Another moment of insanity inspired by my insipid and confusing mind...

I've felt restless and thoughtful lately. I thought, if I kept training and just made it to my next level, I would be just fine. That the building tension would fade from my shoulders, that concentrating on each move as it flowed from my mind to my arms would drive away the curious little thoughts that burrow deeply. Instead, it just made me tired. And more restless! And even though it was nice to sit and bask within the warmth of the desert, it isn't my place, so to speak. I know, its nice and warm and I hate being cold (even though I am, often). But, it doesn't let me reach down and pull out the answers I was seeking.



So I went to an old place. A place of thoughts, where I'd come with doubts before. A place where someone...a someone whose loss still brings an old ache into my chest...placed her arms around my shoulders and told me it would be alright. Where, despite the cold and the wind, I had felt comforted and soothed by her words and solid unwavering strength. And I stood there...closing my eyes and smiling in memory as I cast my fears over the edge of the precipice. I imagined her strength, right there beside me-because, in truth it was there. It had never left. She may have gone, but with her memory stayed a shard of her resolve. A gift, perhaps...or, a last joke from her. She always said I was stronger than I looked. Maybe, its only now I can begin to believe it...

What brought up these old thoughts, the need to feel an old comfort...? I can't really say. Perhaps a last vistage of guilt, of finding somewhere else to belong and new family. Perhaps a moment where I saw someone smile and lend a hand to help a grubby child up to their feet. Or maybe it was for no reason at all, really, except that we sometimes crave a hug, a bulwalk to lean against. And at the moment, I wanted a hug from someone who wasn't there.

I faced the edge and looked down the maw of the beast...only to see it shimmer and change into my own image. And I waved my hand to wipe clean the slate...