Hearing his voice i actually thought i was dreaming. It was a voice i didn't expect to hear nor will i ever forget. I rushed to Kamada hearing him but stopped dead in my tracks seeing such a frail figure before me. Was it really him? How could he get in such a frail state? Where my eyes playing tricks on me? Is he a figment of my mind playing tricks on me?

As i walked to him he spoke ever so softly his voice weakened but it was him. I couldn't help but take him into my arms assuring him he was and would be ok. I healed what physical wounds I could; I made sure he was bathed and in clean clothes - although they didn't fit. . As well as a proper meal. Though he didn't eat much.

In the process of healing his wounds I noticed he still wears the ring I gave him so many years ago. As I looked him over I also caught a glimpse of a tattoo. One that is very familiar to me. The more time I spend with him the more I realize he still holds me in his heart as much as I held him. Though I am leery on letting that show to much.

Seeing him gain his strength and his personality back probably heals me as much as it does him. Seeing him thrive once again has done my spirit more good then even I realized it would.

His words once he regained his strength have been tender as always and to be honest I have to really think perhaps he has always meant to be there for me. My heart races for him at sight or simply hearing him. A feeling I have never truly felt for another. I also have never felt so relaxed and at ease with someone as I do with him. Hearing him call me his "Goddess of this mortal realm" has set in motion more then I ever expected. Do I dare let myself think I can have this simply life of happiness with him? 

As of late I have found myself taking more time with my friends and enjoying their company. In doing so I have learned to relax allowing me to pick up a few of my older habits. One particular friend has even found a way to help me let down my guard.

I have had a chance to reconnect with a dear friend. One that I have always cared for and enjoyed talking too him. The time talking and reminiscing as well as catching up has given me much to look forward to and even more joy in just the simple things.

A comment was made that I needed fixed. That being Prim and proper was not the "Kass" he knew. Not his "Kass". And as I start to let me walls slowly fall and allow myself to return to how I once was more and more of those close to me are seeing and saying the same. They all want the "old Kassa" back. Did I really change that much? Did I honestly loose who I was to the point that it was so noticeable to those around me?

As the cycles pass I have realized perhaps I am not as important to some as I thought I was or as they are to me. I spent much time walking the beach on Euthican. Letting the waves help me focus and think. I can't deny that I am drawn to the water i could feel the waves lap at my feet for marcs on end.

Does he still care? The doubt has surfaced and has caused me great turmoil. Turmoil enough to doubt my very thoughts and actions. I have yet again had my heart broken, drained of what was left of it. Fear of failing again. Am I worthy of what was once given? Am I worthy of the friends and family i have? Does he even know what he has done to me or care? All these are questions that have been running though my head. I do know I am once again guarded those walls from the past stacked higher then I am tall.

One thing I know for sure I need to find me. I need to get back to who I am and what I stand for. Pour myself back into the young and give my heart to helping others as I once did. Give myself a chance to see my worth again and what I once so enjoyed. I shall make it my purpose once again.

As for my dilemma I think it is best to move on and see where life takes me. Surely I am not all that bad. No Matter what it is time to take my life into my hands and live it.

I sit here in the garden once again. A garden I turn too while lost in my thoughts often times when I am personally soul searching. Looking around me at the flowers and plants blooming with life and ready to take in the new day. Letting a few last final tears fall for a past that I am leaving behind. Allowing myself a moment of sorrow to let go of what once was. Looking forward I see the happiness I longed for, that I am told I deserve. A happiness that was always there, only hidden behind a door I had once closed to open another.

I have accepted that fate likes to throw things my way to test my endurance and will to thrive. Though I felt like I was falling into an endless abyss. I found I was only falling into these loving arms that wrap around me and remind me what I can accomplish and be. Those same loving arms hold firmly on protecting me from further pain while I hear the whispers telling me all will be fine. Not only from him but from those that I love around me.

Though my past will always be a part of me, it helped form me into the caring, loving and enthusiastic young lady I have become. The scars formed my insecurities and a deep will of over coming what lies before me. I promised him this. I will be at his side through anything we have thrown at us and will be his best friend and much more though it all. The worst of pasts we have both faced have created the best future that lays before us.

Was it fate or just an illusion of the stars. That deep voice runs loose in my thoughts constantly. "Our stars just weren't meant to be."
I will be okay. I wished them well and hope they can find what they both are looking for and need.
"A series of failures does not make me one." That is what a friend told me. "Cherish who you are and what you have become. Those failures and the wicked past you faced and over came made you who you are today." Those words are so true the more I think of them.
I sit on the beach once again contemplating what it is I want and wish for. Letting the waves lap at my feet and the mist in the air touch my skin and face. Washing away what it can.
A gentle voice of encouragement to come from my seclusion. A hug to hold me while my thoughts went dark. A nudge to make me laugh and the ever welcome smile to brighten my day when I least expected it.
He had been a friend through this all. One that I can lean on, scream, cry and even just sit there with him letting my mind wonder. I don't deserve his friendship I am sure many have said. But yet here he is before me a companion in mind and heart. He had always just wanted me happy and to see me smile. Now he works again to do just that. The smiles and laughter are starting to come easier at times. Now to just allow myself that happiness others say I deserve.
I returned a gift once given to me. A promise so to say that he would always be there for me. A simple bracelet yet the meaning behind it was far from that. A promise to always be there in a time of need. To allow the other to help you when your down and pick you back up. I promise this and so much more to him now. He knows I still am not ready to declare myself to him. But he knows my words are true and that I do care for him. I will allow and cherish the healing words and time he is giving me so freely.

Relaxing with Kenji has been a nice change of pace. Recently he asked me to close my eyes to accept a gift he had for me. After feeling him place something around my neck I opened my eyes to see an Amulet of Fate hanging there.

Fate that is what this all is. Kenji so softly walked into my life when I first arrived in Valorn. He took me under his care and taught me so much. Then he vanished. Not one word on where he went or when or if he would ever return. I moved on and accept that my dear friend needed his space. I then one day I seen him in Dundee. I about fainted seeing him standing there as If he had never left. I rushed to his side to check on him. I filled him in on my life and he filled me in on his.
Things happened and we found each other with another. We accepted this and followed on with that path.
the
One day out of the blue he asked for some quiet time to talk. Stepping away we spent time talking in which he declared his love for me. I sat there just staring at him. Shock and confusion. The man I have always longed for has finally told me his true feelings. I took time to consider what was being asked and what was at stake. I accepted his love after talking with Matt.

It might not always be a easy path. But love is not meant to be easy nor is it meant to be taken for granted. I will cherish this man for all times. He has opened up so much and I have been able to share they true me with him. A side of me I have hidden from all.

Fate has put a wonderful man in my life and I will forever find a way to show him how much he means to me. A true love that has finally come to pass and is allowed to flourish with love and dedication this love will be ever growing.

This gift is a treasure nourished and cared for before he placed it so willingly around my neck. Fate yes this Amulet is a perfect fit for what has transpired in my life recently. A life I am looking forward to exploring and learning more about.

I knew someday it would have to end
I knew eventually I would have to go back to calling you friend
It's killing me that now that day has come
If it's for the best then where is this pain from
I know deep inside that this is what we had to do
but it's breaking my heart to walk away from you
I'm trying my best to appear strong
but it's hard when part of me says that in your arms is where I belong
I still love you with all my heart
that's not going to change even though we're apart

There are so many of our special times I'm going to miss
All the words I ever said or wrote still hold true
But for now from a distance is where I'll be loving you
I think you need me as a friend to help you through
because there are things I can't control that are hurting you
Maybe we will be together again if it was meant to be
but for now please don't stop loving me
Even though I'm not your girl I'll still be here
With a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear
The story of love can be quicker than the blink of an eye
But our story it won't be over until the day that we die
Until We Meet Again

A past of sorrow and pain, back to haunt my dreams and life. Was it a dream or did I actually face him down. None the less if it was real or imaginary I found the courage I needed to face my demon from the past. Yes I used that phrase because to me that is what he is and was. I stood before him demanding an answer and saying my piece. My hands balled into fists, my form stiff and rigid yet i screamed and yelled relented to the anger I felt for him. I stood my ground and made it known he no longer has a claim on me, nor a hold he could grasp onto. Finally I walked away. My life might now come to be my own undaunted by a tortured past.

Nothing more then friends
that is what we were
or so we thought.
we spoke often with encouragement
the more we spoke
the more we got to see
who we were to each other
we seen past the fears
and seen our hopes
we seen past the sorrow
and seen our dreams
a simple delicate smile
could give such joy
a heart felt laugh
would brighten the day
soon we sought time together
to talk and explore
where little we knew
over time it turned to more
is it a blessing or a spell
we will never know
but together we are happy
just as we were as friends.

Intrigued, bewildered, nerve wracking and exciting all describes yesterday. I was a bundle of nerves walking into that Temple. Speaking quietly with Kathryan I was trying to get answers. Matt and Viviyana was at my side. Shamson soon arrived and said we could clean the site. But to leave the temple for a cleansing ceremony. After a few more words with him I excused myself Confident that I could get this task done. Then the attacks happened. Obviously they did not want us cleaning. So Shamson made his way out into the city and asked to speak with us cleaning. Heading back to the temple we all was asked to stop cleaning for he feared for our safety. The queen then showed Asking about Tylandara. Shamson said the she was being dealt with and the council would decide her punishment for the actions she played in saving the Queen. The queen asked several questions then said she would be back to see Tylandra in a quarter-cycle.

An attack on Aldwythe's Landing happen at first it seemed a normal event then it turned quickly into a huge attack. The battle waged on many having to tie themselves to the monument there to avoid the Ferryman issue. I blessed and healed so many. Finally all was cleared and we could take our peace.

Alone time with Matt. That is what I needed and to be honest actually wanted. It has been a long time nice since I actually desired to be alone with another to actually talk and not feel like I was intruding on their time. We was both exhausted and we feel asleep talking with each other. Just talking something so small, but it says so much, and gives so much at the same time.

I keep pinching myself to see if he is a dream. I do have to watch myself to not get swept off my feet. He has a way with words and I find myself drawn to those and his mannerisms. Time will tell. I am terrified but at the same time I am excited.

For now we will get to know each other and enjoy what we have currently.