A beautifully bound leather book the ornate and gold-edging decorating this journals outer covering looks to be from another time and place. Several pages are stuffed inside the book as if she will not write on the actual book. Upon opening, the first added page reads... These are the personal accounts and wanderings of Lavender Cecilia Morgan.
Friday, 25 September 2020
It is so odd to no longer have a home, and at first it was really hard to know I could no longer go home, because I no longer belonged there. But now it is a relief to no longer feel like I am a pariah, or like my very existence there would make another uncomfortable enough to never wake. And while I will miss some there, they are still my friends. But perhaps now I can find where I belong, a home where I feel welcomed and loved.
Lavender 17:55 - Link
Saturday, 29 August 2020
Why does it not surprise me that I would mess up my own life so much. It makes little difference now, I lost so much due to my own foolishness. I honestly wonder if I know any difference then to mess things up for myself, or if I can even tell the difference between what is good and right and what isn't. Perhaps things are how they are suppose to be anyway.
Lavender 22:00 - Link
Life is so confusing sometimes, you think you are in a nice conversation even joking with a person.. then they twist your words to mean something you never intended.. it's like getting a sword driven in your heart. My head throbs... up seems to be down, down seems to be up lately, my head spins. So tired of feeling confused, of being made to feel bad for things I didn't say. Thankful to have someone to talk to at least that cares, that makes me feel wanted, even when I feel confused and like I am stuck in a cyclone with the rest of my life.
Lavender 13:02 - Link
Thursday, 20 August 2020
As howling winds sweep past moon bathed meres, echoes of howls pierce the night. Twinkling lights in entwine their ribbony veil across a baron night sky. The wretching cries born of sorrow seeps into my soul, searing it's depths. Joy and happiness all but forgotten amid the torrent tide, drowning one beneath it's waves, all but washing away the memory of happiness. Awaiting the small moments of joy that brighten the darkness with their light... Blindingly like a comet across the sky all but blacking out those twinkling stars leaving behind a darkness void of light til the blindness fades to show small twinkles of simple joys again.
Lavender 15:17 - Link
Sunday, 16 August 2020
I miss my cabin so much right now, even if it is no longer home for me. Wish I could be more decisive with my thoughts and actions. But the peace I feel still tells me that this time I made the right choice, for now.
Lavender 16:32 - Link
Friday, 07 August 2020
Why is it no matter what I do, what I say, who I am with.. I always feel like I am lost, or drowning. Will anywhere ever be safe? Be home? Some days I think I'd be better off if the gods didn't resurrect me at my monument..then I will no longer feel this way, no longer feel like nothing I do is right. I find that feeling of not being enough, not feeling like I'm worth anything is worse when people get close to me. Perhaps that is why I push them away, so I don't have to feel like I am worthless. I know it isn't their fault... It is inside of me, so deeply rooted it may never be undone. I know I'm loved, and I know how to love.. I guess, in my own way, but it never seems to be enough, like I'm, not enough.
Lavender 15:35 - Link
Wednesday, 05 August 2020
Who am I? I realize now why I struggle with my own decisions and the decisions of others. Because, I am either ALL IN, or I am ALL OUT. There can be no in between, I do not function well with in between. Which is why I find it hard to let people close, or let them go. Because once I decide I am all in then I am ALL IN for the long haul even if I struggle with figuring out relationships, I do the best I can. It is not like I have good examples to go by on how relationships work. My parents were never around to follow as an example, and those they employed kept their relationships out of sight of those of us they worked for, so I never knew what to expect, what was expected of me other then running a household, or even how to maintain more then a friendship.. this is something I am learning now, as I go. Not sure I will ever get it completely right, I've been hurt, and I've hurt others, all while learning from each. Hopefully one day what I do will be close enough to right that the one that loves me will overlook my flaws.
Lavender 16:12 - Link
Saturday, 01 August 2020
I think I finally understand why being with someone has always been so hard for me, why I look for validation in whomever I was with, and yet no matter what they said I couldn't see it. Because I never believed that I was worth it, their time, their devotion, their love, and even though they tried to show me how much they cared, I didn't understand, I couldn't see it myself, and because I didn't love myself I though they would eventually grow tired of me, or forget whatever it was they saw in me in the first place, so I pushed them away. I'm going to try.. to be better, to see what they see in myself, I pray I can get better.. that perhaps I too can find happiness after all this time.
Lavender 17:17 - Link
Well I did it, something I thought I'd never do, never wanted to do... I left the only home I've really known since coming to the lands.. I miss my cabin, I miss hearing my guild kin, not that they spoke much lately. But at the same time, I haven't felt this peaceful in.. ever. I should have done this a long time ago.. yet even with that peace I want to cry too. I've no clue what my path holds, where I will go. But, it will be an adventure and I know, I am never alone. For now I am staying in a couple close friends guild hall. One said I could, the other... Would probably burst at the seams if he knew I was here.. I can vision him now... Silly bunny.
Lavender 00:05 - Link
Tuesday, 28 July 2020
I finally had enough and had to make a change in my life, for my own well-being, only I've never felt more exposed. No going back now.
Lavender 23:55 - Link
Tuesday, 21 July 2020
I'm so confused and yet so happy too! Seems I've been forgiven.. have I really had what I was looking for all along?
Lavender 19:23 - Link
Sunday, 19 July 2020
Why? Why do I allow myself to fall in love? Why do I trust my heart when it always ends up with me being hurt?
Lavender 22:02 - Link
Saturday, 04 July 2020
Why is it a girl can not be melancholy without the notice of others? What's worse is I got called out by the Wold Crier. It doesn't help I seem to have a new suitor... why is it guys seem to think my being kind is a form of flirting? I miss someone very, very much, I think about them all the time, despite being told numerous times to move on.. as if I haven't tried. I have genuinely liked all the guys I have dated, and it is obvious I do not want to be alone. But I am not certain I will be able to settle, the guys I see deserve more then I can give it seems. Doesn't help that the one I am currently trying to see is rarely around.. perhaps if he were things could change, he at least understood missing someone else.
Lavender 12:50 - Link
Friday, 19 June 2020
It seems my impulsive nature will always get me in trouble. Will I ever learn? Perhaps I would have been better off if I'd never picked up a sword, never opened my mouth and given my opinion, never tried to do what I believe is right because seems everytime I do, I'm wrong. What's wrong with me?
Lavender 19:26 - Link
Sunday, 31 May 2020
There are days when I feel nothing I do is right, nothing I do is good enough. I say what's on my mind someone gets mad and I then wish I'd kept my mouth shut. I try and do what I believe is right and end up agonizing over it for several turns because I invariably make the wrong choice.. seems to be something I will never stop doing... Learning by making all the wrong choices in life first. Will my life ever be simple?
Lavender 15:59 - Link
Monday, 25 May 2020
Imagine my surprise when I got ready to leave.. and after waking out of my cabin to see a quilt I created drift from my pack, I in a panic ran back into my cabin thinking I had dropped it, and didn't want it lost to time as somethings are... only to find it neatly spread out on my bed. Then the goddess Magistra Kailani graced my humble cabin with her presence. She explained that she loved my quilt and thought it would be lovely on my bed for all to see! A lovely place for it to be indeed. Such an honor to have a goddess in my home. Though I hadn't the heart to tell her I rarely have visitors. Who knows what the future holds. I certainly didn't expect a visitor of the godly kind this turn... or any turn in fact. Perhaps I should invite people over more oft?...
Lavender 20:00 - Link
Monday, 27 April 2020
Well, the crown has gone on its way though I do not know where it has gone. I sit here at the pond, my mind wandering as it tends to do sadly my thoughts are not good ones as I yet again ponder my existence, and why I feel cursed to feel rejected or alone no matter who I am with or where I go. Why does my own mind hurt me so?
Lavender 11:17 - Link
Wednesday, 15 April 2020
I can't believe it, I've had the Enchanted Crown of Munificence for half a cycle, and it seems every time, thanks to the crown, that the crier announces my un-jerkness... someone asks me who was calling me a jerk! It is amusing and so very, very sweet that others rush to defend me in such a way. I enjoy being helpful, I am glad people see me as someone they can trust. I am glad I've learned to trust myself again. I feel... whole. I've never felt this way before in my life, and no person gave that to me, do I like being alone.. no. But I also know I have to trust my heart, my morals, and my beliefs.
Lavender 15:46 - Link
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Monday, 13 April 2020
Will this feeling, this longing ever go away?
Lavender 17:24 - Link
Tuesday, 07 April 2020
I would rather die knowing I gave this world my best, than to live and know I didn't.
Lavender 14:19 - Link
Sunday, 05 April 2020
I knew some people's dislike of athority around Valorn. But today I came face to face with animosity as there was no Iron Order to take command and I was the highest adventure awake to take care of Abayde's toys and minions, as I and a couple others were doing well though it was tough. Then I had an adventurer be down right rude running around spawning more zombies over running the town with small ones just because they can run past them, not caring that the towns people and smaller adventurers can not. Not caring that there is an order and plan in place for this. And when I asked him to stay still so we could dwindle down the numbers he basically told me off preferring to do his own thing, making the task of those actually fighting this correctly more difficult as he would draw away zombies someone was working on and have it double up making the next spot harder for them. Some people never learn that sometimes you have to work together.
Lavender 20:49 - Link
Thursday, 02 April 2020
It was a very interesting turn last turn. The gods decided to charge us for every death! Then proceeded to kill us in many different ways! As well as an invasion of reapers that were nearly impossible to kill. Despite this I fought as hard as I could, though it was interesting to compare deaths with other adventurers. At the end of the turn we found the gods were playing a joke on us all... I was exhausted, and nearly passed out standing up. But my energies were renewed as the Crown of Munificence came to me. I've never worn a crown before! Low was not pleased the crown left him to come to me. I doubt it will stay long, but it is still an honor to be allowed it's presence for a time.
Lavender 17:21 - Link
Monday, 09 March 2020
I feel like an utter failure this turn, I was left for a moment in charge of dispersing people for the assault Abayde had launched on us, and I went utterly blank... had to pass the task of getting things taken care of to another, because I had to sleep for a marc or two. I can't even say how embarrassed I am, I wanted to prove myself to be capable as I've done with raids in the past but I feel I've only managed to discouraged myself.
Lavender 18:15 - Link
Sunday, 08 March 2020
Despite my earlier trepidation, I find myself blushing and laughing more then I have in a long time. And I have to say this is the first guy I've liked since my first love that got my best friends approval. For the first time in a long while the future doesn't seem bleak and lonely.
Lavender 23:04 - Link
Saturday, 29 February 2020
I'm scared, I was getting so comfortable with how things were. I look forward to seeing him everyday. But then he mentioned he is looking forward to the day we may be bonded. He has yet to even say he loves me, and honestly I'm not even sure if what I feel is love. And as for bonding..what do I know of bondings? My parents were never around to show me an example, and because of this I had no idea how to be a bondmate and in that place what I did know of them had nothing to do with love, only duty, pass on wealth, titles and such. I had such dreams of bonding for love.. and I adored my first bondmate but once we were bonded I had no clue what to do... how to be a bondmate...sadly still dont. And because of how things happened.. it was almost as forced as my parents had tried... but we were trapped none the less... And while I was at first thrilled... He wasn't and I didn't know how to handle that, so I ran... now my own failings with my one and only bonding left me confused, hurt, and scared to try again. Will he understand that for me.. bonding is not a continuation of love as it is for so many?
Lavender 22:49 - Link
Winters Warming is done, it was lovely while it lasted. I do so love the season in all it's beauty, watching the snow shimmer on the ground in the rifters light. But with the close of Winters Warming something interesting happened.. a new goddess came down from the rifter to mingle among us mortals. Another purple goddess... like Kane was. I wonder who's side she is on, she seems to be a benevolent goddess, though it is strange I feel as if I've felt her presence before.. as if she was watching before she fully let herself known to us. I shall be watching to see what the goddess Magistra Kailani has in store for us mortals. And on another note, though probably a corny one, winter was certainly warmer for me this year, since I've found myself no longer alone.
Lavender 10:28 - Link
Sunday, 23 February 2020
Tiberius has not been my only companion of late, my poor bear is probably glad for the respite. It is nice to not be alone, it is nice also to know he doesn't expect anything from me right now other then company, and his company keeps the chill of winter away as his flattery flutters my heart and causes me to blush. Perhaps there is hope for the future, but I refuse to dream of a future right now. Too many times now have I done so only to have it crumble before ever being close to fullfilled. One turn at a time, I refuse to think beyond that. Perhaps the fog..has lifted.
Lavender 22:47 - Link
Wednesday, 19 February 2020
A memory was pulled from my mind today... but not a memory if that makes any sense. More a feeling... a search that is never fulfilled.
Lavender 21:00 - Link
Saturday, 08 February 2020
It is not often that someone surprises me. Usually I can read someones intentions before they plan to do something.. but tonight I found myself completely taken by surprise, more then once.. by the same person! I hope it happens again.
Lavender 23:33 - Link
Wednesday, 22 January 2020
I remember once telling someone that being around them calmed the storm that raged inside my mind, and one day them telling me I would have to find my own calm. It's been many turns since I finally found it, an acceptance that calmed everything in side my mind, heart, and soul. It's been a long time coming but I'm glad I've finally found it, perhaps now I can truly live again.
Lavender 21:55 - Link