I wonder sometimes, though I know it to be a futile endeavour; how do we ever know we have made the right choice. I know to worry for the future is to send yourself to an early grave, what will be, will be; and to regret over the past is to wither through the future, what has gone, is done. Knowing something and actually accepting and adhering to it are two different concepts I fear.

I feel heavy, of heart and soul. I am trying to smile and be..oh I dont know what Im doing anymore. So much loss and it seems so much pain. Harsh words and rash decisions, thats all my life seems to be filled with. Most of the time I want to hide from it, but now more than ever, I cannot.

I miss the days when life was easy, when my worries and cares amounted to finding a few glowies and having enough plat for ale. Alas, even then I created some monster of a problem for myself so often. Can't help myself really, I think I am some kind of lode stone; I only seem to shine when there's at least some sort os small problem happening...I attract it.

For once I want something pure and clean, not shadowed by whispered words and secrets. I want something true, but ..I question myself, I question my decisions and I question, well, everything. I have been honest with him, I told him of my monogamic issues of the past, of my fear to commit, of my flighty nature and of my inevitability to create ..issues. I told him of Gareth and how I set him, or maybe myself..free. Maybe both of us, though it leaves us both a little less for it I think, me certainly.

So, no secrets, no anything. Just me, and thats where it all falls down, but this time it's truly all I have. Great to look at, fun for a while, looks good on your arm and makes you smile and laugh for a bit. Not something you really want to keep though. Gods, I sound like such a screw up, true to form..consitancy, one talent I do have.

He says he's too complicated, I fear I am too simple.