A simple leather bound book kept together with a simple clasp. A gull plume sticking out from midst it's pages.
Tuesday, 11 June 2019
I can not help the things that happened to me, I wish someone could have helped me at the end when I finally woke, completely confused, and lost as I was, instead of leaving me alone. But alas I guess a girl can only truly count on herself. Perhaps everyone is right, it's time to move on with my life, instead of morning what I lost. No longer do I feel like the carefree, constantly happy girl that I once was, there is a hardness in my heart that I hope will one day fade.
Friday, 07 June 2019
I can't stand this... This knowing that everything is different, wrong... I feel like my life was stolen from me, I don't know by who... Or why... But it is so hard to try and move on when everything physically and emotionally is drained and hurts. I know healing takes time... But why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this, torment?
Saturday, 01 June 2019
Woke feeling a little more rested then I have been, the nightmares still present but perhaps I am getting use to them, or as use to them as one can get anyway, surprised I haven't had to re-stuff Caspian yet. Life seems so lonely now, I know I have family, but since I, unintentionally, cut myself off from all my friends, and from my family it's hard to know who to talk to, or what to talk about. The only thing I still have confidence in now is my healing ability, and my conviction to help whenever I can. Sadly even my faith has been shaken lately, something I thought would never happen. But, not my faith in the gods, certainly never that... but my faith in myself. The questions of "Why did this happen?" "Who am I now?" "Will I ever be able to forgive myself for hurting and losing my best friend?" and others, constantly buzzing in my brain. When I first REALLY woke up, I hoped he would be able to help me, give me a strong arm to lean on while I regained myself again after being so lost for so long. But, seems my... not being there, hurt him far to much. Which, I understand, it hurt the REAL me too. I just hope one day, to find happiness again... and hopefully peaceful sleep!
Thursday, 30 May 2019
Fate is cruel. I woke this turn, as I have the past several times I slept since the fog that clouded my mind lifted, I woke in tears. On my mind the last memory I have from before the fog descended on my mind. It was almost a year ago now.... I think. It was summerfaire and I was attending a garden dance. I was there alone happily visiting with friends, then my beloved came and took me in his arms. I didn't know he could dance, and I am pretty sure I stepped on his toes, but being held by him, I remember thinking my life was perfect. How I would have clinged to him, and that moment if I knew it would be the last I would have.
Friday, 24 May 2019
Hard to know what to say to people now. I've been detached from life for so long I feel like a newbie again. I miss the confidence I once had in life, in myself. I miss being able to sleep, I feel like the bags under my eyes are going to swallow me whole soon. I fear sleeping now, but it still overtakes me, the dreams change, running to people I love, but they are always out of my reach Abayde's laughter filling my head, or lost in a dark place that I do not know, stumbling, knees and hands full of scrapes and bruises, and bloody from stumbling and falling over things while I search for something, something that even I don't even know what it is. Alone. At one time I had someone I would have reached out to, to discuss all this, to make me feel better, but it feels wrong reaching out to him to share something so personal now, now that he is not mine. And all my other close friends I would talk to have been asleep so long I don't know if they will ever wake again.
Saturday, 27 April 2019
Everything is so loud now. It's like the fog that trapped my mind dulled my senses and now I just want to put my hands over my ears with every noise. So hard to figure out a normal life when everything makes me jump now. Only time in my life I was ever this timid was when I had to hide from da during his drunken rages. I don't like feeling this, helpless. I hope it passes soon. And I wish the nightmares would cease but even my stuffed owl, Caspian, can't hold them at bay. Not sleeping well has caused me to make several errors in judgment lately. I wish... So many things, that I can't even put them to words now.
Wednesday, 24 April 2019
Feeling a little more at peace today. Still do not know who I am, or what I want in life. But I've come to accept what is at least, and not blame myself for something I literally could not control. I hate that I hurt my best friend. But nothing I can do about that now but try and move on, and hope with time we both find happiness again. For now I am just going to try and take one day at a time.
Friday, 19 April 2019
I've changed, life has changed. I no longer know who I am. I know my name and I know my past, but the past couple of years I've lived in a blur trapped behind a fake smile and a cheerfulness I could not escape. A cheerfulness that ended up making me unable to see that the one I cared for the most in this world needed me, and I was not there for him. It's like, the true me was asleep for a very long time, or trapped somewhere inside my own head, only sweet memories of those I love sustained me, kept me fighting... myself. Finally I wake to find the life I hoped I would have is gone. I'm no longer the person I was... and in truth I don't know who I am now. I feel so lost, and because of my being lost for so long, I've lost my heart. I feel so empty inside now... like perhaps I should have stayed in the shadows of my mind, protected from this pain. But here I am awake, and more tired and empty then I have ever known one could feel. So many days now I wake, and look up at what's around me and almost wish I had not woken at all. What is there to fight for now? What is there to live for? Life no longer has meaning for me.. so I hunt. And I pray. Tis all I can do until I find the path meant for me now that I feel I've lost everything. I know I still have my guild family, I know they are there for me, but it is so hard to feel any enthusiasm for anything now. I can only pray the future has something better for me, hard to believe in anything, I almost walked away from my guild family, I've considered walking from my path as a cleric, just to find a new path to walk, perhaps I am a coward because I can't, or perhaps I am brave because I decided to stay where I am and as I am, now if I could only find WHO I am again. But so hard to do that as alone as I feel. I know it will take time, and I refuse to rush into anything now. Some days I am just numb, other days it's hard to breath as I grieve the life I wanted that is no longer available to me. The future, so uncertain.
Friday, 03 April 2015
So many things have happened lately I've rarely time to write it all down.... people who choose to do so now dig for items... room... unknown things in an attempt to find a way to recreate the seals that have kept an evil at bay for longer then most of us even know. Only a partial seal remains as it is. I have chosen not to dig, instead I have chosen to help a friend who is determined to gain his remaining levels and having been determined to do that myself in the past I can understand his ambition to do so. Things in Valorn seem to be changing... for the best is my eternal hope, but only time will tell. For now this is all I can say.
Sunday, 25 January 2015
Most people know.... I don't like heights. But over the years I have overcome them. Most people know that for many years I loathed the cannon for the simple fact that it sent people Life Monuments more often then not. But in the last year....seems everyone in Valorn has been through...so much, that being frightened and or not liking the cannon started to seem very silly to me. My bondmate, loved the cannon and would ride it often until learning that I disapproved of it. My excuse was the fact that as a cleric I do not like seeing any hurt... or blown up. But it was my own fear that colored my judgement on it. Well I am happy to say that after many... many turns of the sunrifter I have finally overcome that fear! As a gift I took my bondmate to Caernivale and we rode the cannon together! It wasn't as bad as I feared especially for my first time ever! I landed in the Verthedge Forest.... sadly I landed ON a Thistle... ouch. But I am no worse for wear from the event and it could have been worse. I can see perhaps doing it again... though I doubt I will go without my love.