Who am I?

A good question...one I find myself wondering about more and more these last few turns.

I used to be so sure, so aware of everything that made me who I was, but lately it seems like I've lost sight of that.

Thoughts are so jumbled in my head, it's become almost overwhelming and I actually cracked and decided to write it all down, for fear of my own sanity (You know, whatever is left of it after all this time) if I kept sitting there with thoughts festering. So much has changed in a little time, people I knew and trusted made choices I could not understand even though I tried, I lost someone I care about very much because things changed and I handled it wrong, and I did things recently that make me question things I thought I knew.

Change is annoying, and unintentional but unavoidable and I feel like the more you push against it, the more it pushes back. In some...misguided attempt to save something, for likely selfish reasons, I ended up destroying it instead. A person who once thought I was a good person now thinks I am not, that I am a person that only hurts them for my own amusement or something...a person that lost the right to matter. I find myself changing...twisting into some angrier, meaner person to them, even though they dont deserve it, just because it hurts less to be the terrible person I feel they think I am, then them hating me while I tried to make it right. Some things you mess up so much...and you have to take accountability for it and hope that somewhere at the end of the tunnel there is a brighter turn. I do not regret the memories made, and while I regret how I handled all of it, and I regret things I have said...I do not regret where it has lead me now.

A few turns ago we defeated a god that wanted to make us puppets and destroy free will. It was a rare time when we all came together, no matter the guild, level, or profession for one common goal. I should be happy we are free of him, and free to make choices again for good or for bad. How can I be completely happy though when the proof of what we had to do to get here is clear as day in Dundee? Those were people I have grown with, have shaped my adventures though my life here and now they are gone...and I helped kill them. Why? Because Drakon hid behind them, and put them in our path and we wanted to get to him. I had hoped that if we defeated him, they would be alright...somehow his magic would reverse itself and they'd be celebrating with us...but they weren't. Why did they all have to die? Even people that were not directly in the way of the temple...we sought them out and killed them anyway. He changed them without killing them....why couldn't they be changed back without dying? I sit here in this tower, leaving mainly just for food and the thoughts keep bouncing around but there are no answers. Was it my naivety in thinking things would work out that made it so I could do it? Or was it my thought that had I lost all control of my mind...I would want someone to end things for me? That is no way to live...as a former slave myself I know all too well what serving a sadistic master can be like. I have no answers, no way to make sense of what I did or why I did it...I can only live with it all and hope to come to peace with it somewhat in my own time.

I have fully recovered from my two lovely bouts of sickness, and am looking foward to helping some friends with projects they have cooked up. It will be good to put effort so something positive and watch what we can do when we put our heads together for the benefit of people, some quiet happy time is long overdue I think.

As for who I am...turns out I have no answer, any time I think I know, something comes at me that changes what I thought. But I guess that is how life goes; you win, you lose, you change, you grow and then hopefully someday in the future you know.

Wish me luck!
(Ha this writing it all down thing really does help)