Home.

The place that calls to you gently on the wind wherever you are. The place that knows your moods, your worries, your joys and your pain. The place your family inhabits, that your friends walk through. That has cosy corners and familiar things to comfort you.

And so we have returned. Returned to home.

And it is wonderful to be back. I could hear the excitement in my voice as I joyfully greeted my guild brethren. I missed them all so very much - it was as if I had been cast into a desert for years without seeing them! But of course I was not - I was in a marvellous place that now has a place in my heart as nowhere I have ever visited outside of the lands.

The journey back through the doorway was as harrowing and joyful as the journey out. I watched another go through the door and realised that Aurora was safe - what I thought to be her destruction appears to be the mechanism by which travellers are cast against the wind to hopefully - by faith - arrive at the other side!

Harrowing in other ways too..... they had taken my hand as we stepped through which I was glad of for I stumbled when we landed back. But then I had to let go and somehow as I did, I could feel myself falling - but I do not know where. I had not realised perhaps until that very moment how hard returning would be in one way. In the end it took a great effort to wrench away, and I turned and all but ran to the guild House of Worship. And there I fell to my knees to give grateful thanks and to allow myself a brief moment of emotion that I have not allowed before. Tears are a release - and now they have been spent.

As I knelt in the quiet peace and calm of the House of Worship I was struck again by all that I had seen and memories and images flashed into my head and were just as quickly gone again. Strange then that majestic and awe-inspiring as Ben's great Temple in Iscax was, and I was as moved by it as anything material I have seen, the peace I feel here in this humble place is just as great. It does not matter where or how a hallowed place is fashioned - it is the reason for being there that makes it wonderful.

I was almost lost to myself again though as I made my way to The Swashbuckler where I knew Richard would be inspecting the new kitchen. I had breads to pass to him which I did not want to be anything but fresh. I found Richard - and there also my travelling companion. Completely unexpected and joy wrestled with fear and self-doubt once more. I made my excuses and uttering, no doubt, senseless words almost fell out of the door and took myself to the dock to gaze out over the waters. The waters held my thoughts gently and I lay a long time on the quay trying to make sense of everything. I feel a different person. Well, no - not different - but I seem to see colours and hear sounds more clearly and to feel emotions more acutely. My soul has wakened after a long sleep.

Wandering through the land again has been - well strange. Reacquainting myself with familiar places it seemed almost that I looked upon them with new eyes as a stranger. We do not have the peace that the Ethucans seen to have in Iscax. There are horrors and decay. But this is home and my place is to protect it and its Queen and people. It is good to be reminded of that.

I met up with Richard again and many friends in the Inn. He does not seem to have been offended by my odd behaviour - or at least chooses not to mention it. He was already, like the generous soul he is, handing out breads to those who have not been lucky enough to see Iscax for themselves. It went down well. But by now my head was swimming and my body felt completely drained. In a state of exhaustion I dragged myself up the stairs to rest. My head was filled with dreams and almost fantasies. My mind did not just play out the events that have been, but seemed to be exploring possibilities. I confess I do not wish to stop it from doing so. A fragile and false happiness perhaps, but in sleeping hours I do not think it will be harmful. We all deserve to think of ourselves for a little while.

On waking, I had been left a message and one that brought great relief and joy and - something else - to my heart. I have kept all these notes and they are safe in my pack. In quiet times I bring them out and read them again. Searching for meanings, searching for answers, and reassuring myself I have not dreamt everything. If only they knew what they mean to me.

And so the routine comes back. Training again and journeying to Branishor.

Taking up my blade again I went to the mines and I believe the treacherous Gremlins there are not pleased I have returned! I waded into their camp with a savage air but I am still tired from my journeys and will need to tread carefully for a couple of days.

Surely Cory's Temple there is a spiritual home as much as Ben's Temple in Iscax? Having visited Kathryn and prayed I have decided to rest here a while and write my journal in this haven. I have so much to be thankful for. What better place to remember it?

And so although we have been here some considerable time, suddenly it seems to have gone by in a moment. Soon we must return and I must leave behind this wonderful time. I do not begrudge doing so - I have missed all my guild so very much and long to know they are safe and what has been happening at home. So the last marcs will pass and so will something else I think: That DOES make me sad to think of it.

When I awoke it was to the smell of fresh grass and flowers and gentle sounds and I confess it was as if waking into a dream. That happy place I have known before between waking and sleeping - only here it was real, I was awake and in this joyful place. The sound of their voice carried to me and dragged me to my feet as I realised I was not alone - the comfort of that feeling is something I am trying to etch into my brain so it does not fade. It is so good. I was encouraged to take one long look about the place as we were to head for Mercantile Street - the throbbing, busy, lively commercial centre of the city that we had seen from afar when we arrived. As we got there - the noise! It was unbelievable! And we were struck again by the sheer volume of these tall buildings housing the Ethucan people. I explained that to help me to my sleep I had tried to imagine how many people they contained. The numbers became too overwhelming! On arriving we hardly knew where to look first! Used as we are to our small traders plying their trade to a small number of adventurers, the shock was complete as we were jostled by huge crowds and our eyes spoiled with places to look. We visited first to the North and found the means of getting home. Alas that I had to rely on my friend once more having not even nearly enough platinum to satisfy their prices. Not even when I negotiated some items from the banker to offer to sell. Things were worth nothing! That did not bother me so much: In fact it was ironic really that things we hold so dear are, in monetary terms worthless, and I thank the gods for teaching me that worldly wealth, although making things easier sometimes, is truly not important. I must say it was easier to think like that when generosity put into my hands the means without the need for parting with the money!

It was then I felt a pang of homesickness for our brother Rig came upon us in that place. We were both so very happy to see him and to try and get news of home. He had just arrived but had nothing of real import to tell. That must be a good thing I think! It suddenly brought all my dear guild family and friends to the front of my mind.

He was sporting some soft comfortable looking footwear which drew my eye immediately. Long have I sought something comfortable that I could wear when not training ever since I was forced to wear chain mail shoes for so long. They pinched and bit into my feet and I remember them with thanks (for protect me they did) and with pain! I left the men to their talk and ran to find the textile artist at the location he described. Having browsed their wares I ran back having never seen such things! The cloth hangs so beautifully - I have never been interested very much in my appearance and I pray it is not the beginning of vanity - but it has been strange walking around this city seeing so many elegant people and elegant clothes. I confess that at least twice I have caught myself apologising for my appearance and trying to do something - anything really - with my hair. It seemed to cause amusement more than anything...... I do not understand men at all. It is a strange thing to have....well a desire to look groomed for another...

We then decided to take a meal which thankfully I could at least pay for(!. The restaurant was extremely elegant and I was terrified of making a fool of myself or my friend. The waiter though was not rude as in the Ethucan restaurant on Kilican, and the food a fraction of the price! I chose a salad and my friend some vegetable soup which looked extremely nourishing and appetising. I asked them to taste the salad when it came: He declared it tasted as it did at home. Well, perhaps it was the Ethucan air, or the surroundings, or the fact I discovered I was very hungry, but I found it tasted even better than at home. The soup I was assured really was delicious and it was not long before the meal was over. Then I forgot myself and licked my plate to get the last taste of the delicious dressing. My friend whispered to me that perhaps licking empty plates might not be Ethucan custom. I was mortified and felt my face flush crimson - and then, bless them, they took their plate and licked it too smiling at me. I am sure half teasing and half in support. He said perhaps the Ethucans might now accept this as a Valornian custom! Much as sitting in their company enjoying a relaxed meal was wonderful, I was never so glad as to escape! How embarrassed I felt and how unsophisticated! I ran down the stairs and back out into the street and leaned against the buildings feeling such a fool. My friend soon followed though and reassured me. I wonder truly what they must think of this uneducated and unsophisticated person they have wandered round Ethucan with.

When we returned to the shops I showed the textile artist's things to my friend and pushed him far enough away that I could make some purchases. He left me to it and went North to a spectacular armoury. I was in wonder when I followed and looked about the place. Richard would love it here! So many things to see and different styles of weapons. He will be fascinated to see the footwear too. My friend, like the incredible person they are, was not of course shopping for themself, but when they had made their purchases told me they were gifts for promising initiates. I think my heart should surely have burst at that moment. They are......so very special.

Moving on, my friend pointed out a bakery and such wonderful smells that invaded the street - I have never known the like! Even though we had just eaten my mouth was awakened with the thoughts of sweet things and we went in. I bought some wonderful soft sourdough and something with nuts for my friend who declared that they would soon lose their tall and athletic frame if they hung around with me for very long. I like to think he was joking...... certainly he seemed glad enough to take it! I then pushed into his arms awkward gifts I had collected that I thought he would like. A robe with a band of gold - Kimaldian colours. And a pair of those soft shoes. I hope they will be worn when they have a chance to relax....if they ever really do at home. But it gives me some comfort that they are there if they can be worn. They were such small gifts - for how can I repay such kindness as I have been shown - but they were given from the heart and were full of thought. My friend pointed out a jeweller then but I just smiled and walked away saying I did not need to see it. I am acutely aware of what little money I have and did not wish to see something I would have liked in truth!

And so we had seen it all. All of Iscax laid out before us and explored with our feet and eyes. It has been touched and smelled and wondered at. Senses have been awakened; souls feel alive. And it was, as I thought it would be, with heavy heart that I followed him back towards the doorway. As if to tease me further, when we got there, time laughed at me as my friend realised we had missed the doorway being activated. Giving me just a little longer......just a little more time here. Here with them. I cling to every marc despite my desire to go home.

Nothing to do but rest. He sat with loose limbs, arms resting around his legs and rested his dear head on his knees. Seeing the guards I felt again unsettled and asked if he would leave me if he awoke and found the doorway open as I still slept. He answered no - he would not have me alone on a different continent and I felt....happy and protected. So I shuffled closer sitting as he did but facing him and lightly leaning against his frame as sleep took me.

I have awoken briefly and am glad to see he still rests. So I write for the last time from Ethucan and hope when I look back on this I do not forget a single moment. I hope I have not been burden or embarrassment - that they have enjoyed themselves as much as I. Their generosity has given me contentment, happiness, wonderment, and now fleeting pain - but only pain from leaving all those wonderful things and feelings.

Yet soon we will be home. We will part ways. And that will be a pain and a joy (being home not being parted) I must learn to bear. But bear it I can. I am not Vardian the girl as when I entered the land, I am Vardian the woman. I have borne pain, lesser and greater than this, and loss, and I can do so again. I just pray - fervently pray - that as someone wrote to me, paths may be clear, that perhaps they will run close, perhaps cross, perhaps become wide enough for two, and I pray that it might be my turn for joy. Walking in solitude is fine, walking together sublime.

In Ethucan I became the girl again for a time and the memory was good. She still stays with me somewhere in the back.

My friend may not think so, but every single footstep I take is carefully thought out. Things I have lived through have made me so. In fact, I weigh up things a lot more carefully than most...... and when I allow my soul and heart's armour to be gently peeled away, even more carefully..... perhaps they will see that one day.

It is funny how time can creep over everything like a mist and seem to gently wipe away events that have happened until you wonder if they really have. So it was when I awoke - and just a few seconds before my friend. It was as if all that had so nearly been said had vanished in the morning mist. Echoes I can hear in my mind...nothing more. When their eyes opened I saw a glimpse but as soon as proper wakefulness came upon them, it was gone.

The fountain was a wonderful place to wake up. The playful water refreshing and soothing - the face of Cory looking down upon us - what could be better except doing so with them. Bliss. This strange idyllic place plays tricks on the mind perhaps, but I felt as though we were utterly cacooned from the outside world. A shall of peace and tranquility between us and everything outside. But as my friend says - this is not home. And we do belong with our family and friends. I know it too - I wish they did not think I could not see that. But it has been many many long years since I remember no fear, no pain, no threat. Can it really be as peaceful here as it seems? I feel a pang of guilt I confess when our own ravaged land cries to the sky and needs all its inhabitants to protect it and the Queen.....instead of .....well it feels almost holidaying here. But it is not as simple as that - we go before to see what alliance we may have - what people we may meet. I wish we could meet Ethucans to speak with.

Having washed our faces we made to explore the rest of this wonderful parkland and took the whole day to do so. My mind is filled with snapshot images of beautiful flowers - couples strolling looking so happy - and then birds! A whole area filled with colourful, glorious birds, singing and chattering - no threat from these indeed. No vultures or gulls with their harsh cries. And finally we stumbled upon a wooded area filled with strange trees bearing berries, and interspersed between them were statues of scholars large as life. They seemed to wander through the woodland reading books and thinking great thoughts. It was a place to fill the mind with a longing for knowledge. My friend took a risk and plucked a berry from a tree and placed it in my hand. It will sound strange - but it is a precious thing. It will, as he said, shrivel and die as all natural things must, but the memory of where it came from will not. Neither will its meaning to me - whether it was the meaning intended or not. I have pierced it with a string and fastened it to my chain. I think it - utterly beautiful. A sign of life. For in that tiny, small seed, the means is held to grow a mighty tree. That tree will be shelter for those in storms, shade for those burned in the sun, home for animals and birds, and then it will produce its own berries. The circle of life goes on forever as the circle of marble surrounding Cory's statue here.

Perhaps other things may grow from such small and humble beginnings.

We go to rest again - exhausted from too much beauty as well as many footsteps. I am laying on the grass at the entrance of this great parkland, and yet feel as though I am gradually being washed away from my old life and carried by gentle waters away from sparkling white sands.

I pray he will be my anchor.

How do you begin to try to explain the sight of something so moving, so utterly inspiring, so (though I am trying not to use the word) beautiful in every sense be it material or spiritual? I simply do not know. But I must try!

Once we had rested, we looked around and my friend asked me where I would like to go. What a question! Such delight lay in all directions! In the end I could not make a choice and so followed them South towards the great temple. Even the more common place buildings are a marvel to see. The very road was of a beautiful smooth white stone inlaid with what looked very much like gold. I still cannot believe it could have been gold - and yet this city has so much.....excess...that perhaps it is! Whatever the truth, it is stunning to see. When I managed to draw my eyes away from it I followed my friend's gaze to look up at unbelievable huge houses of such opulence I though, at first, they must all be palaces. But it transpires that these incredible dwellings are for city folk to live in. Not just any city folk - they must be of great importance - but none the less citizens. All of these dwellings though were behind great gates and looked to me almost like gilded cages. We pondered, my friend and I, what they could wish to keep out, or indeed stop getting out. Perhaps these great people are threatened by their very wealth and prosperity. How I would love to know. Certainly they were kept very safe with more guards at every turn. More than this though was what we took to be the dwelling of the more commonplace folk! Great towers line the streets and in them it appeared that many many people can live in them. They lie one on top of the other and point as great fingers to the sky. I tried to calculate how many people might live in one of these buildings - never mind the many we saw all around. All of Dundee would fit in just one of them surely!

As we progressed West I hardly knew where to look. To the South the great Imperial Palace in all its marble splendour. Great scenes of battles fought and, it seems, won are all around the walls! Great scenes of such craftsmanship! Terrifying in their rage and yet awe inspiring and inspirational, I should think, for all Ethucans. I did not think so at the time, but looking back on them now it is hard to imagine the Ethucans thinking anything or anyone could invade their seemingly peaceful land when they see such evidence of victories past before them. Then my friend pulled my sleeve and pointed West.

I removed all but my clerical robes and my blessed ring (although I kept my ring of hope tucked into them) and even my friend felt bare feet were a sign of respect they wished to give the holy place we entered next. I cannot describe that first view of the great Temple of Ben - I simply cannot. It was too marvellous. Marvellous in magnitude, splendour.....I felt my eyes fill with tears and then they took my hand and led me inside. Make no mistake - the Ethucans worship and respect Great Ben and know his power. Terrifying scenes of dreadful smiting surrounded us. Ben taking down unworthy adventurers. Ben destroying Demons. Scenes to shrivel the heart of any unholy man and to quail the evil spirit of the Dark One! I was heartened to see no guards in the Temple - Ben himself keeps it safe! A holy cleric was there offering help to those who needed it. Thankfully the gods had seen fit to bring us to this day safe and well and so nothing but to show respect to her was required. I am so grateful to my dear friend for giving me this wonderful gift. How can I explain to them what it has meant? I feel I have grown in many things in the relatively short time we have been here. I have seen things that my lowly eyes are surely not worthy to have seen. And all in the company of one I hold as dear as any of these things.

My friend seemed overwhelmed by these scenes. So it was my turn to gently take their hand and lead them into the altar chamber itself. I felt my face and heart bathed in warmth and light that seemed to come from the very altar itself. It is clearly a place of great comfort and also of longing for the Ethucan people. It was strange to see the altar littered with offerings and with protestations and requests and simple prayers. They lay on the altar ready for Ben himself to read. I did not look at them in detail - it would have felt.....disrespectful. As if I were prying into the lives of the people who wished to lay their hearts and thoughts before their god. And Ben will never go hungry all the while there are people wishing to leave offerings. There were all manner of sweet baked items! Cookies, Brownies, and now the carafe of wine I had bought in Valorn, and my friend laid on the altar - a humble and meagre offering but given with utmost most respect in the land it hailed from to the glory of a mutual god. That felt good. Perhaps one day we might be priviliged to hear a sermon from a priest of the temple here and to sit on the tiered seats to get a clear view!

I sank to my knees and prayed. I do not remember the words that I murmured there, but I do remember great peace and joy. My friend knelt too. It was some time before we moved - the Temple is one of those places your soul feels tied to and in a very different way to the life monuments. Eventually we did move and came as if in a dream back into the light of Sunrifter in the street. It was several minutes before I was fully able to speak and came back to myself. It felt almost as if I were detached from my mortal body. A transcendental experience I will never ever forget.

We could not stay where we were forever and there was much left to see. We moved on and passed by a beautifully formed arch that leads into the park we saw when we first arrived to come upon a lovely sight - a peaceful beach of sparkling water and pure white sand. The water in the straits so still and calm. There are no creatures here to spoil the scene as there are in Valorn! My friend was reminded of the Lake at the palace in Valorn. I could see this and remembered the many times I had stared into those deep still waters deep in thought. They look similar, but feel different somehow. These waters are lovely, but are not as part of me as Valornian waters. That is only natural of course: This is not my home. A feeling of great freedom came over me and I could not help but to remove my boots again and run down the beach feeling the sand between my toes. I felt as a child and make no apologies for it. Years fell from me in a few moments and I could remember many happy times from early childhood. I did not say so - I would have felt most foolish! But there is certainly a great uplifting of spirit to be had from being foolish - just once in a while..... in a place such as this, it does feel as if I have had enough grief and seriousness to last me a lifetime. I do not remember always being so serious as I am now. It is good to remember....

It began to feel rather as if we were being drawn invisibly to the next marvellous thing! Whenever we found a place, our eyes were taken to the next and our bodies surely followed! My friend wished to see the bridge - which must be important - that we could see more clearly from here. To reach it we passed much more of this very tall housing - so many people here! - and then there is was! Enormous statues - two of them - stood one on each side of the entrance - they were strong, steadfast looking, and constructed in such a cunning fashion. They represented great men - there is no doubt. I wishe we knew who.... It is as I thought when we first arrived. This is a mighty race of skilled engineers. How else could buildings and monuments of such incredible stature and design have been raised? We have both been taken by the thought of this. How advanced a race of people! And how they must have looked in wonderment at Valorn and its people when they arrived - though not for the same reason we look at them! It was here that doubts began to creep in. My friend had a shadow pass over their face. Whatever it was it touched them deeply. They turned away from the statues and fell silent. I tried gently to ask what was wrong - but there was nothing. They would not be drawn. Though they said nothing was wrong, it was with a heavy heart I followed them away and then we came into the park.

And what a park! Lucky, lucky Ethucans! The Queen's garden in Valorn is of course beautiful and I love it above many places. But where the flowers there seem to choose to grown and entwine each other with their different scents and colours, here the plants have their place. Their places seem to have been chosen with great care for maximum effect and to show each at its very best. Strange plants too - some that I have never seen. Beautiful flowers..... Wyf would like it here! There were also a large number of different statues - some held books, others weapons, whether they are well known Ethucans or whether they just represent scholarly wisdom and valour I do not know. Whatever the intention, it only heightened the perception of the Ethucans as a great and powerful people. We had some laughs in this splendid place - my friend found a statue that he thought looked like Dirk and yes - it was possible! I found a stern warrior that reminded me greatly of Wyf - indeed we could have populated this land with Remnants from another had we stayed to look long enough!

I moved away West and what a sight beheld us there! An achingly beautiful (that inadequate word again! fountain, again of purest white marble, this time representing Cory - the great bringer of life. The water poured from him seemingly over fields. It must surely be thanks for the provision of the means to grow food. It was surrounded by benches in a circle of the same lovely material as so much of this city. To sit and gaze upon it was to feel peace and awe and overwhelming thanks to the Lifebringer. My friend seemed particularly moved and soon sat close to me. They are so much more learned than I. The upbringing they had seems to remove them from those such as me who did not benefit from a great education, although I was schooled and am far from ignorant. Just looking at that statue they brought such an interpretation and could articulate it in such a way I felt a fool for not having seen it myself. They saw the benches as Trinald with Cory at the centre giving life to the lands. I wish I had the foresight. It made me feel very small and we then had a strange conversation. I had so much I wanted, and indeed tried hard, to say - and yet my mouth refused to form the words as I wished. My questions seemed harsh, their answers stilted.......... oh how I wish I could just turn and look and say all that ask to be said. But the consequences terrify me. Yes or no - life could change forever. I do not fear change - but I am in a safe harbour and do not wish to be tossed out to sea. I cannot be cleric 100% of the time - I said that much. And I long to climb inside that dear head and be able to offer the same comfort as I have received.

So the day ended in a strange companionship - in quiet - going to rest - in front of Cory the Lifebringer and those were the thoughts they murmured as they went to their rest.

We have been gone from Valorn for almost a Valornian week now and I have only had the chance to send a brief note to Topaz to let her know we are in safety and To Jael to offer hope for her entrance to the clerichood and to keep faith. I have missed my dear dear guildmates, but less than I thought. Perhaps because I still have them with me.

So Sunrifter, by the grace of the gods, will rise again on a new day. I feel a small dread that it may soon be time to return to Valorn. I love my homeland - as I see it now - and yet I cannot bear to think of leaving this place. For when I do - a chapter will be over that I could happily read forever.

By the light of the stars and Sunrifter I hardly know where to start - I have seen so much, felt so much in this wonderful place. But I will not write more now for to do so I risk disturbing a dearest friend at rest and I would not do so for all the wealth in Ethucan

How extraordinary and momentous a day! I know I must write often and do so quickly now; for to forget one single moment would be unthinkable! I received another letter this morning as I awoke and that alone would have been enough to bring this smile to my face - for a dear friend asked me to travel on a long journey with them - and not in a burdened way or in a dutiful sense, but with enthusiasm - though they knew I would be weary and possibly that I might be a burden; though they know my finances are poor; though they knew I could not even provide the means to get there or get back - they still asked me and seemed.....at least I think they did..... pleased when I accepted. And how could I not? The chance to actually go to Ethucan and see the land for myself! To meet the people! To see the sights I have only heard hinted at and fabled in Annia's journals. Indeed I believe my friend had these thoughts in mind too. But, in truth, the simpler pleasure of being wanted and the chance to enjoy their company was as much of a blessing. Then quite unexpectedly I came upon them in Dundee. They placed into my hands a doorway crystal. And by some happy chance or the will of the gods, no sooner had they done so, than the Crier's voice was heard throughout Valorn that the doorway was activated. We raced for the doorway and my friend had me step through first. I was terrified - the complete unknown was almost overwhelming. Yet their tall figure and dark eyes gave me courage, I briefly took their hand, and taking their courage as my own, step through I did.

It was a strange experience - I felt a thrilling rush in my body and was quite disorientated on arrival. It is hard to describe - but a sort of energy seemed to invade me. As if the door itself passed through me as I passed through it. Indeed I was quite dizzy and had hardly drawn breath when to my horror I saw Aurora try and come through. The doorway disintegrated and her body was ripped apart! I can only pray that Cory's life-giving presence pulled her back to Valorn. The horror was almost unbearable! And there was as yet no sign of my friend. I found myself standing in front of four Ethucan guards alone. They were tall and proud and in regal looking garb. I had already placed my rapier in my sheath and was glad of it - for to appear in any way threatening would not have done any good I think. My body was washed with relief when I saw my friend appear. They said it was 'just in time' and it was only when I saw them safe I felt I could actually take in my surroundings! Moving past the guards into a room to the North, we encountered more guards. Certainly the tales of spears and harsh words, and to some extent fear, were naturally in my mind. Yet I did not feel threatened. I felt intimidated certainly, but not threatened. They appeared to be there for our safety rather than to look upon us as a threat. There was a great deal of hospitality and many thoughtful gestures such as comfortable seating (though not like our own areas in the glass building or Dundee theatre) were provided, and even a seller of potions. The potion seller explained that he had plenty and hoped he could fulfil our needs from our journey. My friend whispered to me that perhaps the expensive price indicated a possible shortage. Something to consider indeed. Luckily I am currently provided for and am not in need. Just as well for I found the journey had indeed drained all of my power. As we moved West my eyes could hardly wait to see the new land. And wonders indeed I now know I will see.

Even from this first look around, my eyes are almost swimming with wonder. An exquisitely beautiful park lies to the North of this stonework path that our feet find themselves on, and then to the southwest in the distance I can see two hugely impressive structures, although I cannot yet see clearly what they might be. And to the West such a throng of people gather! I believe this must be a trade centre of some kind. Everything seems so fresh and is wondrous to behold! There is such beauty in this land. Truly the gods have made it, for who else could fashion something so lovely! The Ethucans, I think, must be great engineers and have greatly skilled artisans too or such buildings could not exist. I confess I cannot wait until we are ready to travel further.

Yet we are both tired now, my friend and I, although I think perhaps they rest just to humour me and make me feel less weak. Such is the kindness in their soul. So in this central place - close to the doorway (our link to the land we know) where we can see much and take our time to breathe in the Ethucan air away from inquisitive eyes - I am glad to take my rest. I can see that my friend is resting now. It is an unusual thing to be able to watch someone as they sleep. To really have the time to study their features, note their expression, to see their features soften in unconsciousness. I cannot help but wonder what thoughts go round that head. How I would love to know.

And now I really must sleep - for the journey, as my friend predicted, has indeed taken its toll. I hope I can get some sleep - for I have so much going around my head - so many thoughts and images. When I awake, I will be refreshed and ready to resume this most wonderful adventure - and the company I have to do so makes it all the more marvellous.

I pray the gods may keep us safe from harm, let us see the wonders we may behold here and help us to represent our Queen as she would wish and improve relations in the land. For we sit under the same sky; we hold the same gods dear and surely we all have but one purpose - to defeat the Dark Lord and all the evils he would spit over the land.

Sunrifter rises again. The gods be praised.

The time spent with Jensen was good - it made me assess and reassess and there was something wonderful in being removed from the world to spend time in meditation. Perhaps only when we do so can we truly hear ourselves without the distractions we sometimes allow ourselves to be drawn by. Certainly I felt renewed when I came down from the mountains to train.

It has been so good to help the initiates I have been fortunate enough to cross paths with. There have been many with enthusiasm and one or two who I truly believe will one day be great. So many I once gave some small help to have grown in wisdom and training: To go to them for guidance now seems to bring the circle complete and gives me great joy. It seems to be the embodiment of all the good in the land: Of faith and perseverance, of trust and friendship and, of course, a sign of the gods care and benevolence to us all. Let these things then be our inspiration. Let these things show the person we are. Let our actions and the way we deal with each other be the footprints and impressions we leave behind as we follow our path.

I find my waking hours and my dreams are filled with these kinds of thoughts and with snatches of words that have been addressed to me of late (or at least my interpretations of them). All mixed together to bring a harmony to my soul. And binding it together in gentle swathes of warmth the thought of walking a wider path that is, at least in my mind, as clear as the bright sky. I only hope and pray the gods see fit to let me walk it. In part they already have as it seems I may soon take a trip that was not expected. Blessed indeed.

How beautiful are words - and yet how frightening. For words can be interpreted in so many ways. A word cannot show the expression on the author's face, cannot give the inflection of the voice. Cannot show the way the hands of the author move as they 'say' them. They can let people make what they will of them and the consequences can be terrible. We have been shown that many times. Alliances crushed, offences taken - the Dark Lord laughs at us all when he sees it.

But they can also be taken as...... well - perhaps taken too well. More made of them than was meant. We can weave meanings that we wish were there, but were never there.

And yet sometimes when you read something - your hopes well up and you encompass the words with joy.

More joy then, from some words I have received, than I remember feeling in my life time - and yet I fear I have misinterpreted them....

But I have hope - I have hope thanks to the one who wrote them - so I choose to cling to it a little longer and bathe in that warmth as long as I can.

A quieter day. A reflective day. A day to ponder and realise that as Hojo has advised me - it is easy to get carried away. Would that I could today. Things - people even - are strangely silent. I should be more often... The dark one himself fills my head with doubts!

I have spent a good deal of time in the calm and dignified company of Jensen - the holy man living in his cave in the Western mountains. I stayed out in the open rather longer than I had meant to and stumbled into his dwelling half frozen. He was so very kind to me and I was never so glad as when I saw his small fire pit. The place is surprisingly warm - the animal pelts around the walls must act as insulation. I wonder if he killed the beasts himself.... Should I pass by again, I will leave a pelt or a mountain bear cloak as an offering.

He lives in what many would think an inhospitable place, but it certainly does not seem to have affected his spirits. His healing is a soothing experience and seemed almost more glorious because of the stark difference between the howling winds outside and the humble calm within.

I think he, as I am, must be struck by the beauty of the place.

I wish I was more learned. It would be wonderful to understand the markings on the walls of the hut. That it is a shrine is obvious, but I would so like to interpret them.

I am ashamed to say I dozed off for a while in that comfortable place and I was so embarassed upon waking that I would not dream of asking the holy man if he knew their meaning! Perhaps Purazon might know - he is so very book learned. The monks who raised him must have been wonderful men. To have produced such a man and greatly learned with it. I will ask him - if I see him ..... and if he has time of course.

Sunrifter broke my dreams this morning - playing with me as I stirred - and yet I believe even His warm rays and brightness cannot match the smile I woke with.

Brief moments - how beautiful!

Like Sunrifter suddenly found bursting through the drab leafy canopy.

Brief words - how comforting!

Like huge drops of rain quenching the desert’s thirsty soil at the height of day.

One smile - how absorbing:

Like when a book, or piece of the land’s natural art, almost moves the soul to tears.

A parting - how sweetly painful.

Like placing one’s heart against the frozen waterfall in the mountains.

Sleep filled dreams:

A gift; and one as beautiful as the one who gave it, or rare gold silkspun clothing.

Anticipation:

Delicious as Ethucian wine against parched lips and the means to see another day.

I haunt the wastelands and the deserted mines like some sort of ghost at present. I do not know what is the matter with me - I should not be downhearted - my training has advanced at an almost frightening pace and the gods be praised for it. I have my dearest family to share my thoughts with and no one has been unkind to me - on the contrary....

And yet I am not satisfied.

In one way it is good that my footsteps wear a weary path throughout the wastelands: Quite apart from ridding the place of as many foul creatures as my rapier will allow, I know I must try and save some coin for new armour and weapons. It is always the same though - whenever I have some, it is soon spent with one of the potion masters. Healing and giving blessings takes so much energy. However, this is not a reason to complain either. Nothing would be of value if it fell from the skies for free; although I fear there are some who would be very glad of that and not worry their soul over it.

I have been privileged indeed to meet and help several initiates of late too. Poor Jael - still awaiting her sponsor the last time I saw her. I feel for her - her longing to join the clerical profession runs very deep. I know that when she finally visits the temple her joy will be equally deep and the land will have gained someone who will make a fine cleric indeed. Some, like Donovan I have watched and helped and seen grow into their profession. I think about them often and pray for their endeavours.

Then I see my own guildmates ploughing on relentlessly working towards their next time with the trainer. Jake and I often seem to cross paths - we have been of a similar level of skill for some time. His warrior ways do make me smile! He is so full of bounce and go - he is exhausting to be with but I would not wish to see him any other way! It would not be Jake! Then Richard - poor Richard who now seems to consider having to baby-sit me and dig me out of holes as his personal amusement and, more likely, millstone around his neck! He is so knowledgeable of the lands. And like other wayfarers so generous with his knowledge! I wonder if many really appreciate that kind of help. Between this learned knowledge and Korba's maps, our family is lucky indeed.

Then there is dear Purazon.

I know he is training hard. Where he finds the time astonishes me. Never was there someone more patient and kind with those new to the land - long hours I have seen him nurturing and teaching, or just being supportive. His courage and loyalty to the Queen and the duties of his order also lie with him. My thoughts are often, very often in truth, with him. The gods seem to conspire against my ever finishing reading Annia's journals with him. I know I long to.... I miss his company. An Iron Knight has other things to do however than humour selfish girls!

Well - enough of rest and contemplation. It does not do..... Bend your thoughts elsewhere Vardian and invest your energy in your rapier.

Good advice if I can only follow it...

A new shield, new armour and new boots. Quite a day!

I spent much time helping initiates and I confess I found it exhausting - but a cleric's life I chose and I am glad of it.

I long to get back to my books...

I can see that there will be much training to do before I can freely roam the mountains. Although I was badly wounded and exhausted at the end of yesterday, it was still absolutely exhilarating to finally get so close to fabled places. The mountain ravines high in the Eastern mountains are precarious indeed! The centaurs guarding those high places are vicious with the strength of many - or so it seemed! The pass itself was breathtaking - almost dizzying - so narrow, so very high, so very dangerous! To come across the great closed doors that I have come to realise I will not be able to overcome for quite some time were awe-inspiring. Such great feats in such a place! The engineering astounds me. To do little more than survive there would be a challenge, and yet those who have gone before achieved such a thing! It inspires me. I wonder how the materials for such a project could be got there.... however it was achieved, it is a stunning reminder that we can do anything if we put our minds to it.

The danger aside, and the panic from slipping steps, the view from that place was spectacular! The mountains are wonderful indeed. The wind was icy and blasted against me, yet I was still pleased to finally be there. It came to pass though that the bears and centaurs roaming there were far too strong for me and it was not long before, by the grace of the gods, I was back in Branishor.

And then the mines - Richard went and vanquished one of the creatures in the depths that had overpowered me and as soon as I could I rushed to join him only to cause him yet more inconvenience. He is a patient brother indeed. We came so close to defeating the alabaster creature in the bowels of the earth - but not having the right armour meant both of us perished. I will not take that chance again. It is unfair.

My guildmates then pointed me towards midnight beach. I have still to learn what the princess in the Ogre village had to say to me all that time ago. It has preyed on my unconscious mind for some time. I knew I must defeat a pirate to wrestle a parchment from him to put me further on my quest. What the mountains showed me in stature, the beach showed me in sheer size. I have never in my life seen such an expanse of land...... the desert north of Milltown is nothing in comparison! It could fit many times on the beach. I have travelled all corners of it, this way and that, and know it like the back of my hand. But for marcs and marcs of travelling over the arduous sands of the beach I have yet to reach the far side of it. I will go back - but not until I can protect myself properly. Dear Topaz has gifted me a large sum which, if I sell my partial plate at a good price, brings me almost with my savings to what I need to buy something more suitable.

More training....

I was careless today - I allowed myself a false bravery and fought many creatures stronger than myself which eventually, of course, curtailled my training. That left me time for thoughts.

I have already written in my journal once today - and yet I have so many words wanting to spill out. I need to try to work out what it is I want. In truth, I know. But perhaps writing things down will make things clearer to me. It is an intolerable hope I have in me. The past is gone - I cannot, surely I cannot, be punished for moving on? The past will always be with me - and also with him - of course it will. When you lose someone you love, they will always be there. If they were not, then you did not love at all. So many, many, many long Valornian years I limped on in mere existence. And yet, now I feel life again, I feel doubt. I cannot quite put my hand upon it. What I hope to have, and what I already have, feels wonderful; but the hope, instead of lifting me up, is beginning to taste bitter sweet. By the gods life can be very cruel. Why him? Why not some other one in the land. I am not worthy to even presume to have such a hope. But the fact is I cannot help having it. It is not a hope through forethought or malice, it is just there. As much as the air I breathe. Yes, writing is helping. I feel stronger - less....guilty. My past has made me strong. I can bear this unattainable hope as I would never have been able to when I was younger and untouched by such things. It is not wrong to feel....like this. Just very sad I suppose. And yet - and yet - it refuses to lay down and die! If it were so utterly unattainable, surely by now that little wink of hope would have been snuffed out. No it has not, nor will it. So EXACTLY what is this hope....


ψסψסψסψסψ


Hope - that thing that someone wants, and at the moment of 'hope' they do not have.

But what is hope truly? It could be many things.

If hope were a feeling then - I hope - it is one of honesty and integrity, and what greater hope could there be than to find it being love and empathy.

If hope were a food, it would be good food of the lands - I hope - and filled with nourishment. It would give strength and life.

If hope were music then I hope it is the kind of music that you best love to hear.
Sweet notes to soothe and calm you and carry you to peaceful, blissful joy.
If hope were a sound, I would hope it would by a delicate, crashing symphony of love.

If hope were belief, then - I would hope - it would be the belief that what you do is right, your path correct. No questions in your mind over that.
If hope were knowledge then it would - I hope - have patience, understanding and an unquenchable thirst.
It would continue to learn by experience and would teach those around it.

If hope could be seen what dare I hope? That it could be seen as clear as those deep eyes in that dear face.

If hope were a wish, I would hope that all your dreams, your hopes, your wants, your needs and ambitions came true.

If hope were you...if hope were me, I would hope, we never lost sight of the gods and the Queen and the need to help each other, care for each other, love each other.

If at my solitary rest I sit and dark thoughts weave themselves around my soul.
If there are no beautiful dreams and I listen to the thought that hope might be deceiving me.
If the flowers of my heart refuse to bloom and the buds look shrivelled as though petrified with cold.
Sweetest hope, that unknown healing balm - I hope - will come to me and weave enchanters' spells.

When I wander through the lonely places of the lands, or when the dark boughs of the forest's trees shut out the light.
Should courage fail me and leave me frightened and then be driving any sweetness of spirit I may have away,
Please - I hope - let hope shine through and part the leaves above my head letting you shine down.
For surely then what I have hoped has become.

Should I let disappointment and doubt close my eyes to what might be.
If , like a cloud, the Dark One sits upon the air ready to let loose his weapon on my heart.
Please dear hope - I hope - come down and crush this evil, morbid fear - let it disappear like dew on the grass.

Whenever your dear self (and others I hold dear) seem fearful, or with sorrow, let me be within your bright hope.
Let me be able - I hope - to comfort you as you have me and to heal your pain and shame and blame.
To come to your thoughts - I hope - in the long, dark night as welcome as clean air, a refreshing draft or dreams.

I hope - that you hope. I hope - that you dream.
But most of all - oh by the gods! - I hope your hope be me.

ψסψסψסψסψ


Since writing the above I have sat many long marcs. Just sat quietly. Ah yes, this has helped. I am absolutely certain now of what I want, what I dream of, what I hope for - even if it is no nearer. And that, I suppose, is a comfort in itself. I will not allow myself the luxury of wallowing in some kind of self-pitying pining - I did enough of that before. And that, I know, cannot ever help. I will never be brave enough to push, nor would I want to. Nothing if not by their wish too and their instigation.

I am brave enough to hope though - and that's a start.

What a fascinating place Valorn is. When training has taken a hold and the monotony is beginning to get to you, suddenly the trainer calls you and a whole new world is opened up. I found the Mines to the East of Branishor today and cannot help but feel a melancholy for those who were once there.

It is a place where honest men did hard work. I could almost feel their souls calling to me. The evidence of their every day existence made me so sad. They ate together, worked together, prepared meals together.... and now there is chaos and ruin and the gremlins that have taken a hold of the place have utterly destroyed everything to the last stick of furniture with no reason or gain to be had. It is the mindless destruciton I cannot bear.

I believe the miners must have been a simple people, not wealthy, by the things that the gremlins have taken from them. Silver rings and the simplest of armours and weapons. No gold or finery. Sadly these things were not enough to protect them or enable them to save themselves. I will take them and pass them on to the initiates in Dundee. At least they will have some use....

Dark secrets lie beneath the Eastern mountains.... I did not venture far and yet came across monsters of obsidian and granite! It would seem the Dark Lord has commanded even the very rocks and stones. They have oozed thorugh the tunnels the miners unwittingly dug and made a strong hold. It is a dangerous place and yet I felt I must return even after the fist of one slammed me into the wall and sucked the life from me. I must have patience and wait until I am strong enough.

Our dear scholar Dirk gave me directions to Alitian - somewhere I have been most desirous to see - it is a place of the mountains and I want to crawl all over them and learn their places and ways. He warned me it might be too dangerous and indeed it was. I shall not forget that first encounter with a greater mountain bear.... the kindness of my brothers and sisters is something that never ceases to amaze me. Never too busy, never unwilling to travel halfway across the lands to come to your aid, or to offer advice and share knowledge. How very, very lucky I am to have them. I love them all. I have discovered they have a sweet tooth too and will endeavour to continue to make them confections, the art of which was handed down to me by my maternal grandmother in my homeland.

And so to rest again - the training wall has been broken for a short while - it will not be long before I feel the need to bury myself again. The mind cannot be switched off and become inactive although the body surely must now and then. So, therefore, I will give my body just long enough and then run the gauntlet of my mind once more.

Oh to just sit and read a good book in the fresh mountain air...

I love my past.
I love my present.
I’m not ashamed of what I’ve had,
I’m not sad because I have it no longer.
I pray for my future...
That I may love my future.
And that the dream I hold for it
May be flesh and blood.

Training has overtaken my mind - I am certain of it! I found it so hard to wind down enough to relax and rest at all last night. But patience and coaxing made it happen….I was so glad I did - so very glad.

I started off the day as always (well - it seems so at present! with my legs dragging me almost as in a dream towards the anthill. It is a place that I have learned to loathe and love almost at the same time. Well - perhaps love is a stupid word to use: Indeed of course it is (I would save that for other things) - but I do want to go there. Unless I do how can I train again? And if I cannot train again, or at least be striving for it, what is there to occupy my mind? Too much. Therefore I will train. But what a place to train. Loathsome in every way - and that is the correct word!

My body is covered in bites and the itching is unbearable. I even resorted to trying to apply some of the oil I purchased for the care of my weapon - a mistake. The smell was horrible and it burned like fire. Nothing to do then but endure it. Kouzan says pain is the best lesson - I wish I knew what I was learning! I understand well the pain of returning un-bid to the life monument….Patience! Humility! I am striving to know both but it is hard. The wretched place is so confusing. Everywhere looks the same. I think I recognise a particularly long tunnel or pattern of twists and turns only to find myself face to face with warrior ants which I confess terrify me. Jake feels they must have become aware of Richard’s movements and this is causing more warriors than usual to patrol the outer tunnels. He could be right: Richard is indeed the scourge of that race and a good thing to! The thought of their numbers growing to the point where they could attack the towns for food (and Richard thinks it possible despite his attempts at keeping their mortality rate high) is too abhorrent to think about. There is a comfort to be had though to know that Jake is down there too and that Richard is usually present somewhere - it feels less lonely.

Less lonely too the time away from training. As much as I would keep going for all the marcs in a day, no-one’s body is strong enough to do so for many days. All must rest at some time. I used to dread my time at rest: Now sometimes I can relax and in truth, just sometime, I long for it and the company I can keep... Shadows have given way to light and emptiness to pleasant dreams. Last night I dreamed of the Eastern Mountains. Some would say desolate, I do not see that. Cold and forbidding - yes at times, and yet so magically beautiful and wearing their own cloak of sparkling wonder. I see the very foundation of the lands: The strength and watchful constancy. To know that all the lands stretch out below your feet….sometimes it seems I feel a part of the very earth I stand upon. If you stand still enough you could swear the land drew breath and had a heartbeat of its own. I hope to know them better. I very much want to. I do not know well their sister in the West - the creatures are too strong for me to travel far….. but I am training……I will be…..I want to share those places in the lands and the love I feel for them.