A beautifully bound leather book the ornate and gold-edging decorating this journals outer covering looks to be from another time and place.
On opening, the first page reads... These are the personal accounts and wanderings of Lavender Cecilia Morgan.
Sunday, 10 November 2019
It was a peaceful turn, a friend took me out for a bit of fun, sledding, made me redo the first sled down the hill because I didn't yell like I was instructed to do. It was a great release, I know there is bound to be a purpose for all this pain I bring upon myself, I just wish it would hurry up and make sense so I can move on to a happier time. I know I am strong enough to not settle for more then my dreams, even if they may never come true, it is still a good dream to chase, but I need to figure out what I want, but every time I think I've figured things out... It goes spiraling out of control again.
Lavender 22:27 - Link
Wednesday, 06 November 2019
*page is covered in wet spots* Why do I torment myself? I've dreamed of being bonded since I was a child, yet every opportunity I've had to do so, I screw it up! Why? I wish I could just be happy like other bonded people. Every time I am asked I end up panicking and running off, only once... Did I not run immediately... Did that before and after though with him. So technically EVERYTIME. Even I don't understand my reactions... How can I make them understand when I don't? It is sad when you can't give yourself what you most desire! Is it because of my parents example? Is it because my first potential bondmate that my parents chose was an evil man? I wish I knew, but I feel like I am broken...so broken, and I may never be like others.
Lavender 11:27 - Link
Friday, 26 July 2019
So there I was enjoying the garden we dedicated to the gods, and I was filling Taven in on events he'd missed with the bronze god Drakon, and the happenings surrounding him, leading to the creation of the garden in what was once the demolished glass building. And I felt the presence of the gods smiling down on me. I may not be a cleric, but that whole situation helped me grow, and proved that one doesn't have to be a cleric to follow the gods and honor them. Though I did not use the blessing they bestowed upon me at that time, because I chose to spend that time with Taven. I knew then that they were pleased by the work I helped create with the gardens I now regularly enjoy, and the knowledge of that filled me with joy.
Lavender 14:52 - Link
Saturday, 20 July 2019
I am in tears, happy tears. He waited for me, though I ran from him, he waited patiently for me to be ready. And now, for the second time in my life, I have someone by my side who makes me happy. He knows my past, he accepts it, and the challenge it might present knowing my past tendance to run from every guy who tries to get close. He said he believes I'm worth it, something I guess I needed to hear. Because it is something I have never believed of myself. And to make things better today is the start of Summerfaire! So looking forward to what the season has to bring.
Lavender 15:26 - Link
Tuesday, 23 April 2019
Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Why I even exist any more. Seems like every time I TRY and do something right I inevitably mess it all up. Ended up hurting a friend, got accused of trying to sabotage their happiness, which couldn't be more wrong. I know what it is like to be lonely, I know what it is like to feel like you may never find someone who makes you smile, laugh, or just feel... important again. So why would I purposely hinder someone else having that? I envy them, yes. But not to the point of trying to take it away from them. Sometimes I wish, I never came to Valorn, maybe I could have figured things out where I was. But, I know I would have died there, and not the kind of death adventures know, but one as a villager would know. But even then... sometimes I feel as if I am dying here too, a little at a time. Seems every time I am around people I make things worse for them. Makes stronger my belief I am better off alone.
Lavender 21:57 - Link
Saturday, 13 April 2019
Been a long time since I've been able to put ink to my thoughts, nice to do so again. Not much has happened to me anyway. Life goes on much the same. Still as alone as I've been, still having found no one who touches my heart. I guess I've become so use to it I seem unapproachable now to people. Though I've gotten to where I don't care anyway, most who try to catch my attention are children and I want someone who can stand beside me, not an idol worshiper. Sometimes I wonder if that is wanting too much. But I would rather be alone then with someone I can't have a conversation with because they simply agree with what I say, because I say it. I find I truly am better off alone, and I have made peace with it. But my smile comes naturally now which is nice to find joy again.
Lavender 20:13 - Link
Monday, 19 March 2018
Today is a day I feel my smile is a fracade, I smile, I laugh, but feel no joy in the motion. I feel empty...perhaps I've been zombiefied to many times and have had more taken from me then just my body... even if it is reformed. Perhaps I am tired...or perhaps, seeing smiling couples makes me bitter, I do so envy them. That for me is worse then anything demon, god, or being has done to me. Such a simple, innocent, sweet thing, makes me so very sad, reminds me how alone I am.
Lavender 21:53 - Link
Saturday, 10 March 2018
Fear? I think all fear has vanished in the light of recent personal events. A gentleman I've always had a crush on, but always assumed he was taken. Said he's always been a fan of mine. To be honest that to me was at first odd..a fan? Why would anyone be my fan? But I've got butterflies in my stomach...and I can't seem to stop smiling. The future may be brighter then I thought.
Lavender 08:29 - Link
Thursday, 08 March 2018
My mild fear have deepened. But I think they have more to do with my own past mistakes, then truely being frightened by this being..Or perhaps I fear what he seems to repersent ...death. And not the kind the Life Monuments can bring one back from. All this is speculation, for I am feeling inadequate and uncertain about everything in my life. But regardless of feeling, I will stand and fight when the time comes. And my aim will be true.
Lavender 09:27 - Link
Wednesday, 07 March 2018
Thank goodness for others. If not for someone other then myself seeing something similar to my own experience, then I might have thought my mind had finally snapped. So thankful for Cody, he believes me sight unseen himself. I have no clue who or what this new entity is, but I do know it is cruel and loves to kill us, despite the fact we come back to fight again. I will admit to being frightened but fear will not stop me from doing what I must to protect my home, and my friends. Only time will tell now what may come.
Lavender 08:15 - Link