We stayed … away somewhere. I tried to sleep, I could not for long. The winds moaned so loudly and my vision was so obscured. With my eyes open I saw things – with my eyes shut I saw worse things. I am tired and cold and … I just am so grateful Pallas stayed with me. He is always with me … but I mean REALLY with me. Watching over me and all my dreams when I did take a few minutes rest.

My arms and my legs are sore and bruised. I feel horrible that I hurt Pallas the other evening in my sleep as he tried to hold me down during my nightmares – tried to wake me, tried to save me. I do not want to hurt him; I do not want to hurt anyone … but especially not him! I can not stay – I can not leave!

What in the N’rolav do I do?? I will not put him through this again. Not now – not when I have to face the dead zone, not ever! .... I feel so lost. Why did Will do put this on me NOW? Why not at least have waited until I needed to know ... needed to go there to tell me what would come for me and what I would be facing ... Why ... ?

I can not do this all again ... I simply can not. I won’t hurt him. I can not and I will not!!!

… but if I go off alone … I hurt him more? …

What do I do!!?

*an ink stained stab can be seen torn through the page*

[COLOR=violet]I had nightmares all night. I woke and slept and woke and slept and each time I woke crying and clawing or shrieking. I was scared to death by the rotting images of Myoakka and of my Father. They were so real – I could smell the rot and smell the dried blood and the death that ravaged their wretched bodies. They were stalking me, wailing my name, touching me with their dirty, bloody half-rotted fingers.

Well then. I think I am 23 autumns now, maybe 22 or even 24 autumns. I know it is one of those numbers, but was never sure the exact year of my birth.

Pallas returned on what the few I even told called my ‘special day’ and with the most beautiful and exquisite gift I’d ever seen in all my life!! It’s a soul stone, intricately worked on and with silver and gold and designed with unicorns and sea horses. In a beautiful golden script was my own name and Pallas’ name. It truly is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen – so delicate and small yet so bright and bold!

Now I understand why he snuck away on me for these past few days. He wanted to do something very special for me, and that he truly did! There were no beatings, no torture, no pain … only love from Pallas and my friends. Oh, how I love him so much more today for making that day the best ‘special day’ I’ve ever had. He even gave me a little cake with two candles on top. I made a wish, in secret of course, but that wish had already come to light for me many moons ago when I met Pallas. I love you my darling.

Lucy and Keldor had given me some treasure boxes. I was so excited. I had three more on me so Pallas and I went back to the hall and got comfortable by the fire of the rogues lair, and he opened them for me. The first was a journal of course. I think at one point I had 4 full sets of them. The second – all I remember was seeing a crystal shard sitting beside me. The next thing I remember was waking up in Pallas arms and he was patting my cheek. He must have put the shard in my pack for me. *blushes* I was speechless to say the least, and it was the last thing I’d expected to see, really!! I think when I told Lucy she was more excited for me finding a shard then she was when she found her shard!! Thank you Lucy! I love you, girl! Thank you Pallas for, um, letting me faint on you!

Now, as for gifts – I gave Pallas something that I’d wanted to give him for a very long time. It was a duelmaster infused with my own light. It took me a very long time to gain the knowledge of the scroll I needed to assist me in this spell but finally I’d obtained it and was soooo excited to do this, as draining as it was for me. I was sad however, to realize that duelmasters had been changed and now are only +1 dex instead of +2. Pallas claims he loves it anyways, but … well I hope the lost dex point isn’t too noticeable for him in training. Thankfully, he still has his older right duelmaster. What do I know anyway about rogues blades?


Early I had performed a bonding for my dear friend and guild sister, Fen and her love Drake. It was so beautiful and I can see how very in love they are. Fen looked lovely – I’d never seen her so vibrant and so soft at the same time. Drake couldn’t even take his eyes from her. It was so sweet and romantic. I have so happy for them both.

The events of the day kept me from somewhere id also wanted to go – to the Hammers bash!! I’m sorry Cel and my Hammer friends. Time flew from me so fast, I hear it was a wonderful event and I wish I’d been able to stop by for a time. I hope there are no hard feelings.

I feel very content, right this moment – but so so tired.

Oh! and all hail the Great Korunga!! it nearly flattended me yesterday in the desert but it did give me a tasty gift!

I am worried.


I still have no word from my love, still unsure where he slipped away to, and I am about to do a bonding in a few moments. He said he would be here ... he is my support and I need him.

I am so very tired and I really miss Pallas. I’ve no idea where he is, I awoke the other day to a rose beside me, he usually does that when he leaves for a time – but usually he tells me where he is going. I am upset right now, and worried about him. Why didn’t he tell me he was going somewhere? I sleep and I have bad dreams these nights – and I feel really down and confused.

…and I’ve no desire to write.

I’ve had no desire to write these days and that’s bad - for me it is, as I usually love to write so very much. Even now, as I am writing, I don’t want to be writing, I just feel as if I have to do so - and so here I am. *sighs lightly as she writes*

Pallas leveled, that’s the good news, then we tried to get his next quest item, and the stupid horror was not at home. Someone else had already defeated him. Well done I say!

Though, on the negative side, and it’s a shame really – but people sometimes just trample down certain quest creatures as they farm away - with no regard for others. I am in no way saying that’s what did happen, just that I’ve seen it happen all too often and heck it happens on accident a lot as well. There is no way to tell unless you see it with your own eyes, so I am just saying...

I see greed all over the lands – from people I know and people I do not know. You can not change a person’s character I know this but I guess I thought sometimes when people’s lives are changed by others that their lusts and desires could change too. Does all the love proclaimed around there lands mean so little?? Is it just spoken yet worth nothing in the end? Have we not been taught to help our fellow man and to treat others as we wish to be treated? When you look at the big picture, are we not all on the same side and fighting for the very same things? Gods, I do not even know anymore.

Plat is just not all that important to me. I make enough to get by, to help out anyone – those I love most assuredly and those I do not even know; but then I look at the market and I see 30 fall festival tokens for sale and I just think it is so terrible and wrong. I’m not talking rare items – I’m talking about the little things that could make a persons day, such as the FF tokens. How can anyone have the nerve to sell them for 500, 1000’s of plat?? I’ve given away so many just to see the joy in others – to see someone face light up as they get a costume and can enjoy the festival with the rest of the lands. It’s about unity and kindness – not selfishness and greed. I am very thankful for those others who do the same. Any little bit of kindness helps. Plat is not that hard to make, just takes a little work. Why are so many so against it?

Though, this is just my feelings on the subject – and that doesn’t mean they are right or wrong. Everyone will not agree, or see eye to eye on any matters. It has never been and never will be a perfect world, but I will continue to do what I can to help change that which I do not agree with and fight that which I need to fight to help make it more comfortable for us all. At least I hope I will always fight – lately all I want to do is avoid conversation, avoid people and stick to myself and Pallas. He is my light, my rock and my comfort when all else brings me no happiness, no feeling…nothing but this empty sadness I feel now as I gaze around the lands that I call home. I love and treasure you, my closest family and friends, but there is that one person that can always pull you back, and that person is my beloved.

...and then there is this throbbing pain in my swollen, right eye. Darn those horrors hit so HARD.

I need a long rest.........

I need Pallas.

It was so nice to see Pallas so early last evening. I needed that, more then he knows. I love you darling.


I was talking all night with...a friend...she seemed very troubled and she still very much is, and after all we spoke, I curled back onto the couch with the sleeping Pallas and I started to write. It's not very good and most likely confusing to anyone else but I still felt I needed to get it out - for her. She needs somone who can understand, but can anyone? I understand her, I hope.

I think....


Foolish whispers of false pleasing delights,
I can not let my soul give in,
I can do nothing but cringe, frown and fight.
True natures they are shown,
Sitting alone in this dark,
Suffocating my inner soul,
A cruel, ironic, evil mark.

A river flows swift and full of past pains,
I hear the voices shrieking and screaming,
Give in! No, don’t give in - don’t let it in! Yes, Let it in!
The aging river remembers and regrets the past,
Her treaded banks they hold all too many familar scars,
The misty memories arise above all too clearly,
I recall too much - the pleasure, the pain the fear...

'FOOL!' I shout! ... and I shall not go near!

Things went off perfectly for the ~Tales and Ale~. We had so much fun and I couldn’t believe all the faces that were there to share it with me! I was delighted. Thank you all so much for making it a very special night for me and The Learned. *beams*

I snuck a peek at my loves journal after the festivities last evening while he was away for a few moments and I have to say it touched me, so very deeply it touched me - moved me into tears which I did not share with him. They were not sad tears; just I have not seen such emotion in my loves words before. Not quite like the ones I read and a picture painted so lovely before by his words and pen. Its pretty indescribable to me and I lack the ability to come close to explaining justly.

I won a contest! Scariest costume for my Mountain Goblin and 2000 plat and James threw in 10 candyballs! I was delighted by the news!

My event is today, Tales and Ale~ at the hall to celebrate Fall Festival and I am so very nervous. I can not thank Lucy and Kias and Pallas enough for all the help and support they have given me in planning this. Without them, I’d be a way worse wreck them I already am right now!

Now, speaking of Pallas…*fidgets nervously* I hope he returns in time! Actually, I shouldn’t worry … he will be here, no way he wouldn’t be …

Ah – no time for writing more today!

Xx Ellyana

[COLOR=pink][SIZE=5][FONT=Times]
The Princess look backwards.
Shadows darken her long day.
The Princess dances all alone.
The day murmur silently to her.
Night dreams her into a new dawn...[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]


My love has gone for a time, off to do great things. I am so proud of him and he promised to be back for Sundays Fall Festival event at the Learned. I am so, so tired after last night, and i've no energy to even put it all here, for I must finish up what I need to do for Tales and Ale!

then the rest of today is a day for rest!

[COLOR=pink]
Tonight I must do what I’ve been putting off for several moons now. I do not know what purpose it will serve but perhaps this will start some kind of healing process, even if initially there are a lot of tears and anger. I know that there will be, it hurts to loose someone that you care for and even love. My old friend, mentor, teacher – he just feel’s dead to me and in his place is a man who looks the same but is nothing like the person I used to know. It hurts, it hurts a lot, and when I think of him I feel as though I am walking through shadows of things that were and shall not be again.

I can not describe how much that hurts and saddens me. If things ever get back on track, it will be a long, slow road of trust building, and I am just not sure I have that kind trust inside of me anymore. I know right now I am still so angry and hurt that I just want to cry and stomp my feet! Pallas says I have a lot of strength inside me – with fire in my spirit and steel in my soul. I do so hope that he is right, and I wish I could see myself the same way that he does. I like the person that he can see so much better then the person I see me as…on most days.

I am dreading this night – I do not want to leave Pallas’ side. I am so stressed about it, the muscles in my shoulders burn and feel about to pop. I wonder if once again I will be too afraid to face this confrontation. I’m actually surprised they still wish to speak to me – or even want to have anything to do with me at this point. After all I’ve said and done. Mind you I’ve every right in the world to feel as I do – but the kindness in me still makes for guilt.

Thank the Gods for Pallas – he always helps me to see so much more clearly.

Life it tosses us to and fro,
People will come and people will go.
Some memories and people we try to subdue,
Some memories will fade which we try to cling onto.
But change it continues and time brings memories anew,
Life goes on - Sunrifter will rise and love will carry us through. [/COLOR]

I had so much fun at the Trinland United party – most fun I’ve had at a fall festival event as of yet! I even won some stuff. Horray!! I created a persona – [COLOR=red]‘Princess Vampana’[/COLOR]. She is just – a weird girl in a pretty dress… nothing more, nothing less … but Pallas loved her so I think I’ll keep this ‘costume’ on for a few more days. It is so much nicer looking then that oogly green goblin, aye? And Looooocy – she looked beautiful in her gigantic pink moooooooo dress! Pallas looked great as well, he had on all kinds of things from all professions, the message was unity…of the professions and I really loved the idea that he had gone for.

Now…to how I am feeling today as I stare into the fire in the lair. I am sore…my head and body hurt. Its from emotional stress and all the running about I do but mostly my heart hurts. It hurts because I feel I’ve lost someone close to me – something I can not get back and it hurts because I know how hurt Pallas is. I saw it in his face and heard it in his voice. Rarely does his voice lack emotions when speaking to me, but last night it did – and it frightened me. Not his words, just…his demeanor and his tone of voice, or lack there of.

I’d finally shown him the words that had been troubling me these days – on top of everything else. I wasn’t sure I should or not, and I’d decided against it, before changing my mind at the last moment as we talked last evening. He has a right to know – he is my beloved and this hurts him, too, even if he claims the only hurt comes from my own hurt. I saw his eyes when he stared into the fire as the parchment burned to black ash. I'd have given anything to remove that hurt. I wish I could fix it all – have my friend back as things were, that none of this happened, and to have Pallas not have to shoulder all this. What happened? We had gotten back on track id thought. Then he leaves … I say I miss him but am angry … he returns … and I will not see him.

This is fair to no one. We all are hurting in some way and how am I not to feel responsible for it? It’s always my fault – I grew up knowing that, so why should now be any different? I am just so thankful to have Pallas by my side, always offering me his advice and thoughts and feelings. I do not know what Id do without his help, and I know I’d have been long dead without him by my side.

Please Cory, I need your Godly guidance right now…

XxEllyana

*scrawled in much later*

Ah-ha!! I now have the perfect dress for formal and the perfect dress for a most unusual costume, depending on what kind of party this is tonight. They are both so nice ... one innocent, one not so innocent, I wonder what one I'll be wearing ... and I wonder if Pallas will like it?

There is a party tonight, but I am confused what I’m supposed to wear? The invite says “formal Dress Party” yet I’m told costumes? Ah well – I won’t be going at all if I can not sort out details. Formal dress to me is not me stuffed into my goblin costume, thats for sure!!

Will messaged me last night – or the day before. I can’t recall but I messaged him back saying I’d see him on my own time. He knows how angry and upset I have been with him and that’s growing stronger each passing day. He is one of my oldest, closest friends and I am really not sure when things went so wrong, but that’s how they feel, wrong. I miss Will, the Will I know…the mentor, teacher…good friend. Things are always changing I realize but somehow I missed this particular change over and I am still not sure how.

At any rate, I stayed with Pallas then couldn’t sleep so I strolled to the lake path and tossed stones. Kias found me and we chatted for a time. He is so smart and funny, and he always makes me feel better. He must have studied hard; he seems to just hold a wealth of knowledge that is ever useful and not only that, he is good at seeing inside someone, who they really are and what they are thinking and feeling.

I on the other hand don’t even remember having lessons as I grew up or teachings that didn’t involve ending in chaos, upset and screaming. The lessons my father would interrupt between me and the mother who (tried) raised me always ended horribly, horribly wrong – usually with blood and tears from a lashing and from feeding me even more to fear as I laid in my room in the dark, curled in a ball with no dinner - listening to the screaming between my father and mother and just cried. He would hurt her, and I...so young and locked away in my chambers, could do nothing to help her...nothing.

Oh, why is my mind drifting there…? These are supposed to be happy, festive times, not filled with the old sad ‘poor me’ blah blah blah. It’s just whenever I am down, upset and hurt my mind always goes back to the very beginning, the source of so many years of pain and hate, back to my father.

I hate him. I’ve never hated anyone before him, or after him, quite in the same way that I completely hate and despise him. In fact, I’ve only ever truly hated two people in my lifetime, before I met Pallas…before he told me of his tales...

Goodbye for now, journal.

XxEllyana

Rarely am I not in the mood to write, but today – right now anyways that is exactly the mood I am in. My leg feels very sore as does my head and my eyeballs hurt from all the messages I’ve had to read and my brain is just overloaded. My heart and soul feel cloudy and heavy and I just want to sleep for a bit, as I usually do when I feel ….bleah…

People are all out having so much fun, and I've given away several tokens just to try and give what I can to the festival, and make my friends smile. At least that thought makes me feel somewhat better.

I had to take off my costume for a time yesterday and let the serious Ellyana back out for a bit, but it was well worth it. The bonding went off as planned – and it was quite lovely. Merry looked so beautiful in her dress and painted toes and Ram looked the handsomest and happiest I’ve ever seen him. I wish them so much love and happiness. I am told I did a wonderful job and as much as I dislike most bondings, that was the first one I’ve done yet that just felt…right.

Made me realize even more, how much I feel I’ve … I dunno … wasted by not bonding my truest love yet. This is progress for me and I realized the other day just how much I DO want to give him that…sometime soon. For no one else but ourselves – I’ve wasted enough of our time. I’ve been so stubborn with something’s regarding love – especially bondings, and yet now, none of the reason I’ve held onto even makes sense to me– nor can I even seem to articulate them very well. It’s like everything I was feeling before just holds no value now, like it was all just … so daft. Ah, I grow frustrated trying to even write about it and it is way too personal for me to try and go on.

My head REALLY hurts. Someone came right up and just whacked me over the head with a spiked mace the other day – he claims he didn’t like my goblin character. But I’m so good at it, how can you not like it? And even so, what right does that give someone to strike another? Thank the Gods the goblin costume is so thick-skinned or I might have been hurt much worse – or even permanently drain bramaged! Pallas was not happy to say the very least, but he is smart enough to know what is acceptable behavior and what is not – and would not stoop to such a level. The tongue is sharper then the sword sometimes and this person is going to realize it’s very lonely out there – with no one to support you. I’ve tried so darn hard to help, and I’ve gotten no where it seems, I am starting to regrets even trying to be so kind!! SO please - if you see me scampering about, do not hurt me people, it's just me in costume and my darling N'rolav beastie might bite your arms off if ya do hurt me!

Will has still not returned. I sent a bird, I think it reached him – but he just doesn’t seem to care. Again, I am so angry and I’ve no idea what he expects from me anymore – or even what to do should I see him. I am just so disappointed and let down. I want to forgive him, but I just feel so abandoned by him. One moment he is telling me how much he cares and the next – gone without a trace. He knows how serious my trust issues are, and we had worked things out to some point between us, so I really do not understand, unless he was lying. I know as well as he does that we are both extremely stubborn – worse even when we both think we are right about something and are butting heads, so I just dunno… I do miss him, he is one of my very oldest and best friends, but I am just so angry and so hurt and disappointed in him right now. Makes me so sad to think about, so I’ve tried not to these past days. I just want to enjoy the festival and my friends who are here for me – and most of all spend happy days with my beloved big strong fury howling N’rolav beast. I could sure go for a howling right about now, and to hold his big furry paw in my hand. He just howls so darn well!

Back to the spider lair for now…I got something in there that I can’t even tell, or my best friend might cry her eyes out!! Peace and love to you all!

Fall festival is a time for weirdness and fuuun! So then why do some not seem to get that? I’m not gonna say what happened here, because I do not want to bring down anyone’s happy festive moods, but darn some people really do not understand the festivities. Then again, this is…well I wont say his name.

Cel – you rock girl.

Pallas – well…how lucky am I? Just when I didn’t think things could get better, he goes and gets the greatest costume ever! I mean, I totally love to be howled at by big hairy and scary monsters! What a lucky girl I am! Yeah – do not be fooled, he likes being my Goblins N’rolav beast pet!! And good thing I got this animal control collar ...

I’ve a bonding to officiate today and I do not even know where the hall is I’m supposed to be going too! I best go get my act together and get back to Ellyana for a time. *pouts* But I love being a goblin so much!! I feel better then I have in ages, the stress has been meting away. I’m happy and loving it – and if you don’t like it go kiss a …a goblin! But just not me!

Now I need to go find my favorite Looooo cow and Nrolav beastie! They need feeding.

**a daisy is pressed into the pages**

Peace and love to all!

XxEllyana

I was to perform a bonding tonight - but I've been given word that is no longer to happen. Sadly. this only further stresses why I dislike them so much.

last night, for the first night in ages, I didnt farm or train or raise my blade once - until I wanted to find another token, but even that was short lived. I sat in Cerbies with some pals (and some non pals) and stared into my wine bottle. Despite the mood I was in, I felt safe with Pallas and Lug and Kias around me. At one point, earlier in the night, Lug even stood up for me to a young, overly eager and demanding lad. I thank you, Lug - lets hope that the young one can learn some manners!

On a happier note, Lu and I got our costumes!! She just couldn’t wait and we promised to go together so after seeing the costumes emerge last evening we ran to Fartown to get ours. I couldn’t be more delighted with mine! A Mountain Goblin. Heh heh. Could I possibly be any more hideous?? Also, if you see Lucy, watch out for steaming piles...moooooo!!!

So do not be sdcared if you see a snorting and grumbling incoherent mountain goblin chattering as it picks at it gnarly toes. It is just me!

I wonder if Pallas will still find me attractive?

Will is still gone – though I am not sure where to find him. I have searched around the lands, but he is not within them and if he is, he is darn good at hiding. I must openly admit that I am hurt and angered by him, and what he has done. All these declarations of trust and friendship, and then he just strides off to Gods know where? He may have truly thought at the time that he was helping me, some may appreciate him leaving, but he has long been one of my closest friends and he just abandoned me – again. Just like my father did, though a harsh comparison it may be, in my head it is all I know….and for that I will never forgive him.


We spoke, my beloved and I and it was in the perfect place – at least I felt. It was warm and inviting and dark and calming, and the stars, though fabricated from warm lava rocks, glowed comfortingly above us. I was able to think and speak more clearly there with him, despite how I felt and how I still feel about matters, the only real difference is that I wouldn’t wish to be apart from him, no, not ever. As much as I sometimes feel it would be for the best – for him. Not for me, mind you all. If I take rest away from the lands I do love so much, then he will take me away – he promised me he would. Somewhere…anywhere, far away. I’m sure he has such sights to show me – and I know of one place that I really want him to take me.

It’s a most special place to him, a garden – one he created himself from the darkness that he gave new life and a new hope. I want to see it, only, I do not know if asking about it will upset him – I guess I will find out should he read this and hopefully we can speak about it at some point in our near future.

What can I say. I love him and I need him to support and love me back. There is nothing that I would not do for him – he is my flame, my soul and even if he did not feel the same for me, I would want to still do anything I can for him from that love I hold for him. My love is unconditional, as all love should be. I hope that he knows this and that he truly knows just how much I need him beside me – and that I do know he does love and that all he does is for me is so much that I could never thank him enough for it. How many times have I said he has saved my life? It is true – he has, over and over and over again.

If I would die now and this was the very ending moment of my life, then I could close my eyes and die at peace. There is you love and there is me, and in those shooting stars of hope last eve - that was all that I could see.

.....Wow...Im in awe at the beauty....I just....saw two meteors streak brightly across the skies!! Something I've never seen in these lands before. It was like little bright lights of hope - I only wish I could have shared them with Pallas.

[COLOR=red]
Ever feel like you’ve just received a viciously cold-hard slap across the face, that stings so badly, yet you are all alone? You reach up to touch the blood on your fingertips, yet there is none flowing?

I’ve somewhere I need to go tonight – to take Pallas…if he chooses to come with me. I need to do this, and I think it can help, and I’ve some questions I need answered - answers in which only my truest can give me…and only in this location will it feel right.[/COLOR]

Melancholy, tears, sadness, doubt... despair...then what?


Wills left, which shows he does not care despite what his note tells me...right??? and ... someone else 'understands' if I have to go... I could tear out all my hair, right this very moment! Is everyone totally mad or is it just me, becasue thats how it all seems right now – maybe though, that’s just because I am so very, very tired, overwrought and confused - and everyone else has just flat out gotten under my skin and instead of feeling cared for - I feel less loved then ever!

Then again, am I a total hypocrite to be so upset abou a friend gone, when I just want to do the same???

What am I even doing anymore? What is the point when no one cares to listen? I hurt one, no two friends today, and though it’s worked out alright, I still feel terrible as that was never my intention at all, but oh how funny it is words and feelings can get so darn misconstrued. How friendship can be tested and so easily cast away is just beyond me. How more and more people these days it seems flab their lips about everyone else and always trying to start trouble for people - not ever considering why they do what they do or who they are hurting.

Everything I do and everything I say anymore, eventhough it's always been straight honest, it just means absolutely nothing, so I am done.. done trying. I give in. I’ve tried my best and it means nothing – so what is the point? No matter what I do, I fail someone, somehow and everything I have learned to believe in I suddenly doubt. I knew it couldn’t be real - and I didn’t deserve to be happy.

Why didn’t I just go home when I said I would??! Things would have just been better…for everyone, had I done so. Oh Pallas, my love - I am so, so sorry ...

What's happened to me?

I’ve some business to attend to over the next few days – weeks maybe, and then there is nothing really holding me here after that, now is there?

I am tired. I always am, but more and more I just feel as if I could sleep and not ever wake, or dig myself a hole in the desert sands and just climb in and let the sand drift over me and hide any evidence I existed. That’s horrible, isn’t it? I’ve so much on my mind anymore that I can not seem to focus or keep anything straight, try as I might. It’s as if I’ve reached a point my brain no longer can retain new information without loosing something older. sometimes I feel im mixing my past with my present or my dreams with my waking moments. I don’t know how else to explain it. I’ve been dazing a lot, too and just forgetting stupid little things. And I am busy – always so busy and worn out. I don’t know how I keep putting my feet forward some days. See even now, my thoughts all feel so scattered – like the sands around me, just blowing aimless in the wind.

Even worse, I feel like I’ve been holding Pallas back from training these days when that’s what he has wanted to do – be it due to injuries, emotional state, rushing about to cater to others needs, planning events, etc. I just feel I’ve wasted so much of his time and that feeling really gets under my skin. My friend Lucy is feeling unwell and my friend Will is…sad…and I just feel so useless. I can’t do anything right for anyone. It seems no matter what I do or don’t do, someone’s always left unhappy – maybe I really just expect too much of myself, but I don’t know. Maybe I need to walk away for a time...take my own rogue trip.

Some days I feel as if I am just a big thorn in everyone’s side, though of course they would never admit that. I envy my friends like Lowrenzo and Lug who just seem so at ease with life and whatever comes of it and how laid back they are - and I am thankful for them, as they can always bring a smile to my face when I most need one with something silly they say – even if my spirits are lifted for only a moment, it’s better then nothing.

I’ve so much more I want to say but I’m just too tired and all I want to do is hold my love.

Well - I did it, and I think it was a huge mistake. I was uncomfortable being alone with him but I held myself together quite nicely. I asked him, inside the temple, as I explained to him everything if he chose this path on his own free spirit because he wished to help others. I asked him if he would practice patience and kindness to all others. He said yes to all of it - as he rushed me that is and interrupted me several times. Then, getting the ring he prodded me to teach him all my blessings - right then and there! I then quickly prayed for more patience at the alter, he wasn’t happy with that, and then I explained the crystals to him. He was very unhappy about learning that he had to work for his blessings.

This is not going to end well, but I tried...I thought I could help guide him and I felt declining someone, no matter who they are that asked for sponsorship, would have been a bad thing, but I've since been told I should not have done this feeling as I do. I even gave him some pots and plat and what did he do? He asked me for more... even asked me to go to Ethucan for him and buy him some new weapons.

........

...and then he left without even a thank you ... having NO clue at all how much I wanted to scream at him the entire time.

[COLOR=pink]My love came home to me - unharmed and in good shape, just as he had promised me that he would. I was so happy to see him I nearly cried, but I did not, I just smiled and hugged and kissed him, holding him tightly and not wishing to let go. I missed him so badly, I always do when he is gone, and he returned to me with the remedies from outside lands for my hurts, just as he had promised me he would. So maybe when he says 'nothing is ever straightforward when dealing with a rogue' that is not such an accurate statement as perhaps it once was. *smiles*

Our conversation last night made me wish so badly that I'd acted on one of those impulses I've had over all the time my love and I have been together and just found a cleric and bonded - right then and there. I need to get past how I view bondings of these days and only focus on how much I utterly adore and love my beloved Pallas, for that is what matters most to me. [/COLOR]

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Now - for the not so happy stuff.

Sometimes everything just goes upside down, sideways and all over just WRONG! And it is infuriating!!

I am so angry right now. I stayed awake, far longer then I wanted or should have, to sponsor someone who really wanted me to sponsor them at the time they asked, and they just did not bother to tell me they weren’t going to be able to meet me. I even asked if we could arrange another time but noooo, they HAD to do it the second they wished - then he doesnt even show up! I could have been resting with my love but no. I went out to help someone, again, who has no appreciation for anything or respect for anyone else. and what do I get for it? Stood up! For months and months he has pestered me on and off - followed me. Now he is back, asking for this, that and the other - and not even a thank you...then to make things worse...he...oh - I am so mad I can not even write!!



--------------------------------------


-Today-

I am a bit calmer today – but last night wasn’t any good after Pallas went to rest. After the one who had requested that I sponsor him never showed up (a person who knows I do not like him but yet I could never turn away blessings or sponsoring someone) I was SOOOO angry that I ran the desert for marcs and marcs and marcs in search of glowies and tokens, WP’s … whatever speaking to no-one and not even stopping for air. I had 4 self mods so I tried them on for size and wouldn’t you know it, all 4 failed me in a row!!! Right in a row!? What kind of 1 in 6 chances is that for failing, someone tell me please??

Then 2 items mod’s ruined the items – and NO I had no enchants/blessings on myself or the said items. Can my luck be any worse in that aspect? So I searched and searched for items to trade, sell…anything…running the desert like a mad woman so much so that I just wore myself to the point where I passed out. I felt it happening to me...I saw things start to blur and swim, I felt myself fall, and then lots of sand but there was nothing at all that I could do to stop it from happening, nor did I very much care. Thats all I can really remember, without an effort. The rest is just what I think happened.

Will helped me, he gave me some wine; took me to rest, at least I think it was him – I’ve really no idea right now, my memory is just a haze of blurry images. I know Pallas will be upset with me for doing this to myself – especially over … that person who we do not even like and with my leg so tender and having just been taken care of by him, but … ugh!! I was just so stinking mad at that...person!!! And then at everything else!! I still am – so furious in fact, and as I write this I become even angrier I can feel my hearts thumping in my chest. It is probably best that I just stop writing now before I say or do something really stupid. Back to racing the desert … even if I know I shouldn’t …

On the plus side…I did manage to get Pallas a nice little gift…even if the night did almost kill me, not all was lost!

I am excited about the fall festival. I always loved autumn – my birth was sometime in autumn, though I am not quite sure of the day. My father always said it was on the day which the dead are told to rise, he liked to frighten me but little did he know the thought quite fascinated me, even at such a young age. My mother who raised me, she always insisted it was another and would get kind of flustered about it, and my birth mother, well I guess only she might really have known and I guess I never will really know, but that’s okay, I do not like birthdays much anyways, for reasons I don’t want to get into.

So… I made a scroll based off an idea that I had for an event that the guild could hold during the festival - and so now we are going to do it. I am nervous, though, but soon I’ll tell people all about it. It should be fun and I’m even writing a tale to tell, and I love to write, as you lot already know.

The last few days for me, without my beloved, have been mellow and I’ve been keeping my mind occupied and mostly to myself. Last night was an exception. I had a nice time with Will and Kias and Lucy. We had wine and food together in the dream room and just talked a bit and relaxed. I miss Pallas dearly, but inside, I feel a bit peaceful – as if I know that he is okay and will be with me soon. Oh Gods, I pray to you all that I am right about that feeling inside of me. When he left again, I was so upset, but I have trust and faith in him that he will always come back to me.

Xx Ellyana

Really gone and done it this time, I have. I could not control myself, try and I might have since I was hurt. Days of reopening the wound after it was healed on the outside by Will and then myself with our herbs – having to start the process over again and again because I couldn’t leave it alone, and now I’m sure I’ve left permanent internal damage to my injured leg. The outside, right above my knee and new tattoo looks much better since I was finally able to stop tearing it open again, so it’s healed over some now but underneath that, inside I am sure I’ve damaged nerves or muscles for it burns and aches and putting weight on it or standing too long is very painful. Some cleric I am. I have the abilities to help but some things are just too complicated for a cleric’s simple healings.

A person’s mental state and will has a lot to do with how well some injuries will heal – especially emotionally, and I know I’ve not been in the best of places emotionally – for most my life. Now, because of my lack of self control, Pallas is now gone…again. He has set out to seek his friends and remedies from their lands which may worrk in a different way that what I know. A path he assures me is open and safe – and that he will return to me in a few days.

Where have I heard this before? As much as I wanted to go with him, there is no way that I could have – how could I have made it and what would the point be in my slowing him down because there is no way I’d have been able to keep up with him. Maybe I should have just gone – despite it all and despite the risk of hurting myself further. What does any of it matter if he is gone from me, again, when I could have been there. My Gods…I should have gone!! I should have gone – the guilt from last time is searing through my body now, screaming at me ‘don’t you remember how you felt last time you didn’t go with him’. Gods… I wish he hadn’t gone…I wish I HAD gone! I’m so afraid that what happened last time will happen again and once again I am not with him. It is all too fresh in my heart and soul - all that fear, the pain and the worry. It’s gripping me again…it’s just far too soon…

But…I understand why he has gone and I love him more for it, if that is even possible. I’d have done the same for him…any and everything I could for him if the situation were reversed. He loves me, that I shall never ever doubt, and I know how it feels to be at a loss – to watch someone you love hurt in anyway. It makes you feel lost and helpless and it breaks your heart. I just wish it wasn’t this way…that I was stronger then this. I tried – I did, so much was going on to muddle my mind and my emotions, and it still is. I was unwell and so scared for Pallas and … things with my friend Will – which have seemed to have roused again. What can I do? I do not know what to do about anything anymore it seems. I feel so lost in my own world half the time. I walk a line between light and dark.

I balance in the middle - some days dipping towards the light I love so much and others towards the darkness which brings out a whole different side to me that so many will never see but the bits which snake into my writing. I do not necessarily dislike it, either; I just dislike the darkness and the blood which is associated with my father that I can never rid my body of. The darkness itself though, it’s a raw and wild feeling and sometimes stimulating. I just do not want to fall into it and become lost forever. Everyone has a dark side, and anyone who says differently is kidding themselves or rather, in complete denial.

I wonder when my mind will actually do as it feels, and just explode all over - littering many chunks of my flesh and blood all about the lands as if I’d just ridden the cannon…

Well journal – I think I will leave you aside for a while and go visit the dream room Will took me to one day when I was so upset, but I can not even remember the path. I’ll seek it out and when my love returns to me, I will take him to the most glorious room and maybe together we can have some new dreams filled with love, light and hope. But for now the night calls to me…and it calms my mind with its moon so kind.

Fair winds my friends.

Love eternal
XxEllyana

I hurt. All over – every little inch of my body aches and burns. I think my injured leg hurts less then the rest of my body does right now! Perhaps I’ve been trying to hard, despite the injury, to keep on farming and keep on moving on when I should be resting. Why do I do this to myself? What have I got to push so hard for anyways?

Well until last night I didn’t have such a wonderful gift as a portable rocking chair! Um, wow! My best friend Lucy has had one for some time that I quite envied, and she had them made for me and Pallas long ago, though I’m not sure why she held them until now. Or…perhaps I do, but that’s not the point at all. How wonderfully thoughtful she is, isn’t she? Her beauty shines bright, it does and I can see why so many boys have a crush on her. I love you, Lu!

Again, I’m in the lair, our now favorite resting place, gazing at my sleeping prince – the love of my life as I sit here by the roaring fire wrapped in pelts, and writing my thoughts, and I find myself smiling – even though that hurts, too! My love looks so peaceful; I can not help but smile. Ever is thy sight a joy. He has been so sweet and kind to me, so helpful these days – he always is, but he is just so gentle when I really need him to be. He is always what I need him to be, without a question. He is usually always right in tune with me. Yeah, I know. I’m sure some of you are tired f hearing about how I feel for my love, but if you are, then please stop reading and go kiss an orge! It is my journal after all – my thoughts and my feelings to be said however I wish them.

My leg itches like a wild fire and my head is spinning, but I feel happy because I feel loved so nothing else really matter right this moment – when all you need is love.

Oh, my dear journal there is so much I wish to say to you – to put into you right now but sadly I just can not…as much as I want to, knowing that it will help me get my thoughts straighter, but I just can not risk it and I promised never to say anything, so that means I can not tell you either, journal. It is for the best too, believe you me…

How well does one person really know someone else? I've heard this question a few times in my life and I’ve thought it myself even, and the answer is always the same. Not so well, (and those I did, I wished I’d never known at all) but that’s because there has never been anyone in my life until now that I’ve wanted to know so deeply and so truly - everything little thing that there is to know. Maybe I’m just crazy, I don’t know, but ‘they’ say that no one ever really knows another person. Maybe this IS true, but I want to say that it doesn’t HAVE to be true, I want to prove to myself that it isn’t so, and that I do not just accept it as true because that’s what I’ve been told is so! I feel it is totally possible to really know another person – especially the one closest to you…you just have to really want that and make it known to them. Right? No secrets, no lies…that’s my truth, maybe my hope. And I want to know everything…I want to be trusted, but it is so much more then just that.

It’s important to me because I love him so deeply with everything that I am and I’d give any and everything I had or didn’t have to him. Being with someone is so much more then just sharing time and a living space with them – among other things. I am not sure most realize that any longer – or if they ever did. To me it is totally knowing and attempting to understand that person – inside and out their deepest desires, their every need - their likes, dislikes, strong points, weak points…their past…their fears. Their joys and their hopes and dreams… It is interest in their entire life, regardless of whether nothing from the past matters presently – or if it can completely change the future. It is wanting to know everything. Being completely intrigued by learning anything you can about that person that there is possible – no matter what the outcome.

Then again, I’m also all about leaving something to the imagination…and I myself have only just started to open up more as I’ve lived in these lands. I wish I could make sense of what I am trying to say…maybe I am a complete hypocrite? Oh I do not know and now I am so frustrated!!!
I guess it is as it was told to me…nothing…nothing is ever straight forward….
…or maybe I am crazy afterall…

Doesn’t matter.

I love my rogue, inside and out – through anything – past, present…future.

I’d found Pallas in Milltown the other day. I had walked right into him and just held him so tight. I almost felt like I could have gone into total shock for a moment, but all my thoughts were in tune to him. He seemed in a bad way, he was weak and he had a fever and was going on about something…the bank...something he wanted to give me. I did not know at the time what had him so worked up, but I knew I needed to get him off his feet before we both fell over, and get tending to him. Seeing him after so long - being with out him so long and afraid he was dead, I was just so overcome with so many emotions that I forgot all about my own pains and I just held him up, somehow, with one leg a terrible mess. I am not sure how I did that, but I am glad that I could. I even had someone stop and come to me and ask me to bless them – the first time in all my life I refused to give my gifts to someone. How could they? Really – couldn’t they see my arms were a bit full at the moment and my face streaked with dirt and tears? Did they offer me a hand? No. Would I have accepted? I do not think so, not in that moment. Some people in these lands seem to have no regard for anyone other then themselves and it saddens me so.

Kias woke thankfully, and helped me get him back to the liar where I tended to him, healed over what wounds I could that needed attention, though I have to say that Denion had already done a great job and the cuts were looking good and with no infections. I will keep watch over them as they heal fully. I fed him and tried to reduce his fever and just loved him. It was all I could do and it never feels enough. He is doing so much better now, though as I already said, I just don’t feel I’ve done enough for him. He fought tooth and nail to get back to me – his strength and endurance always amazes me. He saved my life more then once, and he knows all this, but what have I got that can ever be enough to come close to any of that to give him?

And through it all he seemed to only care about one thing. A gift he has since given to me. I mentioned it in my last entry – it’s most exquisite and unlike anything I’ve ever seen but it means so much to me but not only because it is a true gift from the heart, but because he protected it almost to the death to be sure to get it to me. The detail is just...it’s stunning and the sentiment there is just no price or words to show what that means to me. The little lock picks entwined with holy rings. Could there be a more wonderful man alive? Not in my eyes…

Speaking of men, I need to go see Denion myself sometime – after my leg heals, and thank him for such beautiful work and definitely most importantly, for taking care of my love when he was hurt and I could do nothing for him. I’d rather not think what may be right now if not for Denion’s kindness, especially to more or less a stranger, like Pallas. Is it at all odd that my gut tells me that there just might be more concerning the two of them? When Pallas is better I will have to ask, though I am most likely just being silly, for I’m sure if there was more between them then meets the eye, Pallas would have told me. Right? After all, we did go in the wrong direction the first time we ran into Denion and found him on accident. Why would Pallas let me be lost walking in circles for so long? Well, now I’ve gone astray now with my thoughts…

My leg is killing me, and twice now I’ve ripped open the wound that was healed over on the surface by Will herbs. I’ve made more myself, but if I can not control myself and keep itching and open this wound again, I am risking serious problems. The itching is good, as it indicates that the inside is healing, and with my clerical skills it IS healing fast, but it is so overwhelming the urge to itch that once the healing herbs start to wear I just want to tear it open again with my nails!! Gods, I do not want to cause permanent damage, but is it already too late?

It is disgusting to look at after I am done scratching, and it just hurts so much that I keep drinking wine with some other herbs I sprinkle inside the bottle to help sooth the pain and let me rest. As a cleric, I’ve done what I can, so perhaps I just need to bind my hands together with a nice strong bos strap. I don’t know what else to do! If I could get through 2 days with out having to basically start over, I’d be well alright, or at least would have been.

**Ellyana sits beside the roaring fire in the rogues lair, glancing up often at Pallas as she writes, a soft smile graced upon her face. She stops at times to touch her wrist - where a fine silver and gold bracelet now rests. It is crafted most exquisitly and made of interlocking alternate links of fine silver and gold. The silver links are a rogue's lockpicks and the gold links which join them together are the exact tiny replica's of a cleric's holy ring**

[COLOR=pink]Hope. [/COLOR]

Such a small little word but it carries such grand emotions, does it not? It is such an extraordinary spiritual emotion that is gifted and graced upon us by our Gods – a defense of sorts bestowed upon us – inside of us to help control our deepest fears in our darkest of hours, not meant to rid us from them entirely of course, for without fear we could have no hopes or dreams, but a safe coating to help protect us in the times of those fears and when we feel completely broken – to protect our hearts and to protect our souls when they feel the most betrayed, confused, lost and frightened … the most pained.

Some might say that hope is nothing more then a greater evil of emotions then all I’ve just mentioned above – a wickedness that just prolongs our pain and torments and that it deceives us with it’s lies and falsehoods of that which will never come to be, that it is but a dream and a lie and a let down which should be tossed aside, forgotten and abandoned … but I do not believe that. Not for one second. I look back at where I was, and where I am now and there is no way that I can not believe in hope! Just because you do not believe in hope … or anything for that matter, that does not mean it does not exist, and it is truly wrong and unfair to take away the hope of another being – for it may be all that they have to live on … it may be all that keeps them going … some may have no more then their faith and their dreams and their hopes to keep them alive. I know. I know so well because for so many years all I had was my hope to keep me alive, even when I did not want to be alive.

Hope for me is a blessed gift. Softly spoken words from within me - graced to me from some greater presence that sings very gently to me. When others tell me to give up or to forget and move on, even though the very though is heartbreakingly unbearable, hope sings a whimsical tune into my soul. It says - ‘wait just a bit longer, Ellyana … even though I know it hurts you so; please stay strong just a little bit longer …’


Love floods my heart with hope which then brings me pure happiness. It tickles my spirit and because of hope my stubbornness can flourish too! I am way too stubborn to lose all my hope – to give into others words, or to just accept words that I do not have to accept as truth, even when I seem to be sinking. Stubborn hope. It is the best kind of hope that there is – for if you refuse to give up hope then the sweet touch of a dewy new dawn will break through that stone cold darkness which can shroud you in black despondency. If you hope and you believe then you are truly blessed and anything can happen for you … just believe.

[COLOR=pink]Hope.[/COLOR]