I was reading through my journal this morning and realized just how many pages I have filled with my thoughts, recollections of my deeds, and events in my life. Its most strange to read back through the time archived here. The life of a single man, and in part, all of those that have touched me. My guild has grown and changed considerably since I joined. It is amazing to see the difference, but we are livelier than every and preparing to build an addition to our all once more. But its not the change in the guild that is most noted, it is the changes in myself. I was so... single minded when I first began writing this journal. I was destined to be a warrior and felt that honor on the battlefield and glory through courageous deeds will fill my life with all that I could ever hope for. Then... I discovered love. That four letter word that gets under your skin like nothing else. I pursued Haleth with dedicated single mindedness. She was a mystery to be solved and I wanted to know more, always more. Just as I was telling Fleur recently, I always always get what I want. One way or another... patience is one of my strongest suits, I will wait out just about any challenge until timing is suitably in my favor, if I need to. I am not afraid to reach for what I want, to ... as one put it... 'offer myself to the alter of fate' to achieve my goals. So, it was Haleth I wanted, Haleth I loved and Haleth was mine in the end. She never really stood a fair chance, but I do really like to think I made her very happy. Our life together was often filled with strained absences and near missed opportunities to see each other, but there was happiness, love, and there will always be memories.
I think that was the first change. Then when she
I dont like completing that sentence. I never have.
Then there was Daisy. Such purity and brightness. She looked to me as her protector and mentor. We became so close, so quickly that it sometimes baffles me. I have never, and I am certain that I will never, know another like her. She showed me the youthful strength of the heart. She loved me past my pain and I found myself falling in love again. There was something captivating about Daisy that I just cant explain. There still is. I cant deny that, but for all the hope, tenderness, understanding, and love that she gave me... for all that she showed me what it could be like to be whole again... I was, perhaps, wrong in my caging of her as mine. Maybe thats not quite the right way to say it. I am certain we were meant to be together. I am certain that I needed her in my life, and I still do, just differently now. I am sure that we were destined to be together - for very certain reasons. I know what many thought about our relationship in the beginning and I protested with every breath in me that they were wrong... and I am in no way saying they were right either. They simply had no way of understanding or knowing... or ever seeing my private struggles with grief and despair, and trying to find my way back to being myself again. I guess pain and my own unhappiness are not things I have ever been very good at expressing or dealing with. It was Daisy, and at times Fleur, that I leaned on. I know my friends offered and I talked with a few of them; but I cant turn myself inside out for just anyone - I found myself easily doing just that with Daisy. Even my journal was woefully neglected. And... so it was with Daisy. I think we both learned a lot more than we could have ever imagined and letting her go is going to hurt for a very long time. But I know in the end, what I did was right and for all the promises I made, the most important was to love her. And I do love her more than myself, so all my selfishness aside... Daisies deserve their time in the sunlight, not in hidden away from the world under a shadow.

So, here I am. I dont regret my decision. I wont be wallowing in self pity and no one will ever find me stropping about the towns or glowering spitefully at happy couples. I think maybe Destiny has had a plan for me all along. Maybe my path has been winding its way through the usual ups and downs, twists and turns, even a few backtracking places... only to test me, teach me, prepare me for where I am today. Yes, I am rather certain that is it. Everything that happens, happens for a reason... and usually that reason to take you to the place you need to be. So, looking back through all of the pages - one coming before another for the very same reason that Sunrifter must set before it may rise again, bringing each new day in its sequence - I realize the greatest lesson you can ever learn is to love and be love in return.