Sometimes I just want to lay down, wherever I am..just lay on the ground, study the sky and ignore it all, everything. No birds with messages, no problems, no one needing enchantments, no responsibilities...nothing to deal with, no advice to give out, no apologies to make, no regrets to face, nobodys' sighs to hear, or frowns to see....just me and the heavens, they study me, I study them...nothing more......just nothing.

Sometimes I think about being beneath the surface, looking up....light streaming down, seeing all the ripples upon the surface, the disturbance...but not reaching it, seeing it all through the blur, not being able to make out individual touches. Watching life play out before you but being ..surronded by muted silence. Would it be such a bad thing? Am I already beneath the surface and ...will I drown?...can I make it back, do I want to? Sometimes I think about it and it sounds like heaven...to have everything dulled..no pain, no tears, no problems...to be slightly removed from it all....in ignorance we find bliss?.....But sometimes it sounds like hell. To watch but never touch, to see but never able to help...to know..but not feel...to stand just on the outside of everything that matters but never quite be able to join in...so close but so very far away.

To be seen, but never really being known, never understood or...real.

Whit is the sunshine...she says such amazing things sometimes..I dont know how I can ever live up to her opinion of me...I am dreading...dreading the day that I fail her, I will never ever forgive myself. She is so innocent...I just want to wrap her in a warm blanket and save her from the world.

I dont think I will ever get it right with him at all, I will never understand him, and nothing I do ever seems to be right, or enough. I am so tired of being the cause of sighs. I can't keep it up, not enough smils to balance the frowns....I am just lacking ...everything. 'Just be yourself'...great.. what happens when 'just me' is the thing causing the problem.

I look up now..but I dont see a light..nothing to swim towards, whats up, whats down....