*occasions tear smudges the ink, but not enough to be illegible* Yet again I hurt someone I care about... just because I can not see past my own fears. When it is my fears that got me in the mess I am in in the first place... I realize now that I have always been running. Fears of others... my parents.. their choices for me, though I still believe at the time I never could have stood up to the man they chose for me like I could now.. but then.. I had the backbone to run.. perhaps I could have. Then with my first love I ran from him... because I felt guilty over choices that were made even if they were not all my own. For some reason the thought popped in my head that... he might not be happy with being with me because of what he had to give up...though my logical mind told me that was ridiculous! He never would have asked me to be with him if that was not HIS choice, but so use was I to being "not good enough" all my life that the thought poisoned the rational thought, the running started then.. not from him.. though he believe I was.. I was trying to run from the thought that I ruined everything for everyone...The thought that had I NOT come around then no one would have been hurt... so I did what started everything in the first place and brought me to Valorn.. I ran. I ran from the thought that was hurting me.. and because of it I had trouble facing him. And I ended up pushing him away. Until I lost him completely.. Then having severed the only anchor I had on my sanity I still ran til my feet literally bled.. and my heart closed up in my chest. Still I could not get rid of the notion... Had I had the courage and told him the thought that poisoned my mind I could have avoided SO much hurt.. but I could not put words to it, I tried on several occasions and it was like my tongue swelled up in my mouth and I could not say it...Wanted to ignore it, make it go away.. didn't want the thought there.. but it was like a stinging wasp that wouldn't die... Doesn't seem to matter the good I have done, the people and now even gods.. I have helped.. I keep pushing away those that try and get close to me.. Now... not so much because I am scared of hurting them... but.. because I have been running from.. myself.. so long now.. that.. I no longer know WHO I AM!!! How can I be with or good for anyone when even I do not know who Lavender Cecelia Morgan is? ... Very... very soon I intend to take a trip... no destination in mind.. just away.. not running this time... but a road discovering myself again. I do not know how long I will roam, because I do not know how long it will take. I do not know where I will go because I do not know where my feet will lead me. I just hope I can return to the brave woman I once believed I was. I pray the gods will watch those I love while I am away and guide my feet back home when I find who she is once again. Then... perhaps I will have a hope of finally finding the happiness I wanted when I left my parents house and the pig of a man they wanted for my bondmate.