The former leaders of the guild I am in have returned and I willingly gave up leadership back to it's rightful place. I didn't mind being leader, but I am relived to go back to being a simple member. It was a learning experience, one I don't regret. I am not sure leadership is for me, or at least, it would have been better if I had known rules I didn't know when I became leader. seems I made some mistakes. It happens so it is what it is, and now I can learn from others.

I did forget to write, Scales took me out on a beautiful picnic for our anniversary. We've been together over a year now, a whole year.. it really doesn't seem like it's been that long. Yet, I've never been happier! No anxieties holding me back, no feeling like I am not enough, no feeling like I have to be the strong one, because we are equals. No overwhelming need to run. Just peace and happiness. I swear several years back if anyone had told me I would be a guild leader, fall in love, and decide to train as high as I could again. I might have thought they were crazy. But, we really never know what life will bring our way. I look forward to many more years with my handsome rogue.

Life has been so hectic what with raids happening again that I forgot to write that my Scales and I did make it to our final level of training! I can't believe something I never thought I would do, I did because of him. The staff he gave me as a Non-Day gift is absolutely amazing, stunning, and so... Me! In between raids we have took a trip to Aldwyth's Landing to look around and found fighting there still tough even as trained as we are. So we took a rest in a park there, the whole place is so gloomy except for that park... It was stunning and peaceful, it really was a wonderful that the inhabitants of the place didn't just camp out at the park where it is brighter. But at the same time as one who can understand how the gloom can consume you, perhaps they've forgotten it is there. Roseden seems to think the park would be good for a bonding, and I have to agree it really would be.. perhaps one day. And on another note on the raids; seems the adventures of the lands have grown lax in the protocol of the Iron Order, myself included. With raids happening so much and so many places at once, I know for me it is distracting, and in the chaos of trying to help everyone everywhere, I have forgotten to report like I should have. I shall have to work on this. Goodness my thoughts are bouncing around in my skull somewhat scattered but yet all happening at once.. much like the raids I suppose, and I can tell my writing is reflecting the scatteredness. Anyways now that I've gotten some of the thoughts out of my head and onto the parchment in my journal, perhaps I can rest again.

My Scales is so the sweetest to me. He had the chance to create something awesome for himself, and instead what did he do? He created something for me instead! I am sad I can not use it right away, but.. that gives me an excuse to actually train again! Scales and I will probably train some together! If... I don't rush through in my excited haste to use what he gifted me! It's so beautiful and so fits my style. I can not wait to be able to use it! I can't believe, actually yes I can believe he did that! He's so amazing, I am blessed to have him in my life.

Oh what a winters warming treat, I was exchanging gifts with my friend Draca and filling him in a little of what he's missed while traveling, and what do I find but the Crown of Munificence settling it's self upon my head! Draca simply beamed at me. And with the crown comes the crier occasionally proclaiming that I am not a jerk... Seems about every other time someone messages me afterwards either confirming that they think I am not a jerk, or they are outraged on my behalf thinking someone indeed called me such. I am certain, there are times in my past that I can think of that I could have been seen as a jerk.. or at least in my own mind. And I feel guilty about those, but nothing can be done but try and be better, most of the time I do ever try to be kind. Regardless I shall enjoy the presence of the fickle crown while I can, as well as enjoy my favorite season! As well as enjoy every time I see my lovely Scales. I love him so.

It is Winters Warming time again, my favorite time of year. Everything covered in snow so sparkling white, so pure looking. Until you meet a snowman trying to give you frostbite. This turn has been a dream come true for me. To spend time during my favorite season, in the warm embrace of someone I love, and to know I will get to see many more of these days in the future, just fills my heart with joy. My Scales has ended my curse of loneliness, and filled my life with light, love, and so much happiness. I look forward to the future with him.

Sitting around being bored this turn and a thought came to mind that I simply thought I would write down. ~ Life happens, people change. Friends, enemies, acquaintances, even you... or in this case me, I change. It can be good or bad, but in most instances it is neither good, nor bad, it simply is.

It is mine and Roseden's first holiday together, but our first thing to do was not holiday related. But now he has a new mask that will keep him even more protected and I am happy about that... though I don't like not seeing his handsome face. I was happy to be able to help him in getting the item. I've done that trip a few times now and as long as I grab a healer it has gotten pretty routine. But to help someone you have fallen in love with, is even better. Yes I said it, I am in love with him, and I couldn't be happier!

It is certainly something when a friend who has known you... forever comments on the fact that despite the fact that they are not always around, when they are they notice a difference in you. A good difference. He says I am smiling more. He said I seem happier, and I am. I truly am! I don't think I have ever been this content, this at peace. He gave that to me, he is my shelter and rock in the storms of my mind and life. He makes me happy even when he isn't home. No anxiety, no fear... just joy. I, do believe I might be in love... but it might be too soon to say that.

I am so happy this turn... He's come home. He came and found me in my guild as soon as he came home.. only to have to send me a message because I was not home. But as soon as I knew where he was I admit I didn't walk, I ran home. I was so happy to see him, he told me about his trip. I told him about what's been going on here and how different this experience was for me. I told him about all the times I've had trouble with the one I was with being away and it giving me anxiety that I couldn't control or understand... But that I didn't experience it this time. I guess it is because a part of me was sure he would come home to me. We both agree we look forward to what the future holds. It's not often I am hopeful for the future, but he makes me hopeful.

It is sad when something you created, something that was your idea is no longer yours. It's like losing your child to a stranger. I want to yell at the world, I want to cry, yet.. I made a choice.. After all this time, losing that is now the only thing that I regret. Trying to come up with something new, something that is totally mine. Hopefully it will fill the void this loss has left.

My best friends know me far too well, this time it was Lillya. It is amazing really, all I usually have to do is say hi and she knows if I am happy, or if something is bothering me. Usually she will look at me and tell me to spill. I can't help but laugh at how well she really does know my moods. She was the first person my Scales and I told about us, she approved by the way. When she told me to spill I told her I missed him, but that for the first time in... ever, the missing someone didn't cause me anxiety, didn't make my heart race and panic because I hadn't seen their face or heard from them in a certain amount of time. I asked her if she though that means something? She says it does, she said it means a whole lot, that this is different. I like that, that this is different, or perhaps I am...Either way I am still at peace with my decision. And to be so, for this long has never happened to me in my life.

Life is interesting sometimes. I have nobility back, but not of my doing.. I'm not complaining though. I talked to Zarock again, he's finally returned. But alas.. my heart belongs fully to another, another that doesn't yet know if he's going to stay either... Yet.. my heart has made peace with my decision to wait for him, I don't know if we will have a chance. But I dream of it, the bracelet on my wrist reminds me he is never far from my thoughts. And I haven't had to write and burn my thoughts in quite a while. I always have agonized over my decision, but this time it must be right because I am at peace with it. I will wait for my Scales and see where life may lead.

I've decided to give up the life of nobility for a while. I have a little while to get use to this as I already paid my taxes for this cycle. Those I love sleep all the time, I find myself sleeping more too, because why wake? When I do find myself with people there is enough bickering to make my head hurt. The people of Valorn are not as friendly as they once were, everyone keeps to themselves now. I try to engage those I see. But there are a few I don't care to see now. Perhaps I just grow tired of this life. I stay for my guild, and for my Scales. If I did not have them... I can't say that I would have anything to keep me waking at all. To me, the life that kept people in the lands, the comradery we once had.. is as dead as the demon lord. There just doesn't seem to be a point to it now, there is nothing worth fighting for.

I find my mood much lifted this turn. A letter from my Scales finally found its way to me. I admit between promoting an officer and his giving me people to look into as possible bunnies, I've been quite down. Scales vanished from the lands much like so many have before, I honestly thought he had fallen the way of the curse that plagues me, not a real curse just seems that way. Anyway apparently he left a note for me when he left about a cycle or two ago, and I suppose the wind caught it and it must have gotten caught on a branch in the hammock tree where I simply did not see it. I've seen the little bird fluttering about but, it's a tree... Not so unusual to see birds. But I am guessing from the little hole marks and the ripped edge of the letter it got caught in the tree and my Scales messenger bird just finally got it unstuck. I was so relieved, and my spirits renewed to know he did indeed think of me before heading off. And now I know how to get a hold of him. I quickly sent reply so he didn't think I'd forgotten him, or that I didn't care. I miss him so, but I find myself smiling and humming happily again.

This turn sadness overwhelms me. I thought I had a connection to someone, but as seems prevalent in my life as soon as I was hopeful to have someone in my life that I could fall for.. he vanished from my life. It's just over a cycle since I have seen his face and I miss him so much. I want no other but him, and I hope he returns to the lands.

Created another song tonight for the Crow Auditions. I had originally signed up then withdrawn... never signed up again because I was drawing a blank on something to write. It is amazing how listening to others can inspire you. So I literally made this off the top of my head (usually my best work). And they loved it, some even cried! I probably shouldn't share so it could be used later... Oh well I will make something new then!

The song I auditioned with:

Misty morning chilling abode
make me wish for warm arms to hold
Blazing light of noon days might,
finds me dreaming of you
Setting light before the night
brings desire of one so dear
Stunning stars blinking above
on each have I wished to see my love.
Anytime day or night
I long for the sound or sight
of one in slumber so deep..
Oh love my heart you keep.

Think I will call it: Missing You.

It's been half a cycle since I have seen or heard from my Scales. What seemed so sweet, so pure... it is hard to not blame myself for them disappearing like so many before them have. Been using the way I was shown to relieve my anxiety and some turns it works, others not so much. And I know to many half a cycle is not long. And there are times it isn't. And then there are times it feels like a lifetime.

I got to see Jobe and Lillya today, it makes my heart glad to see them. I get to see Lillya way more than I get to see Jobe. It did me well to see them. I can always count on any one of my three best friends to cheer me up or make me laugh regardless when they are around. I am forever grateful to have Jobe, Lillya, and Akassa in my life. I am a mess... without the three of them I would be so much worse off than I am, not even sure I would still be in the lands has it not been for the three of them seeing me through every tough time in my life since I came to Valorn. They mean the world to me.

I was found in a guild hall besides my own, sleeping in the bed Scales left a blanket for me on. And another member came and said he didn't have the guilds permission to do that. I feel so bad, he did something sweet for me, and now he might get in trouble for it? Perhaps I should just stay in my own halls from now on. I hate confrontation unless absolutely necessary and a blanket is such a small thing and not something worth fighting over. I know he cares for me even without it. I fear without him there, I didn't feel particularly welcome. Then the person said something about adding items for ALL who occasionally stay there instead, and leaving my blanket... which I can see causing a huge mess for the guild leader later... all over a blanket? No. The sentiment behind the action was sweet but I am not worth the trouble it will cause for him or his leader later. The person said I was welcome to stay, but at that point it was awkward and I was uncomfortable without my Scales awake to help with his guild kin... So I just went back to my own halls.

You know I look back and I have to shake my head at myself. There was SO very long that I thought I would never get over my first love. Even he got tired of me moping after him. I didn't WANT to feel the way I did. But I can honestly say looking back that are there things I would have changed then, yes. Would I be who I am now if I had, no. I regret only that I lost a friend, but at the same time, what is done is done. I am in a much better place now, and I've found someone that makes me feel free, feel loved, feel like I have found home. And that is all I have ever wanted. I have seen him around Valorn SO many times, I remember helping him with raids, (Back when raids were a thing) I remember passing him while shopping so many times and never had we stopped and really talked until recently. But, then I suppose if we had even then the timing wouldn't have been right for either of us. I know I had a lot of growing to do, he said he did too. But what matters is we found each other. And I adore my Scales, he and I have even managed to work through my anxieties and give me a way to free myself of them each turn. Again as I said I have never felt so free and it is amazing, he is amazing.

It's been a few turns since I saw your face, and I miss you already. But I went to our spot, and watched the rifter rise, the light of the rising rifter caught on the wyvern scale on my bracelet and sent shimmers all around me, it was a beautiful sight and made me smile.

I wrote this all before, but seems some of the leaflets in my book fell out so I shall try to recount what has happened since what I last have still here. ~ Life is so crazy. You just never know when it is going to change. About a half cycle, ..not quite half, back I got the chance to talk to someone I've seen many times, enough to consider him friendly but didn't really KNOW him. And it's so odd to just feel like the pieces fell together, I was happy, there was no anxiety it was just wonderful. Roseden and I have spent just about every turn together since. The first night we talked was after everyone had finished finding several chests across the lands and the treasures distributed... Biffy destroyed his. But Roseden and I started talking and it was as easy as breathing. I've never had a relationship that simple. Anyway we decided to see what would happen. So one turn he told me a story he made about a bunny and a dragon falling in love. It was so very sweet. But I fear I was so drawn into the story that I forgot to write it down to keep for memories sake. But I did happen to write a song I made up on the spot there for him. And I want to record it here before it fades from my thoughts.

I walked along life's pathways, never knowing which way to go
The path was long and winding, and I got lost along the way.
Some paths were hard and I stumbled, but never stopped and stayed.
Always hoping, somewhere along the way, I'd find home with someone who loved me, and there I'd spend my days."
Many came and traveled onward, along this path I've walked each day,
but none offered shelter, only temporary smiles to brighten and sometimes delay."
But one turn came to pass, a chance that changed the path..
You slid you hand in mine and guided me in the way.
Safer than ever, and happier each day.
Now the path may be still be rocky, and I may still have days I stumble,
but I fear them no more!
For I know you walk beside me and will lift me once again.
Finally, I look forward to what lays ahead, as never I have before.
For I know you walk beside me, and make my healed heart soar!

Anyway since then, I know I've fallen hard and fast for this sweet rogue. I wake each turn looking forward to seeing his smiling face and hearing from him.

Zarock has been gone so long now, and I've no clue if he's coming back. Another guy is now trying for my attention. And I am so... so very scared. I feel like Zarock succumb to the same curse that has befallen all but one guy, that has gotten close to me. And that one I pushed away so indefinitely it feels like... like a dream that never happened. I don't want another to fall prey to this curse I am under. I can't stand losing another. It hurts so much... like my heart is on fire, yet frozen in my chest at the same time, it hurts so much I feel like I might be sick. My head throbs I can't think. What did I do to deserve to fall under this cruelty? I grieve, I miss his presence in my life... my Zarock.

It is so quiet most turns now, one could almost hear a plume drop. I find it ironic that when I was between guild homes I had so many tell me I should start my own guild, and that they would follow me as leader... yet here I am as a leader of a guild... that is so quiet as well, those who pushed me to lead no longer around the lands. But I know it isn't just my own guild halls that are so quiet. I take solace in that.

I told a friend that I had thoughts haunting me today, past regrets stinging my mind and heart again like they always tend to do when I am alone. And he made a suggestion that I am going to have to do again, because it helped! I need to write out my thoughts even if it takes a while... "this time took me 18 marcs!" and then burn the papers! I was skeptical I admit, but wow... do I feel better. My mind is my own again and I can breath and smile. It's amazingly helpful. This may change things for my life. A change I needed.

Sea breeze blows sand through grassy hills, the smell of salt water mingles with floral notes swirls and my senses excite, while moonlight dances on branches bright. Plain trolls play in grass nearby, paying me little mind. The sky it's stars dancing, twinkle down on all in the night. The calm, and quiet bring joy and peace to my heart this night.

Got a chill a few turns back while farming and started sneezing, a cleric nearby heard me and I was told to get out of my chilled robes and into something warm and rest before it got worse. Clerics orders... And, he was right, cold is now gone. But we've been talking ever since. I haven't laughed so much in a long time.

It's been half a cycle since I've seen Zarock and quite some time between it and the time before that. I'm not meant to be alone, being alone makes the anxiety start, the nagging questions, are they coming back? Have they vanished like others have? Am I truly cursed as Low said and destroyed another good man. I can not stand the stinging questions burning in my thoughts, overthinking things again as I always do. People think I learned patience because I'm an enchanter who knows all her spells fail to realize I learned all my blue spells in nine cycles, nine! Quicker than most I know. No, I'm not patient... I know I need to learn to be and I am trying.

It's started again... The whirling of my mind. The self doubt that usually leads to me doing something foolish and causing myself pain. The self doubt that caused my running. And why does it return? Because I've been alone too long. I realize I'm not meant to be alone. People see me as confident never see the loneliness that is always there inside my mind like a prison cell I can not escape. Only temporarily someone is the key to release me. But they never stay. Cursed am I to end up behind the bars of loneliness. A place I've known all my life, a place that shall apparently haunt me til the gods decide I've served my time. One would think someone would get use to it after a while and just learn to live with it, yet my heart always yearns for more. Ever the dreamer am I.