A beautiful book of ornate and gold-edging. On the first page in elegant script is simply the name ~ Lavender Cecilia Morgan
Wednesday, 14 November 2018
A longtime friend of mine has returned to the lands. I was so happy to see him I practically launched myself at him! He took it in stride and scooped me up for a BIG hug and spun me in a circle. He is so delightfully different from the rest of the people of the world, he outshines many of the men and even some of the women! And his presence brings back a memory of him asking for my hand before I was with the one I pined over and dreamed of being with because I was already IN Love. Makes me wonder, had I said yes to him, could I have stopped a world of pain for both me and the one I loved? Did he somehow know the road I traveled would end the way it did? Ah, but that is impossible to know for sure what the future holds. And it wouldn't have been fair for this glamorous one, to be bonded to one who didn't give him her full heart. So I said no. A life with him would have been as easy as breathing. But he never tied my stomach in knots being around him, the love I've always felt for him was always a friendly love, not a romantic. But life is seldom easy or fair.
Friday, 09 November 2018
So the very next turn the smooth-talking man who got close to me has already said his good-bye. I am not upset by his departure for he told me he was going to go. I did not expect it to be so soon, I was thinking perhaps a quarter cycle, not two turns. Still his words and the sweetness in which he treated me still makes me smile. Made me remember what it was like to be loved. Made me hopeful for the future.... for now. When the sweetness of his kisses wears off, and the warm of his arms fades, will this feeling last? Or will it fade leaving me a bitter spinster once again? I suppose only time will tell, but for now, it makes me smile.
Thursday, 08 November 2018
I am glad I have no coin, I refuse to be part of some ghosts game, or curse, whichever it is. On another note, while the person who made me blush again will be leaving soon. He told me from the beginning he was leaving again. And that is okay because then I knew there were no promises, no expectations. Yet his kisses linger on my lips still, and the sweet taste of romance that I've not had in a long, long time shall keep me warm on the cold nights ahead for... a while.
Wednesday, 07 November 2018
One turn, one! Of finally letting the past go completely, and I find I am blushing like a child again! Was fate simply waiting for me?
Something has been working inside my head over the past several months, years...seems to have finally be coming to a completion.. or at least I hope that is what this feeling means. I feel more at peace then, I have ever known in my life. It is like the fretters that bound me have fallen off! The pain, the regret, the fear..is gone, the future could hold such, possibilities. And all because I finally decided to just let it go. It was so easy, I blindly clung to what I should have let go a long time ago. I feel new, free. I'm happy for no other reason than I choose to be. A smile barely leaves my lips when at one time it was hard to feel any emotions. The feeling is leaves my head spinning like flying from a cannon spirals you through the air.
Tuesday, 06 November 2018
New things are happening, a new place to explore. I got lost or died every time I went in there, and I could feel the old feeling again. The desire to practically live there until I figure it out. I WON'T do that again. I won't obsess over this. Best I just stay away, let others smarter and more clearheaded then I take care of it. Unless I am needed. If called I won't hesitate to answer, of course, I will protect my friends. But it is best for my own mental state, I will have no part in the discoveries for now.
Monday, 05 November 2018
I miss the warmth of a smile that looks at me with tenderness. I miss how it made me feel protected and loved. Life is so unfair sometimes. Yet I know most of my woes I brought on myself. I am sure had I allowed any number of guys who are taken by my beauty to get close they perhaps could have at least been a warm place to cuddle in these cold days to come. But that would have been unfair if I couldn't give the someone I loved what he needed, then how can I do that for others who have no piece of my heart? How could I love another when for so long, I've hated myself. So many people see the calm I exude in battle and admire it, yet they never see the battle in my soul. To truly be loved by someone has always been my wish. I try and let people in, and they push their ideas of how I should act on me, causing me to close myself off to them, I had enough of that growing up, a lady never runs, a lady never cries in public, a lady never shows emotion life has to seem as if it is perfect. Such rubbish. Why has hunting been so easy, yet finding what I want most in the world is kept from me. Life is unfair, everything has been a struggle for me. Always the wrong choices, always taking the incorrect path, only to find pain, or feel foolish. Other then the loneliness that seems to have penitrated my life, I've changed. I find I smile easier, I've no more obsessiveness over things. I can look back at the past without fear or pain, though sometimes the longing for what might have been can still be overwhelming. Perhaps in time it too will fade. I've forgiven myself of the past yet, it still tries occasionally to drown me, yet it's bitter teeth are losing their bite. I am no longer bitter when I see others in love, though I still envy them but wish them well. Perhaps one day I too will again taste loves sweetness.
Sunday, 28 October 2018
So far Fall Festival is wonderful. I've found a costume that is quite a bit of fun to play. Being around people so much is nice, but helping others find tokens brings me the greatest joy, to see their joy.
Tuesday, 23 October 2018
Tonight I miss being held. Cuddling in the warmth of a fire to ward off the chill in the air. And while I have Tiberius he is not the same as a person who can talk back and has actual warmth. It is days like this I miss being with someone even more, and my mind goes back to the time I had it, and my stomach hurts again. I don't believe I was meant to be alone. Yet, I fear that is all I have known for most my life, and the one time I wasn't, while I loved having someone to come home to, I had trouble adjusting to not being alone. And yes, I have family, friends, and some would say I'm never alone... And I love them all..I still feel, alone.
Thursday, 18 October 2018
Something screaming inside my head
Can you hear it or am I dead?
Seeking solace I can not find,
And wondering if I am simply blind.
Running, looking everywhere
yet the comfort I seek is nowhere.
Wandering along as if a daze,
Trying to live life in this haze.
Stumbling, falling, crying too,
Wondering if I will pull through.
Lonely even in a crowd,
Yet hoping not to allude,
To the loneliness that is always there,
Even if I seem without care.