A beautiful book of ornate and gold-edging, this journals outer covering looks to be from another time and place. Upon opening there is a lot of unidentified writing in what seems another language not known to the adventures of Valorn. But tucked within the book, leaflets of pages not part of the book; begins writings of one who is not the original author of the book. In the center of the first added pages the newer writer identifies themselves in flowing, elegant script; "I, Lavender Cecilia Morgan, leave my tale among the words of another, no book should go unused when it was bound with a purpose to be written in. I hope one day to have the mystery of the wonderful, yet strange writings here to be translated. but till then, leave my own among it."
Saturday, 30 June 2018
This turn was a good one, I almost felt whole again. Alas.. still alone as ever I was. Always dreaming of love.. a dream I shall hold on to, as I always have. Even if.. it should, as sometimes seems, it remains only a dream. I felt the desire to dance again, even dancing alone there was passion in the movements, joy, freedom. I surprisingly even had the.. audacity to run through the fields of the Worldbuilder Lawn, alone, barefoot.. just to feel the grass tickle my feet. I've not given up that the future has something wonderful in store for me. After all the pain, confusion, loss.. how can good, love, life.. not be there.. somewhere. Ah.. if only it could find me while this feeling last. Before the despair again grips my heart in it's talons. If only..
Lavender 22:42 - Link
Saturday, 23 June 2018
Time is supposed to heal all wounds. Then why is it I feel like my wounds are still festering. I hate being alone. My heart hurts more with every turn that I am. Will I ever be alright? Will I ever find someone to share my life with. A guy who will knows that I need him in my life, that his arms are my home, my place to heal when the troubles of the world become too much. I've been without that for so long the weights feels it is going to crush me. Yet I've no choice but to trudge on. Will I ever find someone who will heal the broken parts of me? Since though to the world it may seem I am fine, I've gotten good at pretending. At one time, I ran from guys.. especially the one I wanted to be closest to. I've FINALLY stopped running and now guys run from me. I swear I am cursed, and even with all my knowledge of magic, this one eludes me.
Lavender 15:50 - Link
Monday, 18 June 2018
Today loneliness threatens to drown me again. For short period of times a friend of mine lures me from the darkness by asking me to dance. I have always loved dancing. It is in that time that my mind is quiet and I simply enjoy the elegant sway of movement. It is a lovely thing, dance. The only thing that would make it better would be to be in the arms of someone I love, that loved me. But alas that seems to be my curse, to never connect that way to another. Some days I wonder if death would be better then remaining alone. But to let myself die because of that is to me a cowards way. And I am no longer a coward. So I will trudge on each day... alone. Well, while never fully alone. I have many friends, family, those I love dearly and would never leave. Still I long for the embrace of the love, I can not find.
Lavender 11:22 - Link
Friday, 08 June 2018
Today on the day of all days I can not help but look back. I know I probably shouldn't, but it's not every day a girl is bonded. And while it did not last, I am grateful for it none the less. Looking back makes me smile, I was a different person then. And while I've made mistakes, and while at times I miss what I had hoped could of been. I know things happen for a reason, life has changed me since then. I've grown, and while I still have not found anything close to what I felt then, I know one day I will. So for today I will look back and smile at what was, as I also look forward to what I hope to eventually find...one day when it is right I will know.
Lavender 14:47 - Link
Wednesday, 06 June 2018
A season of fond memories is near, and while it makes me smile looking back. It also makes me sad. An old crone once asked me what I wished, a wish I never made. Because it is one magic can not grant, matter how powerful. My wish would be that my heart would be open to love, true love, the kind of relationship where I can finally be the person I wanted to be, but failed last time. I've grown, I've changed, no longer the scared little girl who didn't truly understand, that was ever shown what love could be. I hate being alone especially in this season, when regret overwhelms me once again. I am not so good at hiding my feelings, so though I know I shouldn't, I'll hide myself away, and hope I spare anyone else my melancholy. I have tried to find someone I could love, I still have not, and it is not right to pretend to love someone just so I wouldn't be alone. Why is it so hard, finding love? Starting to truly believe I am not meant to, and, perhaps I never was.
Lavender 00:19 - Link
Wednesday, 30 May 2018
You know I hear the saying, you have to learn from your past, there is a reason it is past. But all I've ever done it seems is run from mine. For so long, even at times I though I could stop, then still ran from something else that scared me. It is time I stop being scared, everyone looks at me and believes I am so brave because I am well learned in my arts, knowledge isn't the absents of fear. Time I learn there are more important things then fear. Friends... family... perhaps maybe one day I will find the one thing I want yet fear more then all.. love. Why I fear love I don't understand but it is the only explanation that makes any since on my still being alone. I am tired of running. Tired of being alone, tired of being scared. Recently, I feel renewed. It is hard to explain, but in finally getting a space that is mine, and mine alone.. yes odd not wanting to be alone, yet that is apparently what I needed to find myself again. I feel good. I fear tendrils, yet I would never imagine of letting that fear stop me from fighting one, why did I let this one define me me for so long? Good bye fear. I just worry I've said no to all the good men in my life. I want someone I can stand by in a fight and in life.. not someone who looks up to me as someone they revere.. is that really too much to ask?
Lavender 17:15 - Link
Tuesday, 29 May 2018
I actually ventured forth from my cabin today, tried to farm some. Did not last more then three marcs this time. And STILL, I can not ever last farming more then six marcs before I have to stop because I get nauseated, and that is IF I even make a full six marcs! Was told I probably still associate farming now with my past mistakes and that is keeping me from being able to so. More truth to that then I care to admit, but I have no clue how to make it go away. Why does my life have to be so confusing and difficult. Thankful for my cabin. My home within my home guild, never has any place felt so right to me. I love being there, yet I am scared to let people into it because I don't want to create memories with others that might taint the peace, if that even makes any sense.
Lavender 20:06 - Link
Monday, 21 May 2018
Had the most delightful surprise today! Cody said my cabin was ready. So nice to have a place that is completely my own! To hide in when I need to rejuvenate my spirit and mind, and not have to worry about intruding on anyone else.
Lavender 18:28 - Link
Saturday, 12 May 2018
Sometimes I feel so alone. But seems in those times, somehow someone senses my feelings and I will have a note, someone just saying hi and seeing how I am. Reminds me that even though I am not in a relationship, I do still have a great many friends that care. Sometimes that is enough, and other times it is enough to hold on to, to get me through the loneliness or sadness that occasionally overwhelms me. I can not even begin to express how grateful I am for my friends and those I call family.
Lavender 00:18 - Link
Sunday, 15 April 2018
Why does it seem like the one thing you want is the very thing you can not find. Dreamed I was being held, safe in the arms of someone who truly loved me, and that I finally felt I loved, only to wake and find it was a lie and wept. Why am I so broken that I can not find love...Everytime I think there is a possibility, I quickly find I am wrong and the loneliness grows, even surrounded by friends and those I consider family..it grows.
Lavender 21:47 - Link