Fear. I haven’t tasted it in awhile now. I suppose a reminder is good. It is good to know there are still things, people…well a person, that I fear losing. Like precious secrets, those little bubbles of life that should be held so very, very carefully. But now the more precious the moment, the more paralyzed with fear I become. I know I will ruin it, I ruin everything. I know there will come a point where my guard is down, where my darkness will shine through and the bubble will pop. I will see the humor become irritation and eye-rolls. The warmth of his regard will chill as he builds walls within to protect himself. I’ve danced to this tune before.

Even with the inevitability of it, the knowledge that there will come a turn when I will mess up and we will have to part ways…I still crave his company. I don’t even know how to describe it save for obsession. My skin itches for his touch, my ears strain for the sound of his voice. I keep looking over expecting to see him. I wish so strongly to be the girl that would teach him love. I daydream of some different reality where I was still a giggling girl capable of that. So sure in myself and my lovability…in the lovability of others. She has been broken though, that girl I was. I try to hate them, every mouth that spoke cruel words to cut her, every person who used her desire for belonging for reasons all their own - used it to keep her in line, used it to make her a puppet. Only to reject her when there was no further use. I can’t hate them though, ultimately it was me who let them do it.

So I can’t be that girl, not for longer than a few precious moments. Moments that make him smile or laugh. Moments I lengthen for as long as I can, pushing myself to hold the rest at bay. Each time the fear grows, though. Each time the cracks start showing deeper in my facade. Showing another ones true self is never easy, especially when you are a murderess and a monster. It is more merciful for us both if I cut him out. He won’t know it, but in the long run he would have thanked me. No, I will carve a wall around this one treasured bubble. Just one beautiful moment, untainted. Something to take solace in when the swirling darkness comes again.