Create your Journal on Dark Grimoire Players Network | HOME

A beautifully bound leather book the ornate and gold-edging decorating this journals outer covering looks to be from another time and place. Several pages are stuffed inside the book as if she will not write on the actual book. Upon opening, the first added page reads... These are the personal accounts and wanderings of Lavender Cecilia Morgan.

Saturday, 23 July 2022
It has been a while since I put ink to parchment again, and again life finds a new change for me. I was away for a few cycles finding myself, but Zarock was there with a smile and a warm embrace when I returned, made my heart melt again. Also two years from the turn I left my old guild I find myself being made leader of my new guild! I admit I am a bit nervous, but Loki and Aryana believe in me and that means a lot! Change is happening in the lands, some guilds are thriving, others are not. New people come and go.. it is the way of life. I find I am content. I am rarely without a smile and while I took a short break from the world, it was here waiting for me and I find I am happy.
Lavender 18:51 - Link - comments

Thursday, 24 February 2022
Yet again Zarock amazes me, he seems tuned into when my mood shifts. My sister Leah has been waking and roaming the lands again, and seeing her has brought back, so many memories it has honestly been overwhelming. The tightness in my chest began again, and I strove to fight off another panic attack... And somehow he knew. Zarock knew something was wrong and wouldn't let me alone, but understood at that time, in that moment for once I didn't need to talk, I just needed to be held. I felt so much better afterwards. I felt, loved.
Lavender 09:20 - Link - comments

Tuesday, 11 January 2022
I am so... Overwhelmingly insecure sometimes. Though most will never know it. Last turn I was fidgeting and worried because I hadn't seen Zarock in a while. Then soon after he woke, took me in his arms and kissed me until I melted in his arms. I felt so much better afterwards. I guess having been abandoned by parents who preferred an unencumbered life, plus all the guys I've unintentionally chased off... Only one I intentionally chased off... Well they left a scars on my heart and mind and while I am feeling more whole, there are some that may never be healed fully.
Lavender 07:55 - Link - comments

Thursday, 30 December 2021
The monuments that Abayde left nastiness all over on both sides of Dundee were finally cleaned last turn and now shine bright again.
Lavender 08:16 - Link - comments

Monday, 28 June 2021
Abayde has been defeated. And along the way we found journal writings of his scattered about that told his tale, of a sick child, who he believed the clerics of Branishor could heal but didn't, he lost her, and along that journey he also lost his bondmate to grief. His own grief broke him. I can sympathize with him on that, having been broken by grief myself, making foolish things look like a good idea to relieve the pain... Back to the tale - At the temple he apparently found notes about the realm of the dead and how to bring the dead back to life using relics there. He experimented, many times over ended up with his army of the undead. In the end he could not bring back his loved ones. That sent him into a rage and hatred of not just the clerics who he believed let his family die, but all of us adventures as our reformation at the monuments mocked his pain, in his eyes. In his mind, why should adventures reform when his family could not? And a hatred of the gods whom he abandoned in his pain. So he set out to destroy our monuments, our way of life, as his grief became his madness. It was sad to see such pain, and to know the only way to stop him was to send him to his death as well. We all hope, and pray he found his loved ones on the other side. It took many, many turns to get through a twisted labyrinth full of undead. But many adventures stood strong and worked together to bring peace back to the lands once again.
Lavender 09:11 - Link - comments

Tuesday, 01 June 2021
I've definitely fallen in love again, Zarock is... Amazing. He's understanding when I want to train, or need to sleep, when I was getting close and.. well obsessing about hitting my now current level he came out to where I was training to cheer me on, gave my waning energy a boost having him there. He's sweet when we are together often insisting he buys my meals despite the fact I can certainly afford to get them myself. He makes me blush often, usually when he teases me about liking it when I wear my shells to go swimming. I feel protected and cherished in his company.
Lavender 05:57 - Link - comments

Tuesday, 25 May 2021
How do people stay still for so long? If I stay still with nothing to do I fall asleep.
Lavender 21:26 - Link - comments

Tuesday, 18 May 2021
New guild family, finally got my ears and tail a few turns back, they are beautiful. We can level again and I've been slowly doing so while also looking for crystals so I can strengthen my armor as I go again, now if I could just find the weapon primitives to fill the violets I've found. All in time. And I've met someone, well.. I've known him long time. But something has changes and every turn I see him, he.. makes me smile, and for the first time in a long time, I feel ...protected, and like I don't have to be the strong one, holding myself together to be someone else's strength. He has confidence, kindness, grace, and is a compete gentleman, and.. I think he has a chance to actually keep up with me! I don't know what the future holds, I am taking things one turn at a time. But I haven't been this happy and at peace in a long time... Even with an insane necromancer still running around.
Lavender 23:53 - Link - comments

Sunday, 16 May 2021
Life just loves changing with the winds, I never know what will blow my way. At least with this change, my smile rarely leaves my face.
Lavender 09:54 - Link - comments

Wednesday, 21 April 2021
Why do I do this to myself... I think I am happy, then I freak out and run... I hurt anyone who gets close to me. Perhaps it is time I just get use to the fact that I am meant to be alone.
Lavender 18:20 - Link - comments

Sunday, 21 March 2021
It's official, I'm in love. NEVER thought this would actually happen! It's been so long since I actually felt this way. I've been happier then I have been since.. well... the only other time I was ever in love! It's amazing! It's wonderful, he makes me blush, he makes me happy he understands when I feel down and just need to cuddle, or if I have to sleep too long, or if I want to help others for a time. Thankfully the desire to run is... gone... it was there in the beginning, like always, and I had my moments of panic attacks.. but he's still here, he helped me through them. I've been blessed. And yet again I fall for a cleric... how ironic.
Lavender 17:09 - Link - comments

Monday, 01 March 2021
Relationships take work, or at least they seem to, to me. Some people I see their relationships and they just seem to flow like the river so easy going. My own... More like a waterfall free falling who knows where over a cliff. Saw a friend today, he was more then a friend when I last saw him, he's the one who made me believe it was possible to move on. But, so much has happened since I last saw him... Several cycles. I wish I could have waited for him. But alas I am so very, very tired of being alone. And I didn't know even IF he would return. He said he doesn't blame me. Then why do I feel so bad? Yet another guy I've hurt.. Will it ever end? Miss the one I am with right now, it's only been a turn since I've seen him. But getting emotional makes me just want to cuddle.
Lavender 00:28 - Link - comments

Thursday, 25 February 2021
He saw, he really saw and understood! He saw my fears, my worries, my anxiety and knew I was starting to pull away. And instead of getting upset and complaining about it he just took me in his arms and held me. We didn't talk, he just held me close, then with great gentleness he guided me to laying down beside him, and we just laid there, and I listened to his heart beating, he rubbed my back until I fell asleep again. Dare I say.. I might actually be falling for him? Too soon to tell though, but after the panic attack subsided I find myself light hearted, able to smile and breath again. Until next time.
Lavender 21:21 - Link - comments

Wednesday, 24 February 2021
That age old anxiety, that makes me want to pull away is rearing it's ugly head again. And the one I am with has done nothing to warrant it! Why oh why is being with someone I care about so freaking hard! Hopefully he understands my trepidation has nothing to do with him.. but is something broken inside me. Something, that may never be fixed. I am broken, hopelessly flawed. Behind my calm exterior, beautiful features, and abundant helpfulness... I am nothing but a broken, scarred, and scared girl.
Lavender 08:20 - Link - comments

Thursday, 04 February 2021
Well, I've taken that step again, a long time friend asked me to be his.. he's made a great many promises as I did tell him my past and how I am terrified, because I've hurt so many others because of the fact I have trouble letting people close, or I push them away when they finally do get close. I don't mean to. But he promised to take it slow, and to stick around even if I pull away. I'm so very scared as I have heard that promise before and it was not kept. But he gave me a ring and a promise to stay, to wait patiently when I pull away, and be my haven when I come back to him. We will see... I'm scared to hope.. yet I find it blooming in me again.
Lavender 09:10 - Link - comments

Sunday, 31 January 2021
I had a wonderful time last turn. I thought it would end up just dancing alone again like last time but I didn't and that mad the evening grand for me. But I there ended up being a few people that came to the Winter Formal I created. While I had fun, I think this may be the last dance I create as so many don't ever care to come.
Lavender 09:36 - Link - comments (1)

Friday, 15 January 2021
Bir kissed me today.. or I kissed him, however you look at it. We had just clearing some plants that we were asked to clear, there were 5 or 6 of us. And Bir in my ear asked for a kiss while pointing to his cheek. This has been a normal thing for us pretty much since I've known him so I smiled and obliged. But it did not go as I thought, as at the last second Bir purposely turned and I kissed him on the lips! To say I was shocked would be quite the understatement. But, I can't say I didn't like it.
Lavender 17:31 - Link - comments

Tuesday, 05 January 2021
I hate rumors, and those that spread them are a bane to exsistance someone asked Cody why he kicked me from the Serendipitous Resurrection. HE didn't kick me from the guild! I LEFT on my own accord. Honestly I should have done it long before I did, but I was hoping to outlast my stubborn heart and heal without having to leave the first home I've ever had. I've actually felt more like myself and happier then I've been in..a long time. I hate that it had to be this way... Note to self, don't fall in love with a guildmate ever again, I could not get past the memories there without getting upset over and over again. Now I don't have to remember, and can move on.
Lavender 18:33 - Link - comments

Wednesday, 30 December 2020
I find myself infatuated with someone, who... More then likely doesn't feel the same about me. He doesn't even know I like him, or that I would like to get to know him better. Sadly he doesn't wake often. Why is it the sleepyheads that I fall for?
Lavender 18:06 - Link - comments (2)

Monday, 28 December 2020
It was so good to see an old friend this turn, his smile and great big bear hug made the aching loneliness leave for now even if he couldn't stay awake, it was nice to see a friendly, smiling face again. I realize, I don't do well being alone, yet even when someone is there... They aren't there and I'm alone even in their company. But there are a few whom I've never felt lonely around, my leader Loki, Aryana, Akassa, and Bir Folg, they are my family. I just wish they would wake up more.
Lavender 18:21 - Link - comments

Thursday, 17 December 2020
Seems I can not out run the loneliness no matter where I go. The good thing is at least I feel wanted here.
Lavender 18:12 - Link - comments

Thursday, 12 November 2020
To be a part of a guild, to know I have kin, and a place to officially call home again, to actually feel wanted feels amazing! I joined the Clan of the Shrouded Bunnies today. But I do not have my bunny ears or fuzzy tail yet like the rest, because apparently there is a ceremony they do for that. So I shall be patient and wait. But at least I am home.
Lavender 21:21 - Link - comments

Tuesday, 10 November 2020
The sea has seen my joy,
the sea has seen my sorrows.
The waves have washed away my guilt,
and the breeze blows away memories.

The sky is my shelter,
the sea listens to my heart,
and eases the pain for a time.

The stars have glistened in my tears,
the pebbles have echoed my laughter
while the wind caresses my cheek.
The sea is my solitude and strength.
Lavender 23:41 - Link - comments

Wednesday, 04 November 2020
I am full of sorrow this turn, thinking of times, people, and family now lost to me. I know the time can not go back and that I must look to the future, and while that brings with it fear and excitement. For now the silence is nearly deafening. Why is it I can see the good and the right path for others, and usually help in ways that make them happy. But for myself, I end up taking every wrong path. Will I ever find the happiness I sought when ran away? Or was even that truly in vain? No.. it wasn't in vain, I know that. There are so many people I have loved, and that do love here in this world that I never would have had the chance to know there. I help so many others find their way, find their path... but, when will I find my own and no longer feel so lost?
Lavender 21:47 - Link - comments

Wednesday, 28 October 2020
Last turn was a lot of fun, hanging out with friend telling of this seasons Fall Festival events just past that they missed, then low and behold I feel a heaviness in my pack, the crown of munificence has returned to me. Not sure what I did to attract it's attention but I am humbled by its presence.. and if not just a little embarrassed when IT proclaims my "un-jerkness" to all of Valorn. Though I am in awe and also humbled by the responses from friends, some who automatically want to come to my defence wanting to know who called me a jerk that would warrent the crier to proclaim otherwise, causing me to point out it is the crown that does it. Others who notice the crown laugh and tell me they think the crown is right... Yet, my own conscience wonders if I truly deserve this with some of the things I've done in the past, people I've hurt unintentionally. Habits of doubting myself are hard to break. But on the positive side a good friend has been awake, showing me around what I hope will be my new home. Who knows what the future holds, but for the first time in a long time, I am actually hopeful.
Lavender 07:01 - Link - comments

Sunday, 25 October 2020
I think I got the absolute perfect costume for me this year! A squirrel, because everyone knows I am nuts!
Lavender 16:18 - Link - comments

Sunday, 18 October 2020
I realize part of my problem, I know I am pretty, and I am strong. But every time I hear someone say they are glad they have someone so strong, or beautiful.. it turns me away. I want to mean something more to someone then just being a pretty face, and so far in my experience only one has done that. Perhaps that is why I think of him often and compare others to him. He saw me as more, even if I am flawed personality wise.
Lavender 20:50 - Link - comments

Tuesday, 13 October 2020
I have come to realize that while I do not want to be alone, I will never be or have a bondmate. The sad reality is that I have no true concept of what it means or is to BE someone's bondmate in this world. What one is expected to do, how one is expected to act, because how I was raised is so different then here. Where I was raised a woman is expected to run her bondmates household, make sure things are in proper order, make sure the servants did their duties, make sure things are always tidy, and if there are children, make sure they are trained, taught their roles as they were expected in that world. The woman there is, basically a glorified personal servant of her bondmate, tend to his needs, his desires above their own. Be arm ornament at parties, well behaved, organized, and pretty so as not to embarrass your bondmate. A woman there could be replaced, or beheaded if she were to disobey. And if you were not pretty enough for that, you were put with an older man to look after him until he passed, then you could finally do as you wished. Women here have so much more freedom, and while that is great, I've no concept, no example of how that actually WORKS, what one actually does in a relationship? And to be honest, that scares me. So when faced with it, I turn to the only things I do KNOW in THIS world, my magic, helping others, farming, and protecting the lands. Because that is all I am good at here. So I guess, I resign myself to being alone.
Lavender 22:04 - Link - comments

Monday, 12 October 2020
How does one let go of feelings for someone who was the best person you have ever known or loved in your life? The one who taught you about the type of person you want to try to be. I know things will never go back to what it once was, and to be honest, I don't want it to.. I want something more. I have a lot to learn, I know this. And, I know I need to try to not be so stubborn. Every time I think I have moved on, I go along believing I am just fine, then like a bos hits me in the chest, those memories and feelings come back again when I am feeling vulnerable, and alone. And it makes me realize I may never be able to do so. I've lost so much due to my own stubbornness, and pride, sometimes it hurts so bad I wish I had never come to Valorn in the first place. But, I also know, I wouldn't erase it for anything in the world. People say time heals all wounds, they also say someone else will eventually come along and make the past just that, the past, and a memory. Yet, after all this time I can't help feel like their words are only fairytales. Such is my life... a fairytale. But not the happily ever after kind... the I will survive through it all kind. That is all I can aspire to do, and I will.
Lavender 11:19 - Link - comments

Saturday, 10 October 2020
I hate when I have to tie myself to a different monument to help make clearing those zombies a bit easier. I get SO sea sick every time I have to ride the ferry back to Killican to retie myself back to the Life Monument there. Perhaps that is another reason why I am glad to be an enchanter, I rarely have to ride the ferry.. So odd to love the sea, the smell, the sound, the way the rifter makes the water sparkle... yet crossing it's waves over to the island of Killican, well.. lets just say I don't look good green.
Lavender 17:56 - Link - comments