Long have I spent my life in the dark, in the shadows, being Ermin - being the nice girl who was always there to help her friends, yet drowning in her own problems, unable to help herself. I've helped my friends a lot, and they've helped me. I'd do anything for my friends, even if it meant pulling myself out of the shadows to help them.

Because, lately, that's where I've been drawn to. The shadows. I've never been there, but I want to. And coming here to Ethucan with Seph helped me realise that, and it also helped me realise that I'm just a human being. I can't take all this stress and confusion without cracking someday, and I hate myself for bringing all this upon me. I mean, Ethucan, it's such a lovely place, really it is - but I resent it for making me realise something deep inside my heart that I don't even want to admit here. I don't want to admit it at all. It's happening too soon for me, and I only just ended it a while back, but I'm not helping my case, either. I'm not helping it at all.

We went to the textile shop first, and I got Skye her souvenir and got myself a pair of leather shoes. Seph got some shoes as well. Then we went into the jeweller's shop, and he got me this lovely necklace, covered in jewels. It was so expensive, and I said I wanted it, but I didn't want him to get it for me. It was too dear. But he went ahead and did it anyway, and what did I do? Oh, by the gods, what in N'rolav did I do? I gave him a kiss - then I ran away. I gave him a hurried excuse that I wanted to have a bit of rest before exploring Ethucan more, and ran away.

But that kiss meant nothing - it was just a kiss to a friend, a thank-you kiss. I don't want to spoil all this. It's happened too many times before - with Trip, with Skyls, with Sylkie - it just spoils everything, and I don't want it to happen to Seph. And someday I will just crack under all this and I won't be able to get back up again - so who'll catch me when I fall? My friends, certainly, but will they be there when my last nerve cracks?

I can't believe I'm in Ethucan, and I'm worrying about all this. It's so beautiful, lavish, breathtaking. I want to stay here forever, where I don't have to wear armour all the time and walk the lands in fear. But to know that I'm not really welcome here pains me so much. I love it here, yet it pains me. I want to stay, yet I can't.

I claw at myself, trying to hold on, but all I want to do is sink and cry. Confusion engulfs me, and I can't get out. I need someone to help me - a shoulder to cry on. It seems so long ago, so far away, so unreal, when I read that poem out to Trip. A shoulder to cry on. So long ago, when I was happy-go-lucky, unaware of my future, not knowing how I'd suffer...and now I don't know who's the real Ermin. The Ermin I used to be, or the Ermin who I am now? Or am I an Ermin at all? Am I just the shadow of Ermin? A ghost of what she used to be?

Everything seems so far away...everything seems so unreal. It's too confusing for me. I don't want to write anymore.