He talks way too much, I talk way too much and between us we do nothing but talk in circles, most of the time. Im so confused about it all, I dont know why or what or where or when. I talk and talk and to be honest, I dont think I have said anything much at the end of it.

His presense pulls words from my core before my mind is ready to deal with them, not that I dont mean them, just that I am not quiet ready to deal with them or the implications of what they may bring. Something else worried me, I do not want to be the person in the way. I can see it coming and it just makes me want to quit while I am ahead and well before this becomes a mess...but I can't.

The whole confide in me thing, I dont know why that scares me so much either, I can hear it from anyone and everyone and never have a problem..but in the end I am the listener, Im not the talker. Some of his words stung a little, and I am not sure how or even if I can be that vulnerable. I have you, my book..where I confide and release and to an extent, though I know I have to guard my words, I can let go. Who knows, maybe with time, maybe I stop relying on the book to deal with my churning thoughts.

I lost it yesterday, things..Im not the most level headed person, nor am I the most patient and giving, I am not sure I was cut out to be a leader at all, though they seem to have faith in me. There are so many demands upon my time, so many thigs I have to deal with...every other message is something new..some..thing, I have to fix or answer or..something. Which is great, I love helping and I love that people trust me to do that, I do. I wouldnt change it for the world. I love seeing a smile where moments before was a frown.

Yesterday I just, I just had no reserve, I wasnt ready for drama, I couldnt deal with it and Emmy, poor poor Emmy. She totally didnt deserve me to unleash on her like that. I should never have projected my stress like that, threatened to dump it all on her. Gods I am so ashamed of myself...and before you start, because being the nosey roguess you are, I know you will look, it wasnt right...I shouldnt have and I am sorry. You are my officer, my girl, my friend, I love you and I am sorry. I know what it's like to have someone release like that, and I should never have caused you that stress, Im so sorry. I dont dish it, I take it...Im ashamed.

Done is done, now we move on, the guild moves on; and if I dont pick myself up they cannot pick themselves up. He left, it's over...I have to act like a leader and stop fretting about it. So with focus on the party, which..Im starting to really look forward to. The guild are great with ideas, they shock me with their level of imagination and it should be fun, fresh and new. I am curious, very curious, to see how it plays out...almost done