Bluffer Rules

A game very similar to Diamondback by the tale-spinner Dave Sim! Deck contains 1 High Holy One, 6 Enchanters, 9 Rogues, 12 Warriors, 15 Clerics

The order of two-card hands is as follows, higher beats lower:

1. High Holy One-Enchanter
2. Enchanter-Enchanter
3. High Holy One-Rogue
4. High Holy One-Warrior
5. Enchanter-Warrior
6. Enchanter-Rogue
7. Enchanter-Cleric
8. Rogue-Warrior
9. High Holy One-Cleric
10. Rogue-Rogue
11. Warrior-Warrior
12. Rogue-Cleric
13. Warrior-Cleric
14. Cleric-Cleric

How can you play in a Valornian Inn? Easy, peasy!

One person who has the deck, or some kind of facsimile, is the dealer. The dealer, solely acting as an impartial dealer, deals a two-card hand to each player and them privately messages that player what their hand is. Now is the fun part. The players look at their hand and make a bet. Someone is randomly picked as first bettor then go clockwise. Around the table, each player either sees the bet or folds. Then each player reveals one of their cards - their choice. There is a second round of betting and then the cards are all revealed. Winner takes all. In a rare tie, the pot is split. Hand whatever you lost to the winner. Next round, shuffle all cards back in, and start with a new first bettor. Couldn't be easier!

This is a song reminiscent of the old fairy tale of the gingerbread house in the forest with the witch who devours children. But, to me, it is more like a song of love, dark love.

Gingerbread

At the whipporwill's call
The shadows grow tall
Shy away, shy away, shy away, little lamb

Where the wild paths meet
Stands a house of sweets
Fly away, fly away, fly away, little lamb

For desires dear
A child draws near
Run away, run away, run away, little lamb

Beneath this roof
The repulsive truth
Hide away, hide away, hide away, little lamb

A nervous titter, a gentle touch
The sugared knob sticks in your hand
A whispered promise, a consuming lust
Bid farewell to the sunlit lands

From ceiling to floor
Rancid honey pours
Close your eye, close your eye, close your eye, little lamb

Chocolate kissed tears
To erase your fears
Hide your eye, hide your eye, hide your eye, little lamb

Beneath my treats
A black heart beats
Blind your eye
Blind your eye
Blind your eye.

This song was performed at the Dundee Inn with my friend ethiril darklight accompanying me by making unusual sounds by blowing into his hands. It is a tribute to a friend of mine who I try to emulate every day.

He Mash Zombies

I got a friend with an unusual passion
Corum is his name and he's livin' lovin' mashin'
So many zombie heads there ain't no place to stash 'em
Got so many Fine Gems he's startin' up a fashion!

He got a letter from the Mayor of Dundee
A little zombie problem caused a knot in his undies
Corum checks in with his masher on a Sunday
Un-infested dungeons by daybreak on the Monday!

He mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
He mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
He mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
If you need a zombie mashed then you better get some cash, sir!

Crier cries Noon and all is well!
Cos Corum in the place and the zombies mashed to hell!
What Corum talkin' 'bout it's sometimes hard to tell
But it don't matter nothin' cos zombies don't have to spell!

Now this is something to which I strongly attest
When it comes to zombie mashin' Corum's the best
If you challenge Corum to a zombie mashin' contest
He mash up all the zombies while you still eatin' breakfast!

He mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
He mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
He mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
If you need a zombie mashed then you better get some cash, sir!

You say you got a Ravager?
Well, Corum's savager!
Zombies in the Wall?
Corum mash 'em all!
Zombie archaeologists?
I think you get the gist
You say you got a skeleton?
You got to listen, son!

It's *zombies*! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
He mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
He just mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
If you need a zombie mashed then you better get some cash, sir!

While all you good people are lazing in your beds
Corum mashin' zombies and gatherin' up their heads
Turnin' all the undeads into a pack of re-deads
Sellin' all the Fine Gems to get hisself some fine threads!

Y'all better pray that Corum don't go back to Eng
Or zombies be up all shamblin' attackin' every thang
If zombies eat my brains I may never ever sing
Corum mashin' zombies back when Deek was governing!

He mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
He mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
He mash zombies! (Corum the Zombie Masher!
If you need a zombie mashed then you better get some cash, sir!

Word.

This little ditty was first performed improvisio at the Dundee Inn with my friends Corwin Skyborn, Corum the Zombie Masher, and Phaedra giving encouragement and suggestions. Only don't sing this in front of the fair Viviane, who gets a bit confused about the nature of artistic license, but she likes it just the same! The song improves with alcohol, of course.

Don't Drink at the Inn with the Hole in the Floor

Don't drink, Don't drink
At the Inn, At the Inn
With the hole, With the hole
In the floor
For your first steppin' down
Will be your last steppin' out
Don't drink at the Inn, my love

So me and Willum, and Billy, and Phil
Stepped out to the Inn one night
I had seven and Willum had eight
And Billy and Phil were alight
But Willum, the old pig,
Started dancing a jig
And slipped down that Hole out of sight

Don't drink, Don't drink
At the Inn, At the Inn
With the hole, With the hole
In the floor
For your first steppin' down
Will be your last steppin' out
Don't drink at the Inn, my love

Another night me and Billy and Phil
Stepped out to the Inn through the rain
Well I had eleven and Billy had twelve
And Phil wasn't right in the brain
But Billy insists,
"Oy cane jump dis ay-biss!"
And we never saw Billy again

Don't drink, Don't drink
At the Inn, At the Inn
With the hole, With the hole
In the floor
For your first steppin' down
Will be your last steppin' out
Don't drink at the Inn, my love

So just last night my friend Phil and I
Stepped out to the Inn for a fix
And I had nineteen magnificent pints
And Phil beat me better by six
But Phil groped the wrong cheek
And some Amazon freak
Dumped Phil in like he's full of bricks

Don't drink, Don't drink
At the Inn, At the Inn
With the hole, With the hole
In the floor
For your first steppin' down
Will be your last steppin' out
Don't drink at the Inn, my love

"Oh! Not tonight, my love," my wifey did beg
"Don't step out to the Inn," she said
"Just stay with your twenty-four children so dear,
"And end your days early to bed."
But I said, "All my friends,
"There, have met their sad ends,
"And I'd rather go join 'em instead!"

This song is for one of the first friends I'd made in Valorn. She opened her heart to me and I promised to remember her story and tell it far and wide.

The Keening of the Red Merlin

High in an aerie, the red merlin keened
Her song heard by all feathered and furred
"Paa-paa! Paa-paa!" for the eagle who'd preened
Her when she was a flightless young bird, young bird
When she was a flightless young bird

Keening of the lonely daughter
Keening from high above
Keening for the one who'd taught her
Of virtue and kindness and love

She longed to show him her wings so strong
From mountains to deserts she flew
She longed to sing him her glorious song
Of the huntress who always strikes true, strikes true
The huntress who always strikes true

Keening of the lonely daughter
Keening from high above
Keening for the one who'd taught her
Of virtue and kindness and love

She longed to tell him of honors she'd won
Through valour and skill and fate
She longed to tell him of friendships begun
And the hunter she'd chosen as mate, as mate
The hunter she'd chosen as mate

Keening of the lonely daughter
Keening from high above
Keening for the one who'd taught her
Of virtue and kindness and love

"To where oh where has my proud eagle flown
With his feathers of gold and eyes of green?
Though I not his chick, he'd raised me his own
But of him there's naught that I've seen, I've seen
Naught the breadth of the land that I've seen."

This is the first song that came to mind since coming to Valorn. I expect to add verses as I have more adventures. The chorus should be a shouty singalong style. It's based on a famous tune called The Darby Ram. I wrote this in the company of the Old Swamp Man and I've since become friends with the strange hermit and visit his hut often.

My First Day in Dundee

Twas my first day in Dundee, my head without no hat
And so I went on down below until I seen a rat
I cracked that lad about the neck until he lay there dead
And then I took his filthy corpse and put em on me head
I say it's true my lads, indeed my lads, I never was known to lie!
And if you'd been in Dundee, you'd seen it same as I!

Twas my second day in Dundee and I as helpless as a quail
With creatures ringed about the town to prey upon the frail
But Samael the blacksmith's son said "Bring me a hardened ooze,
From which I'll fashion you a sword against your foes to use."
And indeed my lads, it's true my lads, I never was known to lie!
And if you'd been in Dundee, you'd seen it same as I!

Twas my third day in Dundee and my feet were sore with pains
For I'd been fighting strange creatures out in the rugged plains
A hermit in a hut of mud took the creatures' metal strange
And hammered out some shining boots to wear out on the range
Indeed my lads, it's true my lads, I never was known to lie!
And if you'd been in Dundee, you'd seen it same as I!

Twas my fourth day in Dundee with a breeze upon my breast
The nightly chill was fierce indeed whene'er I took a rest
And e'en worse a snarling wolf had come when I awoke
But a dozen strikes laid low the beast and I'd found myself a cloak
I say it's true my lads, indeed my lads, I never was known to lie!
And if you'd been in Dundee, you'd seen it same as I!

Twas my fifth day in Dundee and my wooden shield had broke
But a knight named Pestus took me and this to me he spoke
"A mighty iron shield's below for you to freely take,
If you can come back with the key that's swallowed by a snake
And indeed my lads, it's true my lads, I never was known to lie!
And if you'd been in Dundee, you'd seen it same as I!