A beautifully bound leather book the ornate and gold-edging decorating this journals outer covering looks to be from another time and place.
On opening, the first page reads... These are the personal accounts and wanderings of Lavender Cecilia Morgan.
Sunday, 14 January 2018
Been talking a lot to a friend of mine, he's so sweet, and caring...yet I've no indication he wants anything more then helping a.friend feel better.. I may be falling for him, why does the whole idea of love now terrify me. I don't want to run, no desire what so ever there...but I am scared to open my heart, what if there is only more pain? Even I know my own advice...one can not be open to love with the vulnerability to pain. But it is supposed to be worth it!....But is it?....On another note, all desire to run, even the desire to farm...gone. Now replaced with...I am lucky IF I move! Why am I such a contrasting spirit, jumping from one end of the spectrum to the other?
Lavender 16:11 - Link
Thursday, 07 December 2017
I now understand why I returned to hunting like I did in times I should have been learning to stay still, for what is a once shy girl suppose to return to when her mind wanders. I did not truly make friends until I was around my 52nd level of training... before that ALL I DID was hunt. Something that long standing, that ingrained in ones habits takes... forever to change. Perhaps now that I have learned to do so my life can truly begin, yet at times I feel so alone, like I've pushed away so many that there is no possibility to end the loneliness. Or perhaps my mind wanders down dark paths too much.
Lavender 21:49 - Link
Tuesday, 14 November 2017
It is amazing how light and free I feel now, finally free of the burden of guilt over past mistakes... Makes me feel almost giddy. The past couple of turns have finally allowed me to completely forgive myself a great many past mistakes. I am still scared what I may find in this new beginning I've awoken to. But, at least I am now ready to try.
Lavender 08:02 - Link
Sunday, 12 November 2017
Was asked by friends who have returned to Valorn what they had missed, so starting at what they remembered I went through and told, what I knew, everything even my own sorry role in some of it... the good, and the bad. They looked at me like... I was this amazing person... gods if I only felt that way. Instead I feel so insignificant, so.. small. I've been through a lot... I know. And I guess some could have only made it though HALF... if they were lucky.. of what life has dealt me. I should feel strong and confident, yet I feel frail and weak. Rarely do people see beyond the confidence I portray to the world, to ashamed of my own weakness to let it be seen. For now I rest often. Always watching the world around me.
Lavender 18:26 - Link
Wednesday, 08 November 2017
In the absence of all the Fall Festivities fun, my life once again turns quiet, and lonely. Sometimes I wonder... should I have take Jobe up on his offer so long ago.. Or should I just pretend to be happy with one of the gentlemen that try so hard to get close to me..knowing it would not be fair to either of us.. just to end this agonizing loneliness and hole in my life? No... my pride and my heart demands more... for them and for myself, so I sit and look to the horizon, to ashamed of my past now to go hunt.. even the thought of hunting to plat farm makes me physically ill. I go to the inn occasionally and sit there.. or I go to one of my favorite spots in Caernivale and sit and watch the oceans ebb and flow. SOME times it's sound soothes my spirit. But most the time I find myself swinging away the marcs.. and dreaming of a life I fear I will never have.
Lavender 23:22 - Link
Monday, 06 November 2017
I got to keep that black orchid. What a lovely thing it is too but, I think my favorite thing of this Fall Festival was that I got to help in one of the games! Raffe created the idea of a portal game, where three were cast and the caster ran through one at random, then everyone had to follow. IF they chose the right portal they would find the enchanter on the other side... if not they had to make their way back to Dundee and wait for the next game. Slowly I lost people in my portals but eventually came down to one person at the end. Out of three rounds the chasers had two winners, and I had lost EVERYONE on the last round!! Casting so many portals in such a short period of time was completely draining, took nearly the entire next turn to regain my strength, but it was SO worth it! I would so play again!
Lavender 12:36 - Link
Sunday, 29 October 2017
Fall Festival has started and after finding a LOT of bandito's for others I finally found one of my own. Got a portal dweller costume, which I find quite ironic being an enchanter. So I decided to go sit in the Nexus and see what fun could ensue when a wind started blowing.. and a lovely Black Orchid like no flower I have ever seen in Valorn, blew in and landed before me. What a lovely surprise! By far my favorite find of this Fall Festival, and it found me!
Lavender 12:36 - Link
Friday, 13 October 2017
Again I reflect upon my life, I smile at some memories, yet the same happy memory makes me sad all the same for what was lost. How I wish, I could go back and do some things over, to find the courage I needed before. Oh to make different, better choices. But alas I can only long for what might have been had I not been such a fool. The memories, and the love of the friends I still have are all that sustain me. Recent events while making me sad again for what once was, perhaps also give me a glimmer of hope. Perhaps I am not as lost as I feel. Perhaps since I've made peace, I will find happiness once again, I hope so. Only this time I won't be scared. I've stopped running, and I've found my way home again, perhaps now my path will lead me to where I want to be. Only time will tell.
Lavender 12:17 - Link
Thursday, 12 October 2017
Ah... a bonding of a friend.. such a joyful time, yet one that is bittersweet for me as well. I do so enjoy seeing my friends so filled with love, joy, and hope. Yet... seeing it makes me feel like I am a terrible person, because while on the one side I am overjoyed at their happiness, at the same time I feel all the more isolated, hopeless, and alone. Is there something wrong with me?...
Lavender 15:27 - Link
Sunday, 01 October 2017
Of late I try to roam... more out of habit...I make it usually as far as Milltown and I turn around and go home again the habit of running or roaming is certainly gone.. for which I am glad. For a LONG time I stayed away from my guild hall home, scared I guess of the memories it invokes. But finally about half a cycle back I went home... and now it is like my feet have taken root and I can not make myself leave again. It feels so good to be home, where I belong instead of one of my many wandering spots. Love them though I do, and I am sure I will visit them again especially the balcony of Caernivale, by far my most visited spot. But for now I am home. No more do I wander or roam. No more do I worry where I am suppose to be... who I am suppose to be. I am content to be where I am, and who I am. I have grown use to my own company and expect nothing from no one and I suppose I have been lost so long no one expects anything from me either. I look forward to the changing of the season. The Fall Festival is fast approaching and I look forward to it's festivities once more.
Lavender 21:35 - Link