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The Heart of Shadows
Tuesday, 28 October 2014
Why do I feel so empty, what is it that I am searching for and why is it that anger rises so quickly from within, spilling out through reckless words and petty cruelty. Am I petty? Regrettably so…yes I cannot deny it, it’s not a constant thing but unfortunately it is undeniably there. What I did…no…how I did it is inexcusable, she didn’t deserve it, not like that, not ever.

I will have to apologize; petty jealousy, to think I could sink so low.

Jealousy for what I might ask? Because she has moved on? No, we are not that to each other anymore, though I think we will always care and even love one another. No, I want her to be happy, she deserves it. Is it who she chose?…Maybe…yes, maybe…of all the people she could have fallen for she chose one who had hurt me and so by doing so hurt me as well.

Now that is conceited and arrogant, she has the right to choose and love who she will…petty….so very petty.

I hate self-examinations, delving through ones conscience like a dirty laundry basket, yet if I don’t do it then I must let others be the judge of me, if I will not be my own mirror then I must become one who seeks their reflection in the eyes of another and I will never give such power over myself away. So no…I must look within as untasteful as it is. If I will not be chained by the ideals and judgement of others then I have to answer to myself. Hmmmm I am susceptible to bribery… …does self-bribery even work?

So how do I say sorry?

“ Hey, great to see you, sorry I was such a total ass hat and sorry for hurting you because I seriously didn’t mean to.”

Well that’s just a lie straight up, because obviously I meant to do it or it wouldn’t have happened. I was cruel, and mean…I hurt her and there is no forgiveness for that, well no…I didn’t intentionally mean to do that…No…Yes I did mean it, I did, I purposely worded it so as to entrap her and then stabbed her with my words, whether the details were true or not, the delivery was done to wound. I have betrayed her! I have betrayed her trust, a person let me within their inner self and I cut her. Gods! By the Darkness ,What have I done?

There is no forgiveness to this, I should know…have I ever forgiven those who did it to me…have I forgiven the one she chose? No I bloody haven’t!
I am ashamed; truly ashamed…people are right to call me Fool and Traitor, not by their meaning but by my own!

So how do I fix this? Sitting here writing my own pity party obviously is not the answer and apologies are a waste of time, they are just a means for the guilty to try and make their victims ease their own sense of guilt and shame. It makes them feel better but does nothing to ease the pain and suffering of those they wronged.

I don’t have the wisdom to see the way past this, I can face her and admit my shame and express my regret…isn’t that what an apology is?...Useless and self-serving!. How do I atone for this? How? Who can I ask? When one makes of themselves an Island there aren’t that many to turn to…which makes my actions even worse…so much worse.

This pity party requires cake.

And what of Red?

Here I am raking myself across the coals over my thoughtless and petty actions towards a cherished friend and I didn’t even hug her on her return, touch her, kiss her. Instead I gave her the flip side of my tongue. I am taking the woman I love, the woman who loves me, for granted…I am not a fool…I am a Damned Fool!
When was the last time I took her out, since I made time for her? Made time? Made time? I have to “make time” for my bonded? She deserves better than this, she deserves laughter and joy and love without doubt or question. When did I become so lost?

I keep the world at bay with harsh words and unbreakable walls…which admittedly is fine for me….but I am also hurting and pushing away those I love. Why? Why?
I did it to the waif as well though that really was unintended and was not what I meant to do, but still.

When you keep making the same mistakes over and over again…they really aren’t mistakes, but choices.

The waif is right…I am damaged, damaged and broken beyond even my own ken.

I don’t know how to fix this, to fix me.

I don’t know if I can

Or even if I want to.

Is that why the door calls so? Do I seek oblivion?

» Seragil Shadowsong posted @ 06:57 »»» - Link - comments (1)