A beautifully bound leather book the ornate and gold-edging decorating this journals outer covering looks to be from another time and place. Several pages are stuffed inside the book as if she will not write on the actual book. Upon opening, the first added page reads... These are the personal accounts and wanderings of Lavender Cecilia Morgan.
Tuesday, 23 April 2019
Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Why I even exist any more. Seems like every time I TRY and do something right I inevitably mess it all up. Ended up hurting a friend, got accused of trying to sabotage their happiness, which couldn't be more wrong. I know what it is like to be lonely, I know what it is like to feel like you may never find someone who makes you smile, laugh, or just feel... important again. So why would I purposely hinder someone else having that? I envy them, yes. But not to the point of trying to take it away from them. Sometimes I wish, I never came to Valorn, maybe I could have figured things out where I was. But, I know I would have died there, and not the kind of death adventures know, but one as a villager would know. But even then... sometimes I feel as if I am dying here too, a little at a time. Seems every time I am around people I make things worse for them. Makes stronger my belief I am better off alone.
Lavender 21:57 - Link
Saturday, 13 April 2019
Been a long time since I've been able to put ink to my thoughts, nice to do so again. Not much has happened to me anyway. Life goes on much the same. Still as alone as I've been, still having found no one who touches my heart. I guess I've become so use to it I seem unapproachable now to people. Though I've gotten to where I don't care anyway, most who try to catch my attention are children and I want someone who can stand beside me, not an idol worshiper. Sometimes I wonder if that is wanting too much. But I would rather be alone then with someone I can't have a conversation with because they simply agree with what I say, because I say it. I find I truly am better off alone, and I have made peace with it. But my smile comes naturally now which is nice to find joy again.
Lavender 20:13 - Link