Sometimes I wonder... am I going to forget... forget what it was like when I was truly happy?..was I truly happy then? Or was I deceiving myself? Did it even happen? Or was it all a dream.. do I even know what loving someone is like truly... to be so unselfishly theirs that I care not for the world? Will I ever find that? Or am I as I fear, truly doomed to be always alone. The loneliness overwhelms me almost as much as it comforts me with it's familiarity. I have settled into solitude as one settles into a familiar and comfortable chair, yet occasionally I fidget and have to change at least what I look at. No taste at all now for running and fighting, unless absolutely necessary the desire to do so seaming to have so torn my life apart that I am still trying to find the pieces, some may be lost forever. Or perhaps they need to be reforged by the kindling of... of something I do not know if I am capable of any longer. I hope I am not beyond figuring out how to have somewhat of a normal life. I just wonder after all this, if I can even trust my own heart. And that... makes me sad. I no longer feel lost, I know who I am again and that is a comfort. I just fear that I might have pushed every opportunity to find love away too many times and that I might not find it again. But I also know that, is foolishness and I am not going to make the mistakes of my past, my fears are NO LONGER going to keep me from finding out where I belong.