Meh..I've defined it before so you know what it means..and it sums it all up completely..Meh!
There are times I don't know my backside from my elbow and am wondering which was is up. Really, sometimes I should just be gagged until sense comes back to mind. I tend to blow up, in a flurry of emotion and then fizzle slowly back to clam with a rather red face from having made an utter fool of myself...ahh well, such is life.

He came, he told me to shut up, abated my fears and took time to set me straight. I was going to leave him, us, this..fool as I am, but I was. Gah, ah well, sometimes you cannot account for your own stupidity in a situation.

An observation I have made, perhaps my nature has become more jaded as I have sat back and watched but who knows, not I. I used to think I was a fairly good judge of character, and for the most part ..I still am, but there are times when I just get it so monumentally wrong. I think that is why I feel so used. People I thought were genuinely good, who I loved, and who I thought loved me in return. People who I would have given everything for, gladly and not blinked an eye..suddenly, you find out they just arent who you thought they were. And then slowly, all the walls you had built around them to reinforce what you thought they were, start to crumble. With the loss of each brick you see a new crack..a new twist on things. See how one thing you thought innocent might have indeed been another way to take you for granted. And thats how I feel, taken for granted.

You must be sick of me whining about this by no eh? Perhap I should have just opened my mouth and saidall I needed to in the beginning, and then it would not have simmered beneath the surface, corrupting me with its tightening anger. I have to let it go. But for some reason it jus tslaps me in the face every time I wake. I guess Im more angry at myself..I didnt see all the signs for what they were and sought the good where really, I just found my self a stepping stone for someone elses elevation. Normally I would not care..but in the process, I got all the blame.

I will never recover from that, never forget it.