A beautifully bound leather book the ornate and gold-edging decorating this journals outer covering looks to be from another time and place.
On opening, the first page reads... These are the personal accounts and wanderings of Lavender Cecilia Morgan.
Sunday, 17 September 2017
Who am I? What is my purpose? I use to think I was some grand enchantress, and I was meant to help everyone who asked. Now I find I've become a hermit, rarely being among the public, rarely speaking unless spoken to..much like I once was when I was painfully shy, ah..the days of my youth to be so innocent....Now it's not shyness that keeps me away, but a loneliness that has seeped so deep into my bones, yea... probably even my very soul. I find I can be in a crowded room and still feel completely alone in this world. I still find smiling comes easy, WHEN I find something to smile about.
Lavender 13:01 - Link
Wednesday, 23 August 2017
It is nice, been so long since I felt like this.. I find each turn now I can smile a little easier. It is easier to find joy in each moment. The future finally looks bright again. For no other reason then time heals all.
Lavender 08:45 - Link
Sunday, 20 August 2017
I wish, I had someone to give me the advice I give others now... that if you truly love someone.. you will regret not waiting for them no matter the distance, or insurmountable mountain that may seem to be in your way, if you love them then they are worth the wait. Life lesson learned the hard way, seems the only way I learn anything is the hard way.
Lavender 20:42 - Link
Saturday, 19 August 2017
I find it ironic, that the very thing I was trying to avoid when I left where I grew up, has now engulfed my life.... Loneliness....And I have no one to blame but myself.
Lavender 20:01 - Link
Thursday, 17 August 2017
Sometimes I wonder... am I going to forget... forget what it was like when I was truly happy?..was I truly happy then? Or was I deceiving myself? Did it even happen? Or was it all a dream.. do I even know what loving someone is like truly... to be so unselfishly theirs that I care not for the world? Will I ever find that? Or am I as I fear, truly doomed to be always alone. The loneliness overwhelms me almost as much as it comforts me with it's familiarity. I have settled into solitude as one settles into a familiar and comfortable chair, yet occasionally I fidget and have to change at least what I look at. No taste at all now for running and fighting, unless absolutely necessary the desire to do so seaming to have so torn my life apart that I am still trying to find the pieces, some may be lost forever. Or perhaps they need to be reforged by the kindling of... of something I do not know if I am capable of any longer. I hope I am not beyond figuring out how to have somewhat of a normal life. I just wonder after all this, if I can even trust my own heart. And that... makes me sad. I no longer feel lost, I know who I am again and that is a comfort. I just fear that I might have pushed every opportunity to find love away too many times and that I might not find it again. But I also know that, is foolishness and I am not going to make the mistakes of my past, my fears are NO LONGER going to keep me from finding out where I belong.
Lavender 20:52 - Link
Thursday, 10 August 2017
I was away only one quarter cycle. And that time seemed to have helped me more then I actually thought it would. I feel... right again. And in truth the feeling is quite odd, I have been out of sorts for SO long now that this feeling like all is as it should be, is a foreign one for me, but a very welcome one. I'm no longer running, no longer hiding. The world no longer feels as if it has been turned upside down. The feeling almost makes me giddy.
Lavender 21:18 - Link
Thursday, 03 August 2017
It is amazing! While working to remove the broken glass the glass shifted and we could smell meat cooking! It seems Jaymes had enough supplies to keep himself alive, sheltering himself under his bar from the destruction. It makes me hopeful for the future. Yet it seems the time has come for me to head off as I had planned. Yet, I know, I shall return to this place because it is after all... Home.
Lavender 16:18 - Link
Today will be another day of cleaning around the glass building, I do hope we can make some headway through the debris.. I do worry for those who had duties in this once beautiful place. Will we find the bodies of those who once worked here?... Will we be able to bury them? Will we be able to make sense of the mess and reduce the rubble? To be able to show, no matter the challenge, no matter the scars, we as a people will not be defined by our painful past.. but rather choose to rebuild, make something beautiful and new in memory of the past so it may be remembered what was lost.. and to remind those that what was fought for WAS worth it all. I find it baffling I can conjure so much hope for others, yet... none for myself. I leave later this turn on a trip.. to discover myself.. what I makes me run from myself and my own happiness.. I just hope I can recover who I want to be, and I fear going alone... yet it seems the only way.
Lavender 12:41 - Link
Monday, 31 July 2017
*occasions tear smudges the ink, but not enough to be illegible* Yet again I hurt someone I care about... just because I can not see past my own fears. When it is my fears that got me in the mess I am in in the first place... I realize now that I have always been running. Fears of others... my parents.. their choices for me, though I still believe at the time I never could have stood up to the man they chose for me like I could now.. but then.. I had the backbone to run.. perhaps I could have. Then with my first love I ran from him... because I felt guilty over choices that were made even if they were not all my own. For some reason the thought popped in my head that... he might not be happy with being with me because of what he had to give up...though my logical mind told me that was ridiculous! He never would have asked me to be with him if that was not HIS choice, but so use was I to being "not good enough" all my life that the thought poisoned the rational thought, the running started then.. not from him.. though he believe I was.. I was trying to run from the thought that I ruined everything for everyone...The thought that had I NOT come around then no one would have been hurt... so I did what started everything in the first place and brought me to Valorn.. I ran. I ran from the thought that was hurting me.. and because of it I had trouble facing him. And I ended up pushing him away. Until I lost him completely.. Then having severed the only anchor I had on my sanity I still ran til my feet literally bled.. and my heart closed up in my chest. Still I could not get rid of the notion... Had I had the courage and told him the thought that poisoned my mind I could have avoided SO much hurt.. but I could not put words to it, I tried on several occasions and it was like my tongue swelled up in my mouth and I could not say it...Wanted to ignore it, make it go away.. didn't want the thought there.. but it was like a stinging wasp that wouldn't die... Doesn't seem to matter the good I have done, the people and now even gods.. I have helped.. I keep pushing away those that try and get close to me.. Now... not so much because I am scared of hurting them... but.. because I have been running from.. myself.. so long now.. that.. I no longer know WHO I AM!!! How can I be with or good for anyone when even I do not know who Lavender Cecelia Morgan is? ... Very... very soon I intend to take a trip... no destination in mind.. just away.. not running this time... but a road discovering myself again. I do not know how long I will roam, because I do not know how long it will take. I do not know where I will go because I do not know where my feet will lead me. I just hope I can return to the brave woman I once believed I was. I pray the gods will watch those I love while I am away and guide my feet back home when I find who she is once again. Then... perhaps I will have a hope of finally finding the happiness I wanted when I left my parents house and the pig of a man they wanted for my bondmate.
Lavender 23:22 - Link
Tuesday, 25 July 2017
It is so odd seeing Dundee nearly empty, several of the towns people I have come use to seeing in my day to day life... gone.. I know many people will not be able to cope with what had to be done. The towns people were used, as puppets for for another's purpose. If that is just one aspect of the control the gods CAN have.. makes me all the more glad I serve gods who choose to let us live and do as we see fit. And that we were able to stop the world and us, from falling into his hand before we ALL become mindless playthings at His disposal. I still hope and pray that those we had to fight will be able to be righted again somehow. And I know several who feel shame on having to hunt the towns people down before they became more dangerous...I fully believe had we not sought them out, the bronze one might have called them in on us when fighting him... we had to cover our tails and be sure that we were not going to be fighting on multiple sides. On another note, I have taken on a project in this time. Perhaps it will help keep me from dwelling on the sorry state of things and the sadness from what we did. I am trying to get people together to clean and fix the glorious glass building of the gods. It was shattered and destroyed. Would be nice to see it gleam again in the rifters light. I pray daily that things will be set right again and that we may find a measure of peace.
Lavender 12:42 - Link