I am sick of being continuoulsy questioned...with no real answer to provide or to be returned. Once again I feel it all slip through my fingers and I am powerless to control anything at all. I wish I knew a way forward through the fray...I can't seem to catch onto anything to get a hold of my bearings. I dont want to be confused and lost anymore...I have spent so much of my time that way.

I feel like I am repeating myself, in everything. I repeat my words, my actions...my mistakes. Why do I not learn from the things I have done? What do I want? When I sit and try to consider the possibilities of my life I have completely lost sight of any goals or ambition. I dont know who I am anymore, perhaps that is why I am running so often, why I always run....perhaps, through all my insistance I am only Cel....I do not know what Cel is at all.

At least I am consitant in my idiocy, I have that...consitancy. Life is a series of decisions, in my case a series of poorly made, disasterous decisions. I want to make just one move in my life that does not result in someone, or something, hurting. It cannot be that hard, other people do it all the time.

I have all my life ahead of me, and all the moments of it left to choose what I want whenever I want to. Yet, I feel so utterly trapped...trapped inside myself, trapped inside the self perpetuating destiny