A simple leather bound book kept together with a simple clasp. A gull plume sticking out from midst it's pages. On the first page inside the text reads "Rosaline Emily Gill".
Monday, 11 November 2019
Perhaps I am getting better. I finally slept completely soundly.. not just passed out and dreamless from exhaustion, but actual comfortable sleep! I haven't been able to do that for a year and a half... since the summer faire I lost myself. But this turn I feel, exhilarated! So light and free, it almost makes me dizzy. I honestly didn't think it was possible, but I think I might be falling in love again. Every time I wake I am excited for his company, I look forward to seeing him. He took the darkness away and brought back the light. It is wonderful feeling so giddy and happy.
Rosaline posted @ 11:19 - Link
Sunday, 20 October 2019
Some days I feel like such a fraud. He calls me angel...when I don't feel like much of one, if I am then my "wings" were ripped from me and left me in a constant pain that never really goes away, I've just become good at hiding it. Trying to allow myself to become close to another... when for so very long another held my heart. Most days though... I admit it is nice... to feel wanted, and I do look forward to the being around one who makes me smile again, but days still come that I miss what was, I miss him. I know moving on doesn't make that go away, I know he will always be a part of me, though there are days I now wonder if that was all a sweet dream because he seems so distant from me now. Life is so uncertain and unfair, but one has to do the very best they can with what they have. The one I am with now wants me to meet his sister, I have to admit I am quite nervous about that, it seems like such a huge commitment... like the next step in the relationship that I am not sure I am ready for. Though he also said she is already interested in being a cleric, to have a student would be a blessing I hate to turn away, so I certainly have mixed feelings right now, and I think that has affected the dreams which have turned dark and tormenting again.
Rosaline posted @ 15:02 - Link
Thursday, 17 October 2019
((short sweet poem made on the fly. lol))
On the sea of lifes uneven swells, there our lives sometimes dwells, it's ups... it's down. It can be peaceful, or it can be rough...
And sometimes you seem like your sail is not enough.
But those you meet along the way, are bright lights that burn along the shore, to lead you safely home once more.
Rosaline posted @ 20:46 - Link
Sunday, 01 September 2019
Showed a couple new members around the guild hall today, it invoked SO many memories. Some sweet, some still hurt to think of, one room in particular I had trouble staying in. Just being there made it hard to breath. I've avoided that room... for a long time, only being there long enough to pass through to anther on occasion. My chest was so tight... even with family there with me. But then, they don't know the memories that room invokes in me, of another lifetime.
Rosaline posted @ 18:20 - Link
Tuesday, 27 August 2019
Most days I make it along just fine. I am even smiling and laughing again, and seems I have a suitor whom I am spending a great deal of time with now. He's sweet, makes me smile. Though I feel bad he was trying to be sweet and asked me to dance... and I couldn't... can't... it brought back the pain, the memories of the last dance I had. And I am simply not ready. I know this pain will always be there, as will my regrets, but I thought I was getting better and then this... Not sure I will ever dance again since that is the last memory I have of before... but perhaps I will find a way past this blockage.. perhaps Daven can help me heal.
Rosaline posted @ 11:36 - Link
Friday, 23 August 2019
Been so long since I felt hopeful. Honestly been a long time since I felt anything. I spent a few marcs under the starry sky talking to someone whom... I thought I was going to train into a cleric. But seems that was just a ploy to get to talk to me, as he wants to be an enchanter. It was nice to... feel happy again, to have hope for a future even if it is without my former love. Though I had to tease him... only our first time to sit and talk and I could tell already he was wanting to try and kiss me. I had to stop him... SO not ready for that yet. But I am no longer opposed to the idea of someone else. And that's a start.
Rosaline posted @ 20:30 - Link
Thursday, 25 July 2019
I don't think I have ever felt so raw, and vulnerable. Today I almost wish for the darkness that numbed my life, so I wouldn't feel this pain. And yet I fear it too... I don't ever want to go back to that, but sure as N'rolav would be better then this. I just have to remember take it a day at a time, things have gotten better, then worse again... so I know the better times will come again.
Rosaline posted @ 13:55 - Link
Wednesday, 24 July 2019
Just when I think I'm finally coming out of the grief, something happens to send me spiraling again. Will it ever end?
Rosaline posted @ 13:43 - Link
Sunday, 21 July 2019
Why is it that the words from someone I don't consider family can be more healing then all the advice and care I received from those I love? This was the first time in a long time that someone dared reach past my defenses, my self doubt, self hatred, to make me dare believe it is possible to forgive myself for losing myself and hurting those I love. Holding me simply to offer comfort, using softly spoken words to still the torment in my soul.
Rosaline posted @ 09:40 - Link
Monday, 01 July 2019
So relieved Cody helped me find a way to be rid of the summerberry ale that was still in my pack, without wasting it. I suspect it to be the cause of of me losing being me... it can't be coincidence that the first year I try summerberry ale is the year I lose... everything... Can it? To risky now to test that. Someone else who is not so susceptible to it's effects can have it. I shall stick to lemonade and other non impairing drinks from now on. And perhaps it isn't, but not worth it to me to try again... not after everything. Truth be told.. I am now too scared to try it again, even the thought makes me want to vomit.
Rosaline posted @ 20:52 - Link