I've changed, life has changed. I no longer know who I am. I know my name and I know my past, but the past couple of years I've lived in a blur trapped behind a fake smile and a cheerfulness I could not escape. A cheerfulness that ended up making me unable to see that the one I cared for the most in this world needed me, and I was not there for him. It's like, the true me was asleep for a very long time, or trapped somewhere inside my own head, only sweet memories of those I love sustained me, kept me fighting... myself. Finally I wake to find the life I hoped I would have is gone. I'm no longer the person I was... and in truth I don't know who I am now. I feel so lost, and because of my being lost for so long, I've lost my heart. I feel so empty inside now... like perhaps I should have stayed in the shadows of my mind, protected from this pain. But here I am awake, and more tired and empty then I have ever known one could feel. So many days now I wake, and look up at what's around me and almost wish I had not woken at all. What is there to fight for now? What is there to live for? Life no longer has meaning for me.. so I hunt. And I pray. Tis all I can do until I find the path meant for me now that I feel I've lost everything. I know I still have my guild family, I know they are there for me, but it is so hard to feel any enthusiasm for anything now. I can only pray the future has something better for me, hard to believe in anything, I almost walked away from my guild family, I've considered walking from my path as a cleric, just to find a new path to walk, perhaps I am a coward because I can't, or perhaps I am brave because I decided to stay where I am and as I am, now if I could only find WHO I am again. But so hard to do that as alone as I feel. I know it will take time, and I refuse to rush into anything now. Some days I am just numb, other days it's hard to breath as I grieve the life I wanted that is no longer available to me. The future, so uncertain.