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Lavender
Lavender

A beautifully bound leather book the ornate and gold-edging decorating this journals outer covering looks to be from another time and place. Several pages are stuffed inside the book as if she will not write on the actual book. Upon opening, the first added page reads... These are the personal accounts and wanderings of Lavender Cecilia Morgan.


Wednesday, 28 October 2020
Last turn was a lot of fun, hanging out with friend telling of this seasons Fall Festival events just past that they missed, then low and behold I feel a heaviness in my pack, the crown of munificence has returned to me. Not sure what I did to attract it's attention but I am humbled by its presence.. and if not just a little embarrassed when IT proclaims my "un-jerkness" to all of Valorn. Though I am in awe and also humbled by the responses from friends, some who automatically want to come to my defence wanting to know who called me a jerk that would warrent the crier to proclaim otherwise, causing me to point out it is the crown that does it. Others who notice the crown laugh and tell me they think the crown is right... Yet, my own conscience wonders if I truly deserve this with some of the things I've done in the past, people I've hurt unintentionally. Habits of doubting myself are hard to break. But on the positive side a good friend has been awake, showing me around what I hope will be my new home. Who knows what the future holds, but for the first time in a long time, I am actually hopeful.
Lavender 07:01 - Link - comments

Sunday, 25 October 2020
I think I got the absolute perfect costume for me this year! A squirrel, because everyone knows I am nuts!
Lavender 16:18 - Link - comments

Sunday, 18 October 2020
I realize part of my problem, I know I am pretty, and I am strong. But every time I hear someone say they are glad they have someone so strong, or beautiful.. it turns me away. I want to mean something more to someone then just being a pretty face, and so far in my experience only one has done that. Perhaps that is why I think of him often and compare others to him. He saw me as more, even if I am flawed personality wise.
Lavender 20:50 - Link - comments

Tuesday, 13 October 2020
I have come to realize that while I do not want to be alone, I will never be or have a bondmate. The sad reality is that I have no true concept of what it means or is to BE someone's bondmate in this world. What one is expected to do, how one is expected to act, because how I was raised is so different then here. Where I was raised a woman is expected to run her bondmates household, make sure things are in proper order, make sure the servants did their duties, make sure things are always tidy, and if there are children, make sure they are trained, taught their roles as they were expected in that world. The woman there is, basically a glorified personal servant of her bondmate, tend to his needs, his desires above their own. Be arm ornament at parties, well behaved, organized, and pretty so as not to embarrass your bondmate. A woman there could be replaced, or beheaded if she were to disobey. And if you were not pretty enough for that, you were put with an older man to look after him until he passed, then you could finally do as you wished. Women here have so much more freedom, and while that is great, I've no concept, no example of how that actually WORKS, what one actually does in a relationship? And to be honest, that scares me. So when faced with it, I turn to the only things I do KNOW in THIS world, my magic, helping others, farming, and protecting the lands. Because that is all I am good at here. So I guess, I resign myself to being alone.
Lavender 22:04 - Link - comments

Monday, 12 October 2020
How does one let go of feelings for someone who was the best person you have ever known or loved in your life? The one who taught you about the type of person you want to try to be. I know things will never go back to what it once was, and to be honest, I don't want it to.. I want something more. I have a lot to learn, I know this. And, I know I need to try to not be so stubborn. Every time I think I have moved on, I go along believing I am just fine, then like a bos hits me in the chest, those memories and feelings come back again when I am feeling vulnerable, and alone. And it makes me realize I may never be able to do so. I've lost so much due to my own stubbornness, and pride, sometimes it hurts so bad I wish I had never come to Valorn in the first place. But, I also know, I wouldn't erase it for anything in the world. People say time heals all wounds, they also say someone else will eventually come along and make the past just that, the past, and a memory. Yet, after all this time I can't help feel like their words are only fairytales. Such is my life... a fairytale. But not the happily ever after kind... the I will survive through it all kind. That is all I can aspire to do, and I will.
Lavender 11:19 - Link - comments

Saturday, 10 October 2020
I hate when I have to tie myself to a different monument to help make clearing those zombies a bit easier. I get SO sea sick every time I have to ride the ferry back to Killican to retie myself back to the Life Monument there. Perhaps that is another reason why I am glad to be an enchanter, I rarely have to ride the ferry.. So odd to love the sea, the smell, the sound, the way the rifter makes the water sparkle... yet crossing it's waves over to the island of Killican, well.. lets just say I don't look good green.
Lavender 17:56 - Link - comments

Sunday, 04 October 2020
Why do I fall for men who are around so little they might as well be figments of my imagination? Honestly, I think imaginary men would actually be around more then they are!!!
Lavender 21:13 - Link - comments