A beautifully bound leather book the ornate and gold-edging decorating this journals outer covering looks to be from another time and place. Several pages are stuffed inside the book as if she will not write on the actual book. Upon opening, the first added page reads... These are the personal accounts and wanderings of Lavender Cecilia Morgan.
Sunday, 21 March 2021
It's official, I'm in love. NEVER thought this would actually happen! It's been so long since I actually felt this way. I've been happier then I have been since.. well... the only other time I was ever in love! It's amazing! It's wonderful, he makes me blush, he makes me happy he understands when I feel down and just need to cuddle, or if I have to sleep too long, or if I want to help others for a time. Thankfully the desire to run is... gone... it was there in the beginning, like always, and I had my moments of panic attacks.. but he's still here, he helped me through them. I've been blessed. And yet again I fall for a cleric... how ironic.
Lavender 17:09 - Link
Monday, 01 March 2021
Relationships take work, or at least they seem to, to me. Some people I see their relationships and they just seem to flow like the river so easy going. My own... More like a waterfall free falling who knows where over a cliff. Saw a friend today, he was more then a friend when I last saw him, he's the one who made me believe it was possible to move on. But, so much has happened since I last saw him... Several cycles. I wish I could have waited for him. But alas I am so very, very tired of being alone. And I didn't know even IF he would return. He said he doesn't blame me. Then why do I feel so bad? Yet another guy I've hurt.. Will it ever end? Miss the one I am with right now, it's only been a turn since I've seen him. But getting emotional makes me just want to cuddle.
Lavender 00:28 - Link
Thursday, 25 February 2021
He saw, he really saw and understood! He saw my fears, my worries, my anxiety and knew I was starting to pull away. And instead of getting upset and complaining about it he just took me in his arms and held me. We didn't talk, he just held me close, then with great gentleness he guided me to laying down beside him, and we just laid there, and I listened to his heart beating, he rubbed my back until I fell asleep again. Dare I say.. I might actually be falling for him? Too soon to tell though, but after the panic attack subsided I find myself light hearted, able to smile and breath again. Until next time.
Lavender 21:21 - Link
Wednesday, 24 February 2021
That age old anxiety, that makes me want to pull away is rearing it's ugly head again. And the one I am with has done nothing to warrant it! Why oh why is being with someone I care about so freaking hard! Hopefully he understands my trepidation has nothing to do with him.. but is something broken inside me. Something, that may never be fixed. I am broken, hopelessly flawed. Behind my calm exterior, beautiful features, and abundant helpfulness... I am nothing but a broken, scarred, and scared girl.
Lavender 08:20 - Link
Thursday, 04 February 2021
Well, I've taken that step again, a long time friend asked me to be his.. he's made a great many promises as I did tell him my past and how I am terrified, because I've hurt so many others because of the fact I have trouble letting people close, or I push them away when they finally do get close. I don't mean to. But he promised to take it slow, and to stick around even if I pull away. I'm so very scared as I have heard that promise before and it was not kept. But he gave me a ring and a promise to stay, to wait patiently when I pull away, and be my haven when I come back to him. We will see... I'm scared to hope.. yet I find it blooming in me again.
Lavender 09:10 - Link
Sunday, 31 January 2021
I had a wonderful time last turn. I thought it would end up just dancing alone again like last time but I didn't and that mad the evening grand for me. But I there ended up being a few people that came to the Winter Formal I created. While I had fun, I think this may be the last dance I create as so many don't ever care to come.
Lavender 09:36 - Link
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Friday, 15 January 2021
Bir kissed me today.. or I kissed him, however you look at it. We had just clearing some plants that we were asked to clear, there were 5 or 6 of us. And Bir in my ear asked for a kiss while pointing to his cheek. This has been a normal thing for us pretty much since I've known him so I smiled and obliged. But it did not go as I thought, as at the last second Bir purposely turned and I kissed him on the lips! To say I was shocked would be quite the understatement. But, I can't say I didn't like it.
Lavender 17:31 - Link
Tuesday, 05 January 2021
I hate rumors, and those that spread them are a bane to exsistance someone asked Cody why he kicked me from the Serendipitous Resurrection. HE didn't kick me from the guild! I LEFT on my own accord. Honestly I should have done it long before I did, but I was hoping to outlast my stubborn heart and heal without having to leave the first home I've ever had. I've actually felt more like myself and happier then I've been in..a long time. I hate that it had to be this way... Note to self, don't fall in love with a guildmate ever again, I could not get past the memories there without getting upset over and over again. Now I don't have to remember, and can move on.
Lavender 18:33 - Link
Wednesday, 30 December 2020
I find myself infatuated with someone, who... More then likely doesn't feel the same about me. He doesn't even know I like him, or that I would like to get to know him better. Sadly he doesn't wake often. Why is it the sleepyheads that I fall for?
Lavender 18:06 - Link
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Monday, 28 December 2020
It was so good to see an old friend this turn, his smile and great big bear hug made the aching loneliness leave for now even if he couldn't stay awake, it was nice to see a friendly, smiling face again. I realize, I don't do well being alone, yet even when someone is there... They aren't there and I'm alone even in their company. But there are a few whom I've never felt lonely around, my leader Loki, Aryana, Akassa, and Bir Folg, they are my family. I just wish they would wake up more.
Lavender 18:21 - Link
Thursday, 17 December 2020
Seems I can not out run the loneliness no matter where I go. The good thing is at least I feel wanted here.
Lavender 18:12 - Link
Thursday, 12 November 2020
To be a part of a guild, to know I have kin, and a place to officially call home again, to actually feel wanted feels amazing! I joined the Clan of the Shrouded Bunnies today. But I do not have my bunny ears or fuzzy tail yet like the rest, because apparently there is a ceremony they do for that. So I shall be patient and wait. But at least I am home.
Lavender 21:21 - Link
Tuesday, 10 November 2020
The sea has seen my joy,
the sea has seen my sorrows.
The waves have washed away my guilt,
and the breeze blows away memories.
The sky is my shelter,
the sea listens to my heart,
and eases the pain for a time.
The stars have glistened in my tears,
the pebbles have echoed my laughter
while the wind caresses my cheek.
The sea is my solitude and strength.
Lavender 23:41 - Link
Wednesday, 04 November 2020
I am full of sorrow this turn, thinking of times, people, and family now lost to me. I know the time can not go back and that I must look to the future, and while that brings with it fear and excitement. For now the silence is nearly deafening. Why is it I can see the good and the right path for others, and usually help in ways that make them happy. But for myself, I end up taking every wrong path. Will I ever find the happiness I sought when ran away? Or was even that truly in vain? No.. it wasn't in vain, I know that. There are so many people I have loved, and that do love here in this world that I never would have had the chance to know there. I help so many others find their way, find their path... but, when will I find my own and no longer feel so lost?
Lavender 21:47 - Link
Wednesday, 28 October 2020
Last turn was a lot of fun, hanging out with friend telling of this seasons Fall Festival events just past that they missed, then low and behold I feel a heaviness in my pack, the crown of munificence has returned to me. Not sure what I did to attract it's attention but I am humbled by its presence.. and if not just a little embarrassed when IT proclaims my "un-jerkness" to all of Valorn. Though I am in awe and also humbled by the responses from friends, some who automatically want to come to my defence wanting to know who called me a jerk that would warrent the crier to proclaim otherwise, causing me to point out it is the crown that does it. Others who notice the crown laugh and tell me they think the crown is right... Yet, my own conscience wonders if I truly deserve this with some of the things I've done in the past, people I've hurt unintentionally. Habits of doubting myself are hard to break. But on the positive side a good friend has been awake, showing me around what I hope will be my new home. Who knows what the future holds, but for the first time in a long time, I am actually hopeful.
Lavender 07:01 - Link
Sunday, 25 October 2020
I think I got the absolute perfect costume for me this year! A squirrel, because everyone knows I am nuts!
Lavender 16:18 - Link
Sunday, 18 October 2020
I realize part of my problem, I know I am pretty, and I am strong. But every time I hear someone say they are glad they have someone so strong, or beautiful.. it turns me away. I want to mean something more to someone then just being a pretty face, and so far in my experience only one has done that. Perhaps that is why I think of him often and compare others to him. He saw me as more, even if I am flawed personality wise.
Lavender 20:50 - Link
Tuesday, 13 October 2020
I have come to realize that while I do not want to be alone, I will never be or have a bondmate. The sad reality is that I have no true concept of what it means or is to BE someone's bondmate in this world. What one is expected to do, how one is expected to act, because how I was raised is so different then here. Where I was raised a woman is expected to run her bondmates household, make sure things are in proper order, make sure the servants did their duties, make sure things are always tidy, and if there are children, make sure they are trained, taught their roles as they were expected in that world. The woman there is, basically a glorified personal servant of her bondmate, tend to his needs, his desires above their own. Be arm ornament at parties, well behaved, organized, and pretty so as not to embarrass your bondmate. A woman there could be replaced, or beheaded if she were to disobey. And if you were not pretty enough for that, you were put with an older man to look after him until he passed, then you could finally do as you wished. Women here have so much more freedom, and while that is great, I've no concept, no example of how that actually WORKS, what one actually does in a relationship? And to be honest, that scares me. So when faced with it, I turn to the only things I do KNOW in THIS world, my magic, helping others, farming, and protecting the lands. Because that is all I am good at here. So I guess, I resign myself to being alone.
Lavender 22:04 - Link
Monday, 12 October 2020
How does one let go of feelings for someone who was the best person you have ever known or loved in your life? The one who taught you about the type of person you want to try to be. I know things will never go back to what it once was, and to be honest, I don't want it to.. I want something more. I have a lot to learn, I know this. And, I know I need to try to not be so stubborn. Every time I think I have moved on, I go along believing I am just fine, then like a bos hits me in the chest, those memories and feelings come back again when I am feeling vulnerable, and alone. And it makes me realize I may never be able to do so. I've lost so much due to my own stubbornness, and pride, sometimes it hurts so bad I wish I had never come to Valorn in the first place. But, I also know, I wouldn't erase it for anything in the world. People say time heals all wounds, they also say someone else will eventually come along and make the past just that, the past, and a memory. Yet, after all this time I can't help feel like their words are only fairytales. Such is my life... a fairytale. But not the happily ever after kind... the I will survive through it all kind. That is all I can aspire to do, and I will.
Lavender 11:19 - Link
Saturday, 10 October 2020
I hate when I have to tie myself to a different monument to help make clearing those zombies a bit easier. I get SO sea sick every time I have to ride the ferry back to Killican to retie myself back to the Life Monument there. Perhaps that is another reason why I am glad to be an enchanter, I rarely have to ride the ferry.. So odd to love the sea, the smell, the sound, the way the rifter makes the water sparkle... yet crossing it's waves over to the island of Killican, well.. lets just say I don't look good green.
Lavender 17:56 - Link
Sunday, 04 October 2020
Why do I fall for men who are around so little they might as well be figments of my imagination? Honestly, I think imaginary men would actually be around more then they are!!!
Lavender 21:13 - Link
Friday, 25 September 2020
It is so odd to no longer have a home, and at first it was really hard to know I could no longer go home, because I no longer belonged there. But now it is a relief to no longer feel like I am a pariah, or like my very existence there would make another uncomfortable enough to never wake. And while I will miss some there, they are still my friends. But perhaps now I can find where I belong, a home where I feel welcomed and loved.
Lavender 17:55 - Link
Saturday, 29 August 2020
Why does it not surprise me that I would mess up my own life so much. It makes little difference now, I lost so much due to my own foolishness. I honestly wonder if I know any difference then to mess things up for myself, or if I can even tell the difference between what is good and right and what isn't. Perhaps things are how they are suppose to be anyway.
Lavender 22:00 - Link
Life is so confusing sometimes, you think you are in a nice conversation even joking with a person.. then they twist your words to mean something you never intended.. it's like getting a sword driven in your heart. My head throbs... up seems to be down, down seems to be up lately, my head spins. So tired of feeling confused, of being made to feel bad for things I didn't say. Thankful to have someone to talk to at least that cares, that makes me feel wanted, even when I feel confused and like I am stuck in a cyclone with the rest of my life.
Lavender 13:02 - Link
Thursday, 20 August 2020
As howling winds sweep past moon bathed meres, echoes of howls pierce the night. Twinkling lights in entwine their ribbony veil across a baron night sky. The wretching cries born of sorrow seeps into my soul, searing it's depths. Joy and happiness all but forgotten amid the torrent tide, drowning one beneath it's waves, all but washing away the memory of happiness. Awaiting the small moments of joy that brighten the darkness with their light... Blindingly like a comet across the sky all but blacking out those twinkling stars leaving behind a darkness void of light til the blindness fades to show small twinkles of simple joys again.
Lavender 15:17 - Link
Sunday, 16 August 2020
I miss my cabin so much right now, even if it is no longer home for me. Wish I could be more decisive with my thoughts and actions. But the peace I feel still tells me that this time I made the right choice, for now.
Lavender 16:32 - Link
Friday, 07 August 2020
Why is it no matter what I do, what I say, who I am with.. I always feel like I am lost, or drowning. Will anywhere ever be safe? Be home? Some days I think I'd be better off if the gods didn't resurrect me at my monument..then I will no longer feel this way, no longer feel like nothing I do is right. I find that feeling of not being enough, not feeling like I'm worth anything is worse when people get close to me. Perhaps that is why I push them away, so I don't have to feel like I am worthless. I know it isn't their fault... It is inside of me, so deeply rooted it may never be undone. I know I'm loved, and I know how to love.. I guess, in my own way, but it never seems to be enough, like I'm, not enough.
Lavender 15:35 - Link
Wednesday, 05 August 2020
Who am I? I realize now why I struggle with my own decisions and the decisions of others. Because, I am either ALL IN, or I am ALL OUT. There can be no in between, I do not function well with in between. Which is why I find it hard to let people close, or let them go. Because once I decide I am all in then I am ALL IN for the long haul even if I struggle with figuring out relationships, I do the best I can. It is not like I have good examples to go by on how relationships work. My parents were never around to follow as an example, and those they employed kept their relationships out of sight of those of us they worked for, so I never knew what to expect, what was expected of me other then running a household, or even how to maintain more then a friendship.. this is something I am learning now, as I go. Not sure I will ever get it completely right, I've been hurt, and I've hurt others, all while learning from each. Hopefully one day what I do will be close enough to right that the one that loves me will overlook my flaws.
Lavender 16:12 - Link
Saturday, 01 August 2020
I think I finally understand why being with someone has always been so hard for me, why I look for validation in whomever I was with, and yet no matter what they said I couldn't see it. Because I never believed that I was worth it, their time, their devotion, their love, and even though they tried to show me how much they cared, I didn't understand, I couldn't see it myself, and because I didn't love myself I though they would eventually grow tired of me, or forget whatever it was they saw in me in the first place, so I pushed them away. I'm going to try.. to be better, to see what they see in myself, I pray I can get better.. that perhaps I too can find happiness after all this time.
Lavender 17:17 - Link
Well I did it, something I thought I'd never do, never wanted to do... I left the only home I've really known since coming to the lands.. I miss my cabin, I miss hearing my guild kin, not that they spoke much lately. But at the same time, I haven't felt this peaceful in.. ever. I should have done this a long time ago.. yet even with that peace I want to cry too. I've no clue what my path holds, where I will go. But, it will be an adventure and I know, I am never alone. For now I am staying in a couple close friends guild hall. One said I could, the other... Would probably burst at the seams if he knew I was here.. I can vision him now... Silly bunny.
Lavender 00:05 - Link