I think I may need to get away. I am not even sure what it is keeps my feet wandering aimlessly on familiar paths. My heart seeks solace elsewhere, but it is a journey I cannot make for I know not the destination. One brief glimpse since the height of summer’s warmth is all I have seen and I grow weary of the ache of it. I have become less apologetic of that fact to my gods. No doubt it will bring a punishment at some stage.

Some ties are welcome ones. Desarae is no longer the pupil, but very much the teacher: That progress I have loved to see. She has soared so high above me, nearer to her gods, she feels almost out of reach. There is such passion and compassion in her. The entire guild cherishes her; some more than they say, I believe. Quiet melancholy, however well hidden, I have detected. That is another reason to stay, certainly for I desire to speak with them on it. Initiates with genuine questions of faith pose their thoughts and I do love to talk with them. Of late I find the words that flowed from my lips as though they were the most natural thoughts in the land become more stilted and I have to think much harder before I make an answer. Friends are welcome as ever. Knight Azure wreathed in duty as ever and organising things to distract Valornians torn between unbearable anticipation of the festival to come and the unbearable dread of what may be to come from the smoke we saw. I cannot believe how many seem to have simply forgotten it already. Have we become so naïve? Does it take some action like taking Miranda’s most blessed Acolyte’s eyes to fire people on?

Yet things do happen to wake this weary soul. Dear Skils is back and how my heart leapt to hear it. I came across him in Milltown talking with Knight Azure and apart from looking travel worn, he looked wonderfully well. His eyes are dangerous as ever. I hope he stays a while. Last time I asked him if he were going to it was a year before I saw him again. I will not tempt fate.

I do not look forward to festival. I hate to spend it alone. Being in a large crowd of people when the one you wish was there cannot be is no way to gladden the heart. Before that, way in the back of my mind, I see memories shaded in time. A hunter in green and the little Crier teasing each other; though I think the hunter won the argument, so many times had he made missions into the anthill to rescue her. My belt looks a little worn now and some of the gold has rubbed away, but it is only from years of wearing. What would he (or anyone else say for that matter) were he to know I still had the hooded dress and rugged boots stowed carefully away. Our plans were thwarted and it did not matter anyway for the purpose of them, in the end, was unnecessary. No dancing needed and so no need to try and look as though I could do it with grace. I so longed to be a suitable companion and not make a Bos Backside of myself in the process. I had no need to worry after all. I dream every festival of dancing. I dream of being whirled around, skirts and hair flying away from me, held firmly and gently and forgetting all cares for a while. I remember my hunter telling me dainty shoes were not necessary for dancing. Well, not the kind of dancing he had in mind. I feel the abandon of the dance and get caught up in it in my dreams. A flash of red shirt, dark eyes and the relaxed smile I would cherish if I ever got the chance to.

Yes, I do need to get away. The last brief message asked me to. As is so often the case, the gods do not allow our paths to cross, never mind the time to do so. I long to feel the sun again, taste food and wine, walk barefoot in the park. I long to have my hand held and hear that soft voice. I long to see the wonder of the temple and feel the cool marble under my bare feet. I do not know if I could bear the feeling to rush through me at that altar again, but I am willing to try! But no crystals to be had.

I become jealous of those around me. Bris, I am told, though not from his mouth, is ecstatically happy. Desarae’s heart I believe to be taken. Topaz and Wyf, Lady Ellyanna and Lord Pallas….. yet I have had three and a half years of knowing my heart’s place. It does not do to dwell on what we cannot have, but we should dwell on all our blessings. I do know that, but I can admit my human frailties.

Yes, I will get away.