good hearts, and I would never forgive myself had old angers from the past severed me from them forever.
I was cleaning out some of the general clutter that seems to have accumulated while my sight was lost, and tucked in a pile of books I had thrust away into a corner was... well, was a book, written neatly in Xanthias's hand. He must have left it the night he spent with me. I suppose it is a fair mercy he did not leave it on the pillow with his note to me, else I might have destroyed it as wantonly as I did that.
The book...the book was his journal. A collection of things written here and there, not near as dense nor as frequent, and nor, I fear, as foolishly as I commit my own thoughts to these unguarded pages. But nonetheless, they were his thoughts. At first I debated on whether to read them at all. It wa spossible he had simply let the book fall on his way out and it had become mised up with my possessions. He had been so weary when he came to me...it seemed I could feel his fatigue seeping through me from the touch of his hands. But I let my traitorous eyes fall on the last page, and found that my name was written simply on it, with "Heart" below. I took this as a sign that he had indeed left it for me. Perhaps he knew how I would treat the other missive. It still hurts me more deeply than I can say that he left without even waking me, when we was so weary and worn. I cannot help but think the sight of me blinded and lost in darkness horrified him beyond belief. Not only physically. I was never beautiful, and I had grown thinner and scrawnier in my blindness, but nothing irrperairable now that I am sound again. I already see the improvements in myself wrought by the simple fact of health. I recall Mylor's words, harsh but spoken, I think, from genuine belief, that he thought Xanthias decieved himself as to his feelings and intentions towards me. The book is, of course, nothing conclusive. I try to bring my mind purely to bear on this, as my heart and I...speak rarely and when we do the results seem oftimes disastrous for us both, and for others around us. Xan certainly writes of strong feelings for me. They were clearly written at different times and in different inks. He did not write the book all at once to decieve me deliberately, that much is clear. As for the rest... they sound genuine to me, as objectively as I can read them. He seems to write from such a foriegn land to me. As I read, I became reminded of the gulf between us in experience and class once more. He writes most guardedly of things that pertain to his family and the life he once led. Perhaps such a life trains you to keep your words guarded in case they fall into the hands of others. Perhaps he simply wrote as a reminder to evoke the memories once more within himself. And I lack the experience to fill them in... How much I lack it. How little I know. In this life, I make sense, and I fulfil a function. Even blind, I did so, though it near broke me. In that kind of life...I make no sense and fulfil no function. As ever, when I think of him I feel dizzy, as if I have lost the solid footing of myself. Is Mylor right? Does he decieve himself in thinking we could ever truly be together?
Once again, emotion makes me foolish and uncertain. Once more I lose my footing in myself. It is not so uncommon, as I said. I was a fool the other night. A new aquaintance recently has been Tienchi, a very friendly and likeable young woman with strong opinions and a streak of stubborness that I can see certain people comparing to my own. She did remind me a little of myself, lacking all the dead and scarred bits of myself that I cannot discard. that being so, we have already clashed once or twice. I can truly see where she is coming from. She, it seems, is another that Mylor has befriended, and it also seems that his despondant behaviour of late has not gone unntoiced. I chance-met both of them on the road betwixt Dundee and Milltown, and Tienchi manouvered us into Cerbie's, where Waterfall was on shift. They, it seemed, wished to confrint him about his behaviour. I...well, I admit to acting most foolishly there. I was angry. It seemed to me that they had acted to decieve my friend. The Gods know he has a right to his own personal life, which I will not write of in these pages. It seemed also to make me complicit. Anger kindled in me suddenly. it wa sonly later that I realised that it reminded me painfully of those women who would come round to my mother's house when I was but little more than a babe. A babe with no father, and her belly swelling with another child already. They spoke in voices of false commisseration, and urged her to tell them all, to mend her ways, sweetened their gossip-mongering with the hint of maybe forcing the man of the village who had so "disgraced" her to wed her... The last of those came after the babe was born still, and never drew breath. She insinuated that maybe it was a mercy it was so, and my mother... well, she turned her cold and empty eyes on her, and the woman seemed to shrink, and fled. And none of them ever crossed her threshold again.
Recalling that, I know there was nothing of that in Tienchi and Waterfall's intent. I know they truly care for Mylor, and wanted to aid him. As did he himself. He near drove me to hitting him by his relaxed and jokey comments while I was spewing forth anger on his behalf. It was stupid of me. I know my friend can take care of himself, better than I could I am sure. Once again I let my emotions run off and do foolish things. I am glad that on cooler reflection I seemed to make it up with both Tienchi and Waterfall. Thye are good people with good hearts, and I would never forgive myself had old angers from the past severed me from them forever.