It seems like I make a decision, I answer or I take a step and then, something is done, said, remembered..that brings home how much I dont deserve it anyway....and makes me want to run and hide.

Right now I want to hide in the darkest depths of the ravine, never to surface. I cant deal with the problems, I cant run form them, I cant hide, I cant heal and I cant face them. How can one person cause so much by just being who they are. The only answer I can provide is ...I am not a good one..just being me is enough to bring pain and suffering to so many, and what right do I have to do so? How do you fix that? How do you stop being you? How many people can I attribute to my passing..to my touch upon the surface of the water...how many people have I hurt, repeatedly...is it wrong to live my life when just doing so...to the best of my ability, breaks people?

There is such a hunger in my soul...I need something and I am not ..I do not know what I am looking for anymore, or if I ever did. I stop and search the horizon often, wondering what it is I lost..all these words I hear, things that are said ...they leave me so empty...I cannot relate them to emotions. I need more than words. I am searching for the chimera, the unicorn, the mirage...the unreal. I will never feel...enough, because what I look for does not exist. The only thing real is to settle the heart, and stop searching for the unattainable. It's a figment, a fools paradise, I dont deserve even that much.

"You are like a flame... we are like moths... *sighs* unable to resist, even though it may mean burning at your touch"

That has stuck with me these past days, and caused me such turmoil. Is that what I am? What I do?...Do I burn to cinders everything that gets close, sabotage it with my own blind idiocy?

I want the ripples, but am I the wave?