A beautifully bound leather book the ornate and gold-edging decorating this journals outer covering looks to be from another time and place.
On opening, the first page reads... These are the personal accounts and wanderings of Lavender Cecilia Morgan.
Tuesday, 23 April 2019
Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Why I even exist any more. Seems like every time I TRY and do something right I inevitably mess it all up. Ended up hurting a friend, got accused of trying to sabotage their happiness, which couldn't be more wrong. I know what it is like to be lonely, I know what it is like to feel like you may never find someone who makes you smile, laugh, or just feel... important again. So why would I purposely hinder someone else having that? I envy them, yes. But not to the point of trying to take it away from them. Sometimes I wish, I never came to Valorn, maybe I could have figured things out where I was. But, I know I would have died there, and not the kind of death adventures know, but one as a villager would know. But even then... sometimes I feel as if I am dying here too, a little at a time. Seems every time I am around people I make things worse for them. Makes stronger my belief I am better off alone.
Lavender 21:57 - Link
Saturday, 13 April 2019
Been a long time since I've been able to put ink to my thoughts, nice to do so again. Not much has happened to me anyway. Life goes on much the same. Still as alone as I've been, still having found no one who touches my heart. I guess I've become so use to it I seem unapproachable now to people. Though I've gotten to where I don't care anyway, most who try to catch my attention are children and I want someone who can stand beside me, not an idol worshiper. Sometimes I wonder if that is wanting too much. But I would rather be alone then with someone I can't have a conversation with because they simply agree with what I say, because I say it. I find I truly am better off alone, and I have made peace with it. But my smile comes naturally now which is nice to find joy again.
Lavender 20:13 - Link
Monday, 19 March 2018
Today is a day I feel my smile is a fracade, I smile, I laugh, but feel no joy in the motion. I feel empty...perhaps I've been zombiefied to many times and have had more taken from me then just my body... even if it is reformed. Perhaps I am tired...or perhaps, seeing smiling couples makes me bitter, I do so envy them. That for me is worse then anything demon, god, or being has done to me. Such a simple, innocent, sweet thing, makes me so very sad, reminds me how alone I am.
Lavender 21:53 - Link
Saturday, 10 March 2018
Fear? I think all fear has vanished in the light of recent personal events. A gentleman I've always had a crush on, but always assumed he was taken. Said he's always been a fan of mine. To be honest that to me was at first odd..a fan? Why would anyone be my fan? But I've got butterflies in my stomach...and I can't seem to stop smiling. The future may be brighter then I thought.
Lavender 08:29 - Link
Thursday, 08 March 2018
My mild fear have deepened. But I think they have more to do with my own past mistakes, then truely being frightened by this being..Or perhaps I fear what he seems to repersent ...death. And not the kind the Life Monuments can bring one back from. All this is speculation, for I am feeling inadequate and uncertain about everything in my life. But regardless of feeling, I will stand and fight when the time comes. And my aim will be true.
Lavender 09:27 - Link
Wednesday, 07 March 2018
Thank goodness for others. If not for someone other then myself seeing something similar to my own experience, then I might have thought my mind had finally snapped. So thankful for Cody, he believes me sight unseen himself. I have no clue who or what this new entity is, but I do know it is cruel and loves to kill us, despite the fact we come back to fight again. I will admit to being frightened but fear will not stop me from doing what I must to protect my home, and my friends. Only time will tell now what may come.
Lavender 08:15 - Link
Friday, 02 March 2018
Woke this day, feeling as if I couldn't breathe. Tears stinging my eyes unshed. No idea what brought them there...I feel barren and more alone then ever. I wander the realm like a restless spirit that can't go back to living and can't move on to what comes next.
Lavender 15:10 - Link
Tuesday, 13 February 2018
So much in life seems to be on repeat. I feel as if I am stuck in a bog, not looking back...but not moving forward. Just... Stuck... eternally alone.
Lavender 23:26 - Link
Sunday, 14 January 2018
Been talking a lot to a friend of mine, he's so sweet, and caring...yet I've no indication he wants anything more then helping a.friend feel better.. I may be falling for him, why does the whole idea of love now terrify me. I don't want to run, no desire what so ever there...but I am scared to open my heart, what if there is only more pain? Even I know my own advice...one can not be open to love with the vulnerability to pain. But it is supposed to be worth it!....But is it?....On another note, all desire to run, even the desire to farm...gone. Now replaced with...I am lucky IF I move! Why am I such a contrasting spirit, jumping from one end of the spectrum to the other?
Lavender 16:11 - Link
Thursday, 07 December 2017
I now understand why I returned to hunting like I did in times I should have been learning to stay still, for what is a once shy girl suppose to return to when her mind wanders. I did not truly make friends until I was around my 52nd level of training... before that ALL I DID was hunt. Something that long standing, that ingrained in ones habits takes... forever to change. Perhaps now that I have learned to do so my life can truly begin, yet at times I feel so alone, like I've pushed away so many that there is no possibility to end the loneliness. Or perhaps my mind wanders down dark paths too much.
Lavender 21:49 - Link