The past few turns have been wonderful. I don’t know where to begin. I have a partner and am a guild officer. I don’t know which one is better or more important. Ophelia being awake would make things perfect, but I suppose we can’t have it all. And it’s okay. Ophelia should return when she is able, when she hears the call of the hunt once more and longing for past companions becomes impossible to brush aside.

Last turn, Morvan and I went to the jewelry shop in Ryndall. I wanted to exchange rings. No, we are not being bonded. (Yet.) I just wanted, needed, something solid that I could touch and always wear without it getting in the way too much. He asked me which one I wanted, but I told him he should pick something that means something to him. Admittedly, I was hoping he wouldn’t get me a friendship ring. That would have been disappointing. I know we’re friends, but you know, that could apply to a lot of people. I thought maybe he’d get me a Ring of Hope to match his, and that would have been all right. What I wasn’t expecting was to get a diamond.

I think diamonds, and sometimes garnets, are used as bonding rings. But I was pretty sure he didn’t mean it in that way. Far too soon. But when I asked him why he chose that one, he didn’t rightly know. It just intuitively felt right. Diamonds are hard and sharp, valuable and rare, special. Did he mean to compare me to such a stone? Now I’m just being arrogant. How could I even think that? But intuition just isn’t a satisfying answer, I suppose, even if it’s the truth.

Bibi says there’s "no such thing as 'just a ring.'" I argued that I’ve given friends rings. But she got me when she asked if I ever gave friends a diamond ring.

I’m happy to have something people are noticing. I’ve never gotten a diamond ring from anyone before, so it’s unique to him. He’s the first and hopefully the last to have any need to give one. I gave him a promise ring to express loyalty to him and seriousness about us.

After Morvan and I parted ways, I met with Apolla and gave her a Ring of Hope. I thought with our guild newly created, it was a good time to express such a sentiment and a show of friendship as well. I gave a similar ring to Ophelia long ago, for similar reasons. I hoped she would become mighty and well-known, become a fine Rogue. And I think she has.

I met up with Bibi later and she gave me spring candy, which I enjoyed. She and Lillya also helped me fill one of my violets. I took crystals to the lockpick machine and got another unique component. So I need one more item to hopefully complete the set.

A few turns ago, Apolla, Morvan and I officially registered our new guild with the VGA. We’re still waiting on a decision for whether we can remain operational, which is a little worrying. However, I think we planned well and I like what we stand for - honorable conduct and balance, an attempt to embrace passion and rationality, holding neither above or below but valuing both.

Apolla gathered 20,000 plat in record time. I was already sitting on a fair amount of coin from years of hunting. So together, we came up with the funds for the registration.

Apolla said I keep her calm enough to think and she helps me to have the courage to do and try, to risk. I hate risks. But there are some opportunities one simply cannot allow to slip by. Becoming a guild founder and asking Morvan to be my partner again are things Apolla helped to facilitate. I told her and Morvan that if I were alone, I’d never find the courage to try for what I want.

Perhaps Azure, Lucius, and Ophelia were the ones that gave me strength and love before, the ones I depended on. Now I have my new guildkin, and possibly Bibi. These valued people were a part of my past, too. They’ve just become the support I’ve always needed now. It's as Morvan said; the past may be gone, but we make new friends and new plans and it is well to remember the past but also look to the future in hope. I did choose well. He is wise and makes me a better person, I hope.

So I did it. I asked him. Took me long enough to get the words out. I froze up for a bit. How do you ask, bluntly, if someone still cares for you romantically? Further, how would you take the devastation if he said no?

He waited, patiently. He seemed genuinely concerned that I was hurting. No, he *was* genuinely concerned. That is who he is. Compassionate, honorable, kind.

And when I finally managed to ask, as specifically as I could bear, that I meant him and me, it was my turn to wait. I just knew the answer would be unfavorable with that kind of silence.

But then, he laughed, gentle and quiet, the one that makes me melt and lose coherence. He laughed and I swear I heard a hint of teasing when he replied that it *could* happen.

It never occurred to me to wonder about that silence. I was sure my face had lit up with joy. Why I didn’t hug him immediately, I don’t know. Instead, I prattled on about the existence of many other women and why was I special? Well, he and I were the same. It never felt quite right. By that, I mean I’ve never found another man I could speak to so easily, never found the right combination of physical and mental stimulation. It’s been years, years we were apart, and seeing him again, it was like we never were. I’m pretty sure I mentioned this before, but the feelings I thought had gone cold…They were only sleeping. Because really, I never stopped caring.

Now I have a second chance, and this time, I mean to take better care of it. I won’t throw it away just because I’m lonely in the moment. We are together again after long separation and heartache. I can think of no one else I’d rather be with.

Raw mushrooms are dangerous. This in itself isn’t news. Of course, people shouldn’t be eating unfamiliar mushrooms as a rule. It’s the manner in which you can be killed by the ones I heard about a few turns ago that’s alarming. According to Hojo and Zanaan, some mushrooms harbor vicious parasites that destroy you from the inside and then explode out of your chest. It sounds incredibly gory and absolutely disgusting. Doyle and Achelle, however, assured me that if they are thoroughly boiled first, there is nothing to fear from them. And the mushrooms from the grocer are perfectly safe.

I wish Morvan would wake more often. It gets rather lonely without him. I’d love to hunt in the Dead Zone with him one day, or some other place in which we can both keep our skills sharp. I’d like to revisit the Cave of Night with him, or visit the N’rolav tombs together. I don’t know if he’d like it down there, but I do. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Maybe we’ve both changed too much to try again. Apolla says I should talk to him, though, that I should try. I know she’s right. Lucius would have told me to do the same. But I’m afraid of the answer I’ll get. Still, I might feel marginally more at ease if I knew for sure. If only I could find the courage. But I have to. I can’t live this way.

This was a good turn. This one and the last one.

Last turn, I found three crystals. That’s uncommon. Found a brown, violet, and a red. My browns and violet went into the lockpick machine this turn and I have six different components now. One more glowie and I’ll take them to the knowledge machine. Probably will get gibberish, though.

I awoke in time for a party the Ridder sponsored. It was at the Dundee Inn. There were potent drinks, gift kits, moving snowmen, and intelligent socks. I couldn’t help with the socks but did manage to get a gift kit. I signed the gift and gave it to Valya, who said it was a pair of green socks. Morvan ended up giving me green socks at that party, too. I asked Valya in a note if the gods were trying to tell me something because we three all got the same colored socks. She’d laughed and said that we were all connected, which is a nice thing to remember.

Achelle, Cenny, and Threnody gave me gifts, too. I got gray and purple socks from Achelle and Cenny and an Amulet of Fate from Threnody. I’ve been wanting an amulet so am very pleased. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with so many pairs of socks. They’re not too heavy, though, so I suppose I will carry them for now.

This turn was the closing ceremony for Frost Fall. It was held in the beautiful flower garden of the caer. The atmosphere was casual, relaxed, and friendly. I only wish Morvan had been there, especially seeing so many couples exchanging lanterns and holding hands while watching them light up the sky. I was jealous.

I did get to light a lantern for Ophelia. I was happy to see her name on it. I lit one for Lucius, too. I hope both of them are happy and will return one day. They are always going to be special to me. I didn’t see a lantern for Azure. How she slipped my mind, I don’t know. I remembered too late, though. I’d have lit one for Morvan, too, but Burendi already did. So I lit two lanterns for myself. I made two wishes. I hope they come true.

I hate to say it, but I think I have to leave RoK. A place that used to feel safe and warm is now a source of discontent and distance. I’ve been away a while and the guild is naturally different, but I don’t feel comfortable being myself anymore. I feel like a stranger in my own home and that’s never a good sign. I guess the difference is that when I’ve gone away before and come back to RoK, I felt like I’d just slotted into a place held for me. This time, I can’t quite fit right. I cannot carry on in a place where I can no longer speak my mind plainly and publicly. I’ve sent notes to my friends telling them of my plans. I hope I will not lose them. I also hope I can find a new home.

RoK was good to me. Very good to me. I’m sorry I can’t stay but it’s the way it has to be. I begin to understand now why Lucius might have left the Vanguard. Sometimes it happens that the guild situation is no longer comfortable, whether because of people or policies.

On the positive side, I did get to see Morvan again to discuss my leaving. He understands where I’m coming from, having recently returned himself. It’s good to know I’m not alone in feeling out of place. But I told him I don’t expect him to leave with me and we can still meet no matter what happens.

I love how I feel around him, how he seems to make me a better person. I just torture myself. Every time we embrace, it’s so good and yet I want more. But I can’t say anything. Even if this time, he was the one who asked. And he just has to have that hair that begs to be played with. Okay, okay. I’d better stop.

About three turns ago, Morvan and I met to open the gift I gave him. I figured since Burendi gave me something to open, I should do it for someone else. And yes, I wanted an excuse to meet. Turned out to be green socks. Totally the wrong color, and yet, somehow, it was perfect. Like wrongness was right.

He found a way to get me blue socks. He won’t say how, but I definitely appreciate them. Was starting to become envious of everyone else’s socks. They are just as comfortable and warm as they look. I was so happy I skipped around the room and grabbed his hand when he flung out an arm to help me to stop safely. It was a good turn.

As far as my ongoing crystal hunting, I have one red and one brown so far. Going to try to accumulate a few of each before taking them to the respective machines.

Until next time.

So it appears I’ve returned to adventuring in time for Frost Fall. I’m pleased. I always love the special foods and drinks. I defeated a snowman and got a gift kit. I also splurged and got a tasty cinnamon roll. So sticky and sweet and soft. Perhaps it is Valorn’s answer to the sweetroll, but then, they should make it all year round. Unless they already do. It could be that it was introduced while I was away. The hot chocolate is also a favorite. It is very different from nectar but warm and rich and just so cheerful. It certainly makes me happier. Also, Burendi, a new guild brother, gave me a gift to open. Turned out to be a silver coin. I have two now, and both were gifts.

I’m pleased to report that I successfully enchanted my falcata. I’ve been storing it in my vault until the mood struck to get the necessary scrolls. I hoped against hope I would read them correctly or else I’d have had to arrange to get another sword. I’ve been wanting to modify it for some time but was always afraid something would go wrong. I don’t plan to fiddle with it anymore, though. I think I’ve pushed my luck enough. I thought to myself that rather than hoard the rare scrolls, I should do something just for me. That was last turn.

Perhaps my unusual courage came about because I was still on a high from getting to speak to Morvan two turns ago. Yes, you heard that right. The same Warrior who stole my heart so long ago. He went away a long time and I began to think he’d never return. But I couldn’t really blame him. It was probably partly my fault, anyway. I hurt him. He wasn’t awake too much and I got lonely and decided I couldn’t live like that and ended our courtship. While he’s been away, I admit to looking at other men and even being attracted to some. But seeing Morvan again, I realize why I never did anything about such crushes. When we parted before, I was sad. I still cared for him romantically. Seeing him again rekindled that attraction, at least in me. It is just like it was then. I wanted so much to run my fingers through his ponytail, lay my hand on his arm, play with his fingers. Instead, I settled for a warm embrace and sitting beside him. My heart yearns for what we once had, but since I was the one to ruin it, I cannot presume he would be willing to risk anything with me or even that he’d feel the same way after so long. And while I was a little nervous at first, I found it so easy to talk to him, just like before. It was part of my attraction to him, the ease with which I could speak my mind and open my heart. Lucius was the only other man I can say I had a similar rapport with, but that was a more familial relationship. Ah well. I suppose I will just have to enjoy his company and keep quiet. But I don’t think I’ll be successful. One day, I will likely not be able to take not knowing or will slip up and be obvious. I can barely take it now, which is why I’m writing it down. It’s just my luck he is attracted to some other woman, anyway.

In other news, RoK has a new member, Valya. She was inducted last turn and Iso was made an officer. The ceremony was…more casual than I am used to this time around. We joked and teased and played off each other. I prefer the solemnity of ceremonies past, but Valya seems like a good woman who’s sure of the family she’s chosen.

Two turns ago, I attended a soup making contest. I didn’t participate. I’m no cook. But the cooks let us sample their creations. Isolde’s was dubious. Didn’t have the courage to try it. Cenny’s seemed interesting until I heard there was korunga in it. I like korungas well enough, but in a soup? Llyewell’s looked appealing, but she left as soon as the contest closed. Not a fan of pumpkin, and I believe Pallas, Elly, and Topaz utilized it in their soups. I can’t remember or didn’t see what the others made. I was shocked Achelle refused to allow someone to sample her soup, but I suppose I understand about the discomfort of sharing with strangers. I’m sure the spoons were clean, but oh well.

Saw Wyf inhale Topaz’s soup. That was surprising, too. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone eat that way. Plus, the soup was probably very hot. It was fresh out of the pot. But it was pretty cute to see them together. I can’t explain it. Topaz smiling at him, elbowing in the side and possibly bruising herself in the process, offering him his own bowl. It was just sweet.

Isolde and Sehdae were entertaining. Clearly, they were just winging the soup and weren’t sure what they were doing. But there was strange talk of putting candy and chocolate in that made me smile. I don’t think that actually happened, thankfully.

I couldn’t keep up with the flurry of activity, but I got to try Apolla’s headless hen soup. It was quite good. Savory, and a nice creamy feel going down.

Ended up getting frostbitten due to a sudden snowstorm. Fortunately, since the contest was on Worldbuilder Lawn, home was close by. Curled up in bed with some nice hot chocolate and took a nap. No lasting harm.

And I think that’s everything noteworthy in the past few turns that I’ve been back.

"Oh, sweet nectar. How I’ve missed you."

Such was my thought when I saw it on the menu of the "Ethucan" restaurant on Kilican. It’s still ridiculously expensive, even if it’s imported, but I wanted to drink it so badly that for once, I bought it. At any rate, it’s not like six gold really makes a difference anymore. I remember a time when it did, but now, one grazer cloak more than covers it. And taking that first sip was so worth it. I’m just glad Thorne already got me fish. A plat is a bit steep for it, even if I love it. I notice there aren’t any baked goods in the restaurant. Perhaps that is strategic. Just as well. Wouldn’t want to spend a few gold just for one sweetroll.

I was on Kilican to get more Master Lockpick parts. I’m glad Emmy told me browns and violets can both be used. That gives more options, thankfully, since primitives don’t seem to be that easy to come by these days. Used to be the market was flooded with them. They went from 30 plat apiece, often far less, to 250 or so now. I heard of a time when teleport scrolls were much cheaper, too. Under a hundred plat. Now they are at least 600. Treasure boxes are far too expensive as well. 3000 plat just for a shell necklace? Not taking that risk. I understand item rarity must be taken into account when pricing, but primitives are not only used for profession-specific quests and teleports are needed just for safety reasons. When you aren’t an Enchanter and can no longer forge a Weapon of Salvation, I consider those scrolls essential. With the demonic fire blocking a very important road, even more so. Certain scrolls, like weightlessness, light, and the ones for improving ourselves should be expensive. In my view, they are completely optional. The Scepter of Morning Light and crystalline shard should also be expensive, even though they are required for quests, simply for sheer rarity. But ingots, primitives, and teleports priced as they are just feels like greed to me, since as a lower-level adventurer, I remember collecting them in preparation for weapon forging over my entire training time. Barely had room in my vault for anything else.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I have three Lockpick components. I understand I need ten. Emmy says it took her a long time to get her last piece. I like having some goal to work on.

Syn says the Ryndall life monument has been restored. Happened within the past few turns, maybe even last turn. I can’t be sure. I don’t even know how it broke, but Syn says it was failing when Ryndall was attacked and totally malfunctioned when rubble blocking the portal was moved. I wonder if Azeraphel had anything to do with the restoration.

Speaking of Azeraphel, I now have the dubious pleasure of his acquaintance. A few turns ago, a group of us were tasked with defending the Archmage as he attempted to destroy the portal in the Rogue tunnels. Clerics were busily tending to him as well. The portal was clearly of dark origin. The Archmage had an evil-looking book, which he consulted to presumably find and deal with it. From snippets I’ve been hearing, that book originally belonged to someone or something called the Diaconus, who was killed by the teamwork of several adventurers. Trell got his book and staff, which Azeraphel took possession of. This Diaconus also reportedly attacked Kenji and destroyed the Shieldwall forge in the process.

At any rate, as Azeraphel got closer and closer to the portal, something was attacking him, slicing him open and even making him bleed internally. He was coughing up blood and terribly weakened. It got to a point he could barely stand. It was just heartbreaking. I wanted to help but I’m no Cleric. Honestly, I felt rather useless on the expedition. Enchanters and Clerics blessed us and Warriors held their own against some very strong opposition, like a demon rock titan. I got some strikes in but honestly, I had to retreat more than I fought. At one point, I even lost Azeraphel because with everyone running this way and that, I got left behind. Maybe the book itself, the one the Archmage was consulting, was the thing demanding the blood. Wouldn’t surprise me. But Azeraphel did manage to successfully destroy the portal and damage the bronze webbing in the tunnel walls. There is something important about that webbing, about the fact it is bronze. Azeraphel seemed afraid when Kade mentioned seeing it on his way to the portal. In the end, Azeraphel teleported away when the portal exploded. I hope he survived and did not eventually succumb to his wounds.

Going back to Kade, we got to hear the story of how he found the portal in the first place. He somehow stumbled on a winding tunnel and at the end was a giant creature with arms like tree trunks and wearing plate armor. When Kade defeated it, he found a key, which I think the Queen has now. Presumably, the key unlocked the portal that went to the Nexus.

I was not, however, happy about how Azeraphel treated Kade or the rest of us. But especially Kade. Azeraphel called him "thief," which immediately angered me. Rogues are not thieves. Given that Azeraphel clearly considered us cannon fodder and scarcely worth his attention, I assumed he was being his usual charming self and privately wondered why we should bother helping him at all. But we were already committed to the task and Azeraphel was sufficiently intimidating that I didn’t dare snap at him directly.

I even began an argument with Syn over the credibility of the claim. Syn was saying the assessment was accurate, that Kade did indeed steal from the Nexus, regardless of who put him up to it. He wanted to sell the items to someone else, and I kept thinking that perhaps there were extenuating circumstances for what he did. It’s not just what a person does but why they do it that matters. I got angry at Syn, thinking she was taking Azeraphel’s side and not being fair. Syn seemed to be frustrated with me because I was arguing about a fact that was already established. I fumed inwardly throughout the rest of the expedition.

In speaking with Kade afterward, however, he confirmed that he did indeed steal from the Nexus. He was proud, too, or so it seemed to me. I have to say if I somehow got to the Nexus and didn’t know if I’d ever return, I’d be tempted to steal things, too. Souvenirs, you know. And what’s the harm in making a bit more money? I told Syn that to me, the Nexus is just a place, like the grasslands or even the tunnels. But she speaks of it as though it’s our guild hall, our home. I just can’t relate. It’s not even like the stolen items were really valuable. Regardless of the fact that what Kade did was wrong, however, Azeraphel was downright intolerable and abusive to us adventurers generally, and that was wrong, too.

The thought that nags at me is that there was a portal in the tunnels, but portals are two-way. The tunnel portal was destroyed, but what if there are evils in the Nexus? Secret ways were hidden to us in the tunnels until Azeraphel revealed them. Couldn’t the same thing be happening in the Nexus? Someone made that portal in the tunnels. But the Nexus should be checked, too. Unless it already has been and I’m missing something again.

Four turns ago, the Iron Order held an informational meeting in the caer great hall. Doyle was presiding. He went over attack terminology, the way reporting should be done, and the chain of command. Hojo mentioned we should get to the nearest civilization when reporting so that we are easily kept track of, rather than standing on a cliff in the middle of nowhere waiting for the next task. The throne room is the headquarters for large scale attacks, multiple raids on multiple locations. The Queen was at the meeting, too. She told us we have to begin to think of ourselves as one body and that she hopes her more frequent visits with us have made her more approachable. There was talk of keeping lists of Enchanters who have at least eight portals, but I don’t know how that would be coordinated. Would be a lot of effort to keep track of each individual Enchanter’s spells and keep it current, unless it were a list the Enchanters themselves could edit as necessary. In cases where no Order members are available, people should just deal with the raids as they can and file a report with one of the Order to keep them informed of what they missed. Reporting should be done in the form role (scout, defender, or lookout), place, threat (kinds of creatures), and the status of the raid.

About seven turns ago, I spoke to Hojo and Learyn about the Gates of the Many. It’s been an eventful several cycles and it’ll clearly take a while to get caught up. I heard the Ni Shrubbery was planted in remembrance of those slain in Milltown in connection with the gates. Last I saw, the bush appears to be ailing. Maybe it is connected with the raids that happened about nine turns ago in that region.

I met the Queen last turn. The crier mentioned royal guards outside the inn. I was already far from there, running to the usual Dead Zone hunting ground. So I was a tad put out that I had to retrace my steps, but Tusonee did buy me a waterskin, which helped, and Syn and Sig showed up later.

We learned a bit about the portal to the Nexus in the Rogue tunnels, that Kade had taken and returned some items and that the person who wanted those items wished to resell them. Kade gave money to Ryndall in recompense and that’s that, but we still have to find the portal, presumably so the Nexus isn’t looted or tampered with. We wouldn’t want what happened to the Ethucan Enchanters to happen here.

The Queen was very kind. I had no idea what to do with myself, how I was supposed to behave. So I was direct, albeit awkward. Her Majesty didn’t seem to mind, though. She smiled gently and said it was nice meeting a new face. Syn stood by me part of the time, so that helped. I retreated back to the guild table afterward, grinning happily.

This turn, I heard from Iso that the Queen was recently abducted and tortured in Balthazar’s fortress. Such a gentle person doesn’t deserve that. People found her held in a cage of shadows and managed to free her. I heard the fighting was intense. I’m glad I didn’t know about this last turn. Otherwise, it might have been more awkward still to meet her.

I found an orange and a violet in my hunting so far. Things are looking up. Don’t know where I’m going to get all the primitives I’ll need, though. The bazaar has them, but they’re ridiculously expensive. Well, I’ll worry about that when I have a few violets.

Continuing the dragonfire story, Syn was called away and left. It was okay. We were pretty much done with our meeting.

Low took her place. I hadn’t seen him for a while, so it was nice to talk to him. He told me not to touch the dragon, that it would steal memories. I was amused. I told him it was too late, that I’d already touched it, but that I got a little something for doing so. He asked what it was and I showed him the lilly. He asked if the dragon really gave it to me. I said I wasn’t sure but I liked to think so. He decided that since he’s seen inanimate objects come to life, he figured it wasn’t so farfetched after all.

I miss seeing Low and Bibi together. When I was in their guild, they were always entertaining. Thinking about it, it’s still amazing that Bibi and I are friends. We’re so different. Viv reminds me of Bibi, actually. I think those two would like each other. They’d probably also either cause or get into a lot of trouble. Add Low and who knows what might happen.

After meeting Low, I went off to begin hunting violets for a Master Lockpick. I still haven’t found one, but I do have an orange glowie, so that’s nice. I appreciate opportunities for scrolls, certainly.

In the course of my hunt, which was surprisingly easy to find a rhythm to, I was confronted by a Rotting Iron Knight. I had just assumed they were new creatures that lived in the Dead Zone. It seemed a fitting place for them and I had been gone a long time. I am not sure who the corrupted Knight resembled. Since I was already in a battle mindset, I was just attacking whatever attacked me. It was also late at night. When I defeated it, I found a die in its place. I have seen others carrying them and wondered where they came from. That item certainly was not available when I was last in Valorn. Thorne told me they were sold by some merchant. When I told Purazon I was attacked by the Knight, he did not seem surprised. He said the evil Knights are not confined to the Dead Zone and that he himself has been attacked by them just walking around, and even in the throne room. I think I’d have been more frightened if I wasn’t already fighting, and if I’d been attacked somewhere I thought was safe. The Knight was more disturbing than scary. I’m moving more carefully now, though. I was fortunate the Knight that carried the die didn’t kill me, but I’m taking it as a warning, given they are mobile and unpredictable.

Yesterday, I finally met Thorne in person. He brought me fish and a roundloaf, still new. The fish was even still warm. I was elated. I have so missed those foods. I’d told him a few turns ago that I loved those things, but Ethucan cuisine is prohibitively expensive in Valorn. Talk about making a good impression. We clasped hands and welcomed each other home. It is a meeting I will not soon forget. He reminds me of Lucius, too, a lot. Just something about the formality, his manner of speaking. He went off to fight and I went to the inn. Syn was kind enough to alert me to activity there. I stayed for a while and then left for a nap.

Joy and Akassa sent greetings. I also spoke with Achelle. She is frustrated that she has to train in N’rolav Bran but has no easy way to get there. I think I was frustrating her because I didn’t readily understand. She said it was tough to get there and I was thinking you can come from Fartown or tie to the Altitan monument or use a teleport scroll or the cannon. However, if you don’t wish to die just for the sake of travel, I can see how not having options like Rogues and Enchanters do could indeed be annoying. And teleports are much more expensive than lockpicks.

Oh, and I yelled at my guildkin a few days ago. I happened on a small group talking near the little dragon on my way to hunt. Lillya, Tusonee, Syn, and Bris. Come to find they’d been there for marcs and were discussing dragons. I would have liked the option of listening in, at least. It was not a private meeting or they would not have held it there. The majority of the group, including me, were RoK members. So I didn’t understand why no one had the courtesy to broadcast the impromptu gathering, seeing as they’d been there a long time. It just made me feel like maybe I’m not that important. I know it wasn’t a personal thing. It’s not like anyone was thinking, "Yeah, let’s not say anything because we don’t want Nari here." It just hurt, especially because since I had the dragonfire lilly, I could have been included.

I’m probably taking this too personally. I like RoK and want it to be my home. I like the people, I feel comfortable with the officers and Purazon, and the renovations to our hall are going well. But I don’t yet feel at home there. I don’t yet feel that it is a place I am passionate about defending. And I want it to be.

Well, I know what will make me feel better. Horror hunting.

After the ink dried on my last update, I remembered something I didn’t mention. When I returned to adventuring, the gods blessed me with their favor. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make proper use of the boost in mental and physical acumen. I was too far away from my usual hunting grounds and in any case, my equipment couldn’t be worn. I didn’t feel like getting into trouble if caught without documentation of my right to use it. Still, I appreciated the gesture as a nice welcome. I was remembered by the immortals.

I spent the past couple days carrying on with my rediscovery and reacquaintance with towns and wild places. Found the shortcut to Caernivale under the bandit cave, visited Fartown and its N’rolav counterpart, Dundee and Milltown and their N’rolav doubles, the hunting preserve, grasslands, Verthedge, and Laleldan. Laleldan appears to have opened up more places to visitors. That was a nice find. Furfuz and the lilies on the island across the pier made the place a little less unpleasant. I know I haven’t been everywhere. But places like the lighthouse, sea dweller outposts, Aldwythe’s Landing, and the volcano maze are a hassle to get to And I don’t really see the need to make the effort unless I know for sure they have changed.

I’m wondering why there is a crack by the door of one of the Laleldan rooms, and I see that only one seal is fully intact on the door that imprisons some great evil. I thought all five were there when I last adventured. I also found the entrance to the Rat Nursery in the plains.

It is nice to have trustworthy water one does not need to make into tea, as well as skins for carrying it. There’s nothing like cool, sweet water to refresh oneself after long travel or hard training. Although the amount of plat I had to part with for the skin was a bit painful. Talk about gouging. But the innkeepers are shrewd; I’ll give them that.

It is interesting how things change. How sorrow can become solace and how changes in emotion change perspective.

When Lucius said he was unable and unwilling to guide and defend me any longer, I was devastated. How? How could he disown me? I knew I hurt him badly and I feel terrible about it, but was it truly enough to abandon me?

But thinking on it further, thinking about what he said, I believe I understand a little better. For one thing, he could have chosen simply not to answer me, or even to ask me never to write to him. But he answered all my notes and told me the truth, as he always did, no matter how hard for both of us. I know Lucius is in a different place in his life, is a different person now, but if you love someone, I think it’s hard to say what you know will hurt them.

When we spoke for the first time since my return, it was truly as if I’d never left. Maybe he didn’t want our first meeting to be spoiled by heartache. And maybe, though he no longer viewed me in the same way I saw him, he made an honest effort for my sake. He just couldn’t keep up the facade indefinitely and couldn’t lie to me, either.

Lucius said he let go of me because he had to. I imagine that is not an exaggeration. Feeling as deep as we had evokes great joy and bitter grief. He said he assumed I had left the lands for good and it was no use waiting, hoping. If I were in his place, I would see no choice in the matter, either. It’s either move on or drown.

Twice, he told me to be safe. He said he was glad to see me back. He said I was his greatest student. He said our memories as mentor and apprentice were good and that he’d always be my friend. Does one say those things to someone one doesn’t still hold affection for?

Lucius, I will always remember all you did for me, from giving me more potions than any Initiate has a right to have, to rescuing me at Aldwythe’s and lending me your blessed ring, to comforting me in times of sorrow, and joining me and Ophelia on Ethucan the first time I upgraded my armor. I will remember your advice, the patience with which you answered my questions, your disapproval of my choice of hunting ground and my fear, your reaction when I gave you a friendship ring a little after my sponsorship. And I’ll remember when you gave me your Duelmasters. I’ve since given them to Ophelia. I deemed her worthy. Oh yes, and I’ll remember the day of my sponsorship with joy and wonder, always. Even the embarrassing parts like me getting lost trying to find the Vanguard hall. I hope you will remember me with affection. It’s how I’ll remember you.

Viv and I talked into the wee hours of last night. I told her about my time with Lucius at home. I didn’t want people intruding, accidentally or otherwise. I think it helped me to accept our changed status. I asked if she’d trained anyone and she said she tried once but doesn’t want to again. I told her she definitely shouldn’t if her heart isn’t in it, but that I have found it to be fulfilling when conditions are perfect. It was good to get to know her a bit better.

But I haven’t gotten to the best part. The event that turned devastation into reverent rapture.

It was two days ago. Over guild chat, Synvasti and I were talking about where I was wandering. I said I was looking for changes. She said not everything was bad and asked if I’d seen the flowers and the bunny on the island. I hadn’t at the time. I had mentioned that the Viscontessa’s healer was missing. Word is he or she was killed. Scooter was abducted and no one knows where Tyral is since only his hat was recovered. The inn isn’t the same without the cute dog. And Tyral always had the latest news.

But moving along. I was walking through Verthedge and found Strom near the river bridge. And I found a beautiful wooden dragon. A couple days before this, I heard over GC of some problem on the bridge. A raid, perhaps. And then Viv told Bris he loved the dragon. I found out later that Sigarni had carved Bris a dragon, the very same I was caressing in such childlike joy. Bris gave it to Strom to comfort him, and in doing so, it also comforted me.

I was enthusing over GC. Syn was all, "There’s a dragon in Verthedge?" "Yes!" I’d exclaimed in absolute delight. Syn appeared in short order and came to admire it, too. I told her how sad and alone I felt, how I missed friends but was glad of the kind greetings I’ve received. She said she understood, that when she returned, she did not know the lands and saw no familiar face. I spoke to Elly of the same thing and she said not to worry, that everyone eventually adjusts, despite initial hardship.

Well, while Syn and I chatted, Tusonee, who was training nearby, mentioned a strange flower over GC. Syn and I were so engrossed that neither of us looked at the ground. It was fortunate he said something or the flower might have vanished. I pounced on it and showed it to Syn. A dragonfire lilly, it was called.

We began discussing where the dragonfire might have come from. I suggested the gods, but Syn thought perhaps it was the dragon itself. Maybe the flower appeared when I was praising the carving. She then asked if I wanted it. My heart did. It really did. It needed it. But since Tusonee saw it, I couldn’t just keep it without offering it to him. So I sent a note and he said he didn’t want it for himself, so it ended up with me. I think the dragon did indeed give it to me. I already have a flower in my hair, so another one makes sense. Tusonee said it suited me, and I found wonder equal to the day I was sponsored. The flower will remind me of the importance of empathy, selflessness, and community.

I took a break from adventuring to be with family, expecting that on my return, I could just pick up where I left off and carry on as usual. I couldn’t have been more wrong, on all counts.

First, there’s Lucius. We are no longer as we were. That is, I must get used to thinking of him as merely a friend now and not so much a sponsor. Or perhaps more of an acquaintance now. It is hard. I have so many memories of him. My time with him and Ophelia in Ethucan when I upgraded my grass armor is still one of the highlights of my career. How do I feel about that now?

I just don’t understand what happened. It is true I vanished without a word to anyone, but it’s not as though he’s never done it, either. He’s never been gone as long as I was, though, and he did always at least send a note.

I guess I assumed no one would really miss me. Or at least, that people would just carry on and figure that was the way of things. I’ve lost so many interesting friends to have learned it’s the way of adventuring. It’s not an easy life and I can understand why people get tired of it or find it’s not for them.

It was just something of a surprise. We were carrying on just fine yesterday. He did a good job hiding his discomfort. But then I asked if he had a Master Lockpick and he just…snapped. I suppose me worrying about encountering his evil double didn’t help. But he basically said his heart wasn’t in being a mentor to me anymore. He said he’s not the same person I once knew, that he has another special woman to worry about and he can barely manage the presumable stress of that. He chose her, and I admit that hurts a bit. I don’t understand why he can’t do both - be a lover and a leader. I guess I just thought he valued our relationship more than he does. I’m sure if I’d known he would resent me, I’d have done things differently. And now I’m angry at myself for feeling so lost.

I miss Morvan, Ophelia, and Azure, and none of them have been sighted lately. I miss Anu and Andy and they haven’t been heard from, either.

But there are many people I do know who sent nice greetings on my return. Topaz, Cody (always so cheerful), Elly, Purazon, Tusonee, Bibi, Kabs. I even met Kabs and Bibi briefly in Fartown yesterday. Bibi gave me a sweetroll with nuts. I was touched she remembered. I even met new guildkin: Sigarni, Viviyana, Thorne. I’m glad the guild is talkative. Helps me to learn news more easily and distracts me from wallowing in pain.

And now, for the places and events.

The first place I explored was Branishor. I always liked it there but when I entered, I noted the emptiness and quiet of the place. People hurry past and don’t look you in the eyes. It’s as though no one wishes to be outside if they don’t have to be. And it really looks like there was a major disaster or battle recently.

I thought the empty market stalls and missing Clerical armory was bad enough, but then I encountered the oddest fire I’ve ever seen or smelled. The fire is apparently alive. From what I hear, it is fueled by negative emotion and water makes it grow. Anyway, I saw a horror and thought to attack it and get rid of it, but then I was lying at Bran’s LM, stunned and burned. I thought maybe a group of us could attack the fire together, but others had the same idea and there are orders to leave it alone for now. Really inconvenient to have the mountain road blocked off, however. Needless to say, I’m no longer tied to the Bran monument.

I notice Milltown has lost another mill, there are new northern gates to it, and there are cats in the Enchanter shop in Caernivale. The Inn of Questionable Quality is missing its monkey and I have my eye on some strange machines underneath. I am just imagining never having to buy lockpicks anymore and yes! Those things are quite an expense now that eastern Valorn is divided by fire. It’s going to take me a while, though.

Guild halls are no longer safe. This is unsettling. And demons spit acid.

Two Knights have resigned from…Oh, that’s right. It is now the Iron Order, open to all professions. Going to take me a bit to get used to the new name and titles. There are Protectors and Commanders now. Happy to know any profession can be considered. I imagine it can only make them stronger to have different skills available. I never did understand how the former Knights stayed so calm under pressure during raid coordination. I certainly couldn’t.

I should carry on exploring. Never before have I felt so keenly that the world has left me behind. It seems everyone and everything has changed except me.

In speaking with Azure, Bris, and Iso about the Cleric election, I discovered that for me, the important issues are how each candidate plans to coordinate more with the Knights and Enchanters, as well as the ability of the candidates to work with others and be diplomatic. In light of that, I am leaning toward Shamson as the candidate I would vote for. From what I have heard about T'yandra and what I remember from seeing her with Elijah once, she comes across as a strong personality who is decisive but not very personable. Logically, I know that she would make a fine leader, since people like her are often hardworking and conscientious. But the thing is, I also wouldn't want to work for someone like that, who I didn't feel comfortable talking to. And she'd probably be a hard taskmaster besides. I think whoever wins, the other candidate would make a good Deputy or second in command. It sounds like, from what I've heard of both candidates, they offer complementary skills that would serve the Clerics and possibly Valorn well and would be put to good use if they were a team.

Not much to report on Fall Fest, since I was only awake for the end of it, but I was able to get a costume I could actually see myself in this year. Not like last year, when I got the Devora and Deadrock. I know some have fun with the Balthazar and god costumes, but I just wouldn't feel right wearing them. Anyway, I was a fire imp for a couple days. We'll see what I find next year.

I ended up finding most of the food, but forgot there might be some in Ryndall. I never have occasion to go there, so I tend to forget about the place. Turns out the cider was hiding there. Also enjoyed my favored roasted corn and popped corn, along with pumpkin tartlets and tasty ale cake. Poor Valera got her jaws stuck together with bonfire toffee yesterday. She was rather put out that I hadn't warned her, but I didn't realize she was going to eat it until she did. And anyway, it was old and hard. I'm not really a toffee fan myself. It gets stuck in your teeth, even if it doesn't glue your mouth shut. I know the corn gets stuck in teeth, too, but it's at least not sticky. Last I heard, she was on her way to a temple to get her jaw healed. I assume she's fine now. Nael said they could help. From personal experience, apparently.

The Korunga gala was a great way to end Fall Fest. There was a throwing contest, where people threw korungas at a target with painted sections - an outer ring, inner ring, and boseye. The korungas squished on impact and the resulting mess was judged based on where most of it was. Like if most of it was in the inner ring, it was deemed to have struck there and the person got twenty-five points. Ten points for outer ring and fifty for boseye. And a hundred if someone managed to get a korunga onto Balthazar Doyle's horns. Loss of points if folks tried to hit Pallas with a korunga. It was quite amusing. No one tried to target either of them. Perhaps it was their level of training and Balthazar...Well, yikes. Syclea, a newcomer to adventuring, ended up winning, with Emender as second place. They each got five thousand health potions and Syclea got a death reset scroll. Good, useful items. Andy and Sharian also participated and the most surprising was Urkki's throw. He actually did it with his eyes shut and got a boseye. It was funny and amazing. Aleki gave it a try, too.

I had to run at the start of the korunga bobbing, so missed part of it. But I made it back in time to try it myself. It looked as though Sharian had gone before me but I can't remember what she won. I got a honey treat, candy on a stick. I haven't yet eaten it, but I will one day. It was entertaining to watch as others took their turn with the korungas. Doyle, Pallas, Ellyana, and Kabs stood out with their performances. Doyle was shaking his long wet hair and Azure was all, "Use a towel." Funny. Kabs was the most dramatic, though. She had a Balthazar costume as well and she actually used her horns to throw korungas around until finally stabbing one. She had fruit falling off her and I tried to catch one flying through the air. Elly got a doorway crystal, but it's the only prize I remember aside from mine. Andy gave me a green silk bracelet, which I now wear in my hair, along with the other silk items I got as gifts. At the end of the party, we were all blessed by the Great Korunga. It was a real success and I enjoyed the event.

I've been idle these past moons so have had little reason to write. I did receive and respond to notes, and there were a couple times I met friends while I was active, resulting in socialization, but they were few. Once, I'd met Bris, Azure, and I think Urey. We'd gone to look at the Historical Society's new bookstore in Caern. Some weeks later, Lucius and I took a stroll there because I wanted to pick up books I was missing from my collection but never had reason to be out that way. We actually went the long way, which as a Rogue is rather unusual, I think. Guess it'd be like an Enchanter actually walking there.

I'd asked him why he wanted to train me. I'd wondered for a while but just never had the nerve to ask. All this time, and I'm still hesitant to ask him questions I think are personal. I guess I worry about prying or being unintentionally offensive. We're supposed to be closer than that, right? Bah, we are. I'm kind of this way with Azure, too. At any rate, he'd said he wanted to sponsor me because he liked me, basically. I guess I stood out to him, which makes me glad to know. It's still a special and now nostalgic time for me, though we might not have met in time for my sponsoring without the Vanguard.

Otherwise, I've just been lounging around. When I finally ventured out yesterday, I found I'd missed a lot. My day started at Cerbie's. Bibi invited me to a gathering with Cody, Erin, Helena, Bayard, and Lucius joined us later. We were describing ourselves with adjectives that began with the same letter as our names. Bayard mentioned a party to be held at the inn, and we made our way over when it was time. Azure told a story about a mean guy who stole and ruined things for the entire community. Makes me think how mindful we as adventurers should be when dealing with civilians. I've long thought we represent more than just ourselves, whether we want to or not. I've made my share of mistakes, of course, but to think broadly that way is a good thing, in my opinion. The story also reminded me of the broken Obelisk of Power, clearly a case where intention went awry. I had to leave the gathering before it ended, so information is incomplete.

It would appear both the inn and Lucius underwent some dramatic changes. Very impressive, on both counts. I was told the Devora healed him with her hammer and he won a costume creation contest. Bibi was in fine form, flirting with him and Cody. Both were luxurious foxes, after all, and it was cute watching them wrestle. Lucius told them to get a den, but I was shamelessly watching the show. As for the inn, it's downright cozy now. The rugs are comfortable, the tables are thankfully free of graffiti, and the vine painting with the ale mugs is pretty and amusing.

The last thing of note are the elections for High Cleric. I haven't yet been able to meet the candidates. I hope I'll be able to meet each of them at least once so I have some idea who I actually want to vote for. The guild has been good about reporting information pertaining to the visits by the candidates so far, but I'd still like to be at a debate or session in person. I'm a bit curious as to why this is being decided by us. Was under the impression it is an internal affair, and I'm not sure we'd be informed enough to make the best choice. Also, if we are voting someone in, do they have obligations to us somehow? Do we get some kind of input or claim on the kinds of issues Clerics prioritize? Are we voting about whether or not we should have a voice with the leading Clerics? Because if that's the question, I think it'd be a good thing to have some kind of liaison. Adventurers encounter interesting developments that may be of use to some group or other, assuming Clerics, Enchanters, etc are not omniscient like the gods and can't see everything going on at any given time. Or alternatively, adventurers may or may not have insight into issues that were never thought of by the leadership. Could be good to start a conversation, even if it is filtered, than to have different professions holed up amongst themselves with the same people attacking the same problems. Speaking of, why don't Rogues have a group? Enchanters and Clerics have Councils and the Warriors have the Knights, but I haven't seen such a gathering with Rogues.

That's all for now. Off to find some Fall Fest food.

Due to laziness and many days, the latter part of Summerfaire and the weeks after are kind of a blur now. I just haven't had the motivation to write lately. So we'll see how this goes.

Last week, I went to Ethucan with Lucius and Bibi. It was a spontaneous decision and I had at most a marc to spare. If I hadn't asked Bibi if she had time to chat, I'd never have known about it. I was a little annoyed no one thought to invite me. Jaltz, Jobe, and Helena were already there and that's how we decided to go. Still, it was a nice time. Helena, Bibi, and I had sort of a bonding session. Girl talk, one could say. It's the first time I've really done something like that and I found it quite enjoyable. I think Bibi and Helena hadn't been there before. They really enjoyed the beach. I'd have rather been in the park. I like it infinitely better. I just really dislike sand and am not a huge fan of swimming. I went straight for the sourdough and sweet rolls with nuts. Oh, and the nectar. Bibi and Helena liked the bakery, which I was glad to hear.

Helena and I had a thought-provoking discussion about love the next day there. I'd fallen asleep on one of the benches by the fountain and woke to Bibi and Helena talking near me. Love as freeing and uplifting rather than obligatory and binding makes sense to me, but I don't think I could actually do it. It's not so much that I demand affection and gifts, but if I never got a gentle word or material items once in a while, I start feeling neglected.

Two weeks before the trip, GoRE held another footwear event. I was able to make it there and won a HelmMod Int +1 and 300 plat. Pallas won 200 plat and Matt got a hundred, plus the grand prize, which was a Reserve Stat scroll. Poor Matt kept losing to me, to Pallas, to Azure, but he got the jackpot prize. I think Azure got a Glowing Amulet. I remember someone got a blank amulet. I can't remember who now. Might have been Corwyn, but I'm not sure.

I was able to attend the Vanguard's roulette event. There were many prizes, some of them rather unpleasant. But that made it a bit more interesting. Garlan got an oozing bear scalp, for instance. I got a primitive, a candy ball, and a silver bracelet. Leila got jewelry. I believe Auda and a Rogue got treasure boxes. Might have been Thorn. I think Urey got a Lesser Amulet. I won more plat because my name was pulled for a drawing at the end of the event, which Auda also won. The most dramatic occurrence had to be the wheel launching Bibi through the roof like the cannon. She'd said she wished the wheel was like the cannon. No one expected it to come true. She was fine and rather enjoyed herself.

Then there was Azure's story event. It was heartwarming. Azure told a story about Otter painting the sky blue, and there were riddles from Helena and Boran, which Leila answered. At the end, we celebrated our companionship and Pallas said it was special to have people to defend Valorn with and also laugh with. We agreed we'd value such memories of respite and community when life gets us down.

I attended the closing ceremony. The blossoms thrown with the gems were a nice touch, I thought. I told some of those present, like Leila, Pallas, and Helena, about my first visit to Ethucan and my chat with Appius, while highly recommending his shop. I think she and Bibi went nuts in there, like I did the first time. It's just lovely for people who like breads and sweets. Of course, the Laleldan bakery has tea and pastries, and those are really hard to resist, too. There are unique foods in each place, so it's good that way.

And that's all I can remember.

Following on from my last entry, I did manage to explore the rest of N'rolav Laleldan with the help of Leila's light blessings. It was great that they last a pretty long time, so there wasn't too much hurry. It's not too expansive down there, and you can't really get lost, so I managed to procure the icky flesh armlet with little trouble. Not that I ever plan to wear the thing, but it's the principle of the matter. I'm in no hurry to ever return to that Laleldan. The greenhouse is preferable, even if the plants are murderous. Oh, and I did explore the Canyon. There is an interesting little room there, with pictures of some kind. But the rest of the place is rather nondescript.

I think my favorite places in Valorn are still the top level of the Cave of Night and the N'rolav tombs. I think the bottom levels of the tombs were the best for consistently good amounts of straight plat and no loot to speak of, so very easy killing. And the murals are simply fascinating, and some even beautiful. For a place of death, it is a paradox to find such joy in N'rolav.

A week of Summerfaire is gone. Amazing how quickly it went. This year, Corlan moves around instead of staying in Dundee by the trade market. It's good to see him at events. It was funny at the opening ceremony, because as soon as the party got underway, I was asking where the food was and I hadn't seen Corlan join us. Topaz pointed him out and I went, "Oh!" Many of us got into the spirit, laid down our responsibilities for a brief time, and just enjoyed and indulged in the fellowship and food/drink.

I was unable to attend the cooking event. Would have liked to try the food. I can't cook, but food is often a good temptation. I forgot about KoV's event until it was too late and the fashion show just wasn't my cup of tea.

I was able to make it to GoRE's VALORN game and ACV's killing contest/word game. I enjoyed both events, even if the GoRE event was a little embarrassing. I thought I'd won one round but had only matched five numbers instead of six. I must have counted a duplicate number I had twice. Azure was saying Warriors can't count, but it must be bad when a Rogue can't. I officially won two rounds. I got a footwear scroll which I used on my boots and a treasure box which Thorn rhetorically stated I didn't need help opening. I rather liked the irony in that statement. I would have won another round but Pallas beat me to it, and then I decided I won enough and quit playing. There was funny banter when Pallas won because he got a doorway crystal. It was insinuated Calamon wanted to get rid of him, but it was a lost cause because he'd find his way back. Throughout the game, there were a lot of puns about shoes and feet, mostly courtesy of Azure and Thorn. Calamon and Avasta were gracious hosts and I liked that if there was a tie, Calamon made sure to give consolation plat. Indeed, Nisli made something of a profit from the event as a newcomer to adventuring. She miscounted just like I did but won the next round with Pallas. Since Pallas beat her to the call, she got plat, and then she won in her own right the round after and won more plat as an official prize. She was happy she wouldn't have to farm for a little bit. Pallas said she looked like a Rogue in the making.

ACV's event started off a bit confusing, and I'm still uncertain how Calamon and I became the official winners, but I figured since it was established that numbers and I don't work well together, I just went along. The word game worked on association. One person was designated as the clue giver and another as the word guesser. Teams consisted of pairs, and clue givers had to lead guessers to a given word by using single words that were associated. Like if the word was "korunga," one might use "fruit" or, more obscurely, "bouncing" or "Kilican." I enjoyed the intuition required to make connections and links based on previously given clues. And there was none of the self-consciousness elicited by games like charades. There was even some strategy involved, since one had to think of associations that weren't too general but not so obscure that people had no idea in which direction to go. Ovignan was my original partner, but she had to rest. It was great to work with Calamon. I was also happy we got to take turns giving and guessing. Actually, it was really funny. Azure was at the event for most of it but then she had to go rest. A new round had started and it was Calamon's turn to give clues. So he says, "Iron" just as Azure walks away. I guessed "Knight" partly as a joke, but it turned out to be the right word. Calamon held up a hand, possibly in self-defense, swearing he didn't plan it that way. Topaz won the killing contest, which was a timed event seeing how many kills could be made within three marcs. Pallas and Drear got similar amounts of kills, but Pallas had a bit more. All participants in the games got money. I did contemplate the killing contest but with Topaz participating and me not having free farming or as much speed, I figured I stood a better chance with the mental exercise. I don't work well on deadlines.

In other news, I spend time hunting violets. I'm going to try for a master amulet, or at least the best greater I can get. The power of the amulet is more important to me than whether it's a master or not. I was undecided for a while as to whether or not I'd try for another amulet because the one I have is decent, but every time I see someone with a master or better greater than my own, I feel envious. So it's clearly more important to me than I knew.

On a final note, there's a historian who stops by the inn occasionally with official books about Valorn's background. I met her a day or two ago with Pallas, Urkki, Azure, and an Initiate whose name escapes me. I have a copy of a book on languages. It's a first edition, before it goes on sale to the public. The book prompted a discussion on sea dwellers and I expressed confusion as to their hatred for humans and my idea that we could have traded useful items. I was told we did have such an alliance once, and the historian said she'd speak to her colleagues about the lack of general knowledge about the animosity between our races. They have such an interesting outpost on Kilican and their sculptures in the cave near the lighthouse are fierce and memorable. I recall various kinds of weaponry depicted, and that speaks of intelligence to build and shape, rather than just use the environment. I know I'll be keeping on the lookout for new books as they appear. There was talk of a book shop of some kind. I am unsure if that is speculation on our part, but I heard the historian was saying the Society eventually wants to have a place for their books, and that selling them at the inns was a temporary measure.

So Lucius is a Rogue again. It feels right. Something was off about his previous profession. Not that I couldn't see him that way. I thought if he weren't a Rogue, he might make a good Warrior. But he seemed...unfulfilled, unhappy, like he thought it was the best he could do but really, his passion was elsewhere. I woke to his tortured agony and I think I stopped breathing for a moment. Then the shock passed and I asked if he wanted to change profession. I've learned that some people don't renounce their profession but become Initiates again for purposes of crystal hunting or farming. He said he did and I assumed he still wanted me for a sponsor. He'd mentioned it on his return to Valorn. I think I've learned to read him a bit better over the year and a half I've known him. Granted, he's still somewhat...obscure at times, but I didn't have to ask so many questions and hopefully, I didn't make as many mistakes as the last time we were at the Temple together. Admittedly, it was still a little nerve-wracking. Seems a bit presumptuous to sponsor the one who sponsored you, but since he already had no profession, I didn't have time to succumb to the anxiety. Azure kindly helped me with equipment and I made it to the Temple just in time. I have a habit of cutting it close that way.

I'm happy I could help Lucius, but unhappy as well, just because I don't think I did very well sponsoring him. Just signed the form and gave equipment, really, and any sponsor can do that. I feel like I just muddled through and only did a partial job. But he doesn't really need to be taught. I hope it was enough. I tell myself it's me and the profession he wanted, and he's not as sentimental as I am, so it's probably fine. But I think he deserved more. Somehow. Well, it's already done. I hope the profession brings him satisfaction.

Have changed hunting grounds to N'rolav Laleldan. The guards are the toughest creatures I can handle without having to stab them, and what's more, they are predictable. I don't get surprised by a different attacker and the experience rate is therefore more steady. I could handle the courtiers, too, but poisoning I think would just slow me down.

Was able to chat with Anu, so that was good. We were talking about the greenhouse. Apparently, there are triples by the compost heap. Yikes. I find retreating tiring, so am loath to take on doubles or triples if not necessary. So I wasn't going near them.

I managed to look around N'rolav Laleldan. It's...well...disgusting. Especially the corpse flowers. The minstrel gallery was also striking. The zither and the skeleton. I will have to return next level with light blessings. There are dark areas I could not explore. And was warned about the wyverns in the Canyon. I suppose there'd be no shame in being killed by one. Not like the one time I was killed by a viper. Was distracted by guild chatter and I daresay a little arrogant. I was level twenty-two at the time. Ah, the nostalgia.

I'm about 70% to level 65. Shouldn't be long now. I'm thinking two or three more days. It's too bad Ophelia won't be around to see it. I'm sure she'd have been proud. What to do after that? I'm not entirely sure. But I plan to stick around as long as I can.

And a final note for the day. I got a Blessing of the Gods' Favor after a raid in the Eastern Mountains. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I was at that raid to help clear it, and just made sure none of the "smaller" demons were missed. Still, it was a nice thing to receive. The guards were definitely much easier for a little while.

I advanced to level 64 today. Nearly done training and it's tough to keep going in a way. Odd how that works. End is in sight and I'm losing motivation. But no. I'll chip away steadily and I'll be very proud when I accumulate the needed experience. It's just hard because the training grounds I've found are either too risky or not risky enough. I've settled on the Drowned Lands since I can hit the creatures hard enough to do enough damage to kill them before they kill me and I'm not completely dependent on my daggers. Though I think I will wander around N'rolav Laleldan for variety and just to see the place. The Canyon is much too dangerous. I will have to see that next level.

I sent greetings to Shirila and Helena. I heard their names before and wanted to meet them. Azure sponsored Helena and Lucius mentioned her in conversation. I learned that Shirila had witnessed the infamous incident of the ivy eating Iso and Zanaan and just had to get that story. Turns out the story was as funny as it sounded on the notice board. Gives new meaning to the expression, "I hope he chokes on it." It was fun "talking shop" with Shirila and complaining about impatient people who expect help just because they ask. Helena struck me as polite but beyond that, I don't know her well enough. I asked her how she knew she wanted Azure for a sponsor and she said it was automatic. I'm very glad she had such an experience. Being that Azure is around often, that's very good for students, and she's so kind to her friends, I can only imagine how she'd treat sword daughters. She's run through some dangerous territory just to cheer me up and bring me food. I have so many fond memories of scoldings and incredible acts of kindness and love from both her and Lucius and I'm so glad and fortunate to still be strong friends with both of them. Calla once told me she believes we attract what we are. I don't know. I don't think I'm as helpful as I maybe should be. I'm certainly not as patient. But if my own devotion has attracted equally loyal people, perhaps she's right.

Speaking of Calla, I managed to write to her and Garlan. It's wonderful to still see people I know around. Tarryn is still around, too, and Ophelia said if it hadn't been for her, she may not have stayed long enough for me to train her. Tarryn seemed somewhat lonely when I last spoke to her, but without mentors like her, there's the possibility the lands would lose good people. But it's a sad fact many people don't stay regardless. Sometimes it helps just to get away long enough to start missing people.

Managed to catch up with Iso, Bris, and had a fun talk with Roseden about spiked shields. That'd be neat. Vardian sent a greeting as well, and Purazon did over GC. It's been very quiet in the guild lately. And to think last year, I said the guild talked too much. But I was happy to be welcomed back and was sad to have missed Anu. I have fond memories of him, too, in my newer days when he'd sneak up on me and enchant me and his help with my apprenticeship form quest, even though he'd successfully dissuaded me from Enchanting. Ah well. I think eventually, we'll be awake at the same time. And I asked after Morvan, but I haven't seen him and no one else has, either. To think of him makes me smile. He was generally cheerful like that and someone I felt at ease talking to. I'd better stop this line of inquiry. I'll start asking where everyone I used to know is, and then I'll get depressed. I keep hoping people will return.

Well, I'd better get back to work.

I really need to learn to keep up with news better when I go away. I return and have so much to catch up on. It's nice to take time off, see family, be able to think about something other than training and plat and marcs spent alone in the wilds. But somehow, as peaceful as such a life is, eventually I find I miss the solidarity with those who have the same need for purpose, for freedom, for making one's own way in the world. I find I don't quite fit in with those who don't defend Valorn. But then, maybe I never did. At any rate, I managed to hear and read about Elijah's death; Albertus' briefing concerning the tainting of the Obelisk of Salvation, Balthazar's life monument, and a weapon he's still working on; Laleldan Village and its fine shops; Cerbie's new menu items; and the scary greenhouse.

I met Azure at Cerbie's yesterday. I'd told her I liked the crabthing soup and the salad, but was unsure if I should try the termite egg because it was a termite egg. But then she said it was her contribution to the Grill, and well, I supposed I had to try it in that case. Seeing her glowing frying pan shield makes me chuckle. I say it'd be a good weapon, never mind a shield. After some trepidation, I tried the egg and found to my surprise that it's just the way I like it. Not too raw but not so well done it's hard.

My first order of business today was to roam the village. I was impressed by everything. I love living so close to pies, tarts, and tea. I like the honeyed tea and both kinds of tarts.

Lucius suggested I get some new shoes. I was hesitant at first, but then decided I couldn't resist such soft leather and they really are more comfortable than I expected as far as shoes go. I'm happy with the purchase. Cost me a pretty silver but I found it's quite fun to spoil myself sometimes. I never thought I'd see the day I'd spend so much on something...well...luxurious. I do have the silkspun clothing, of course, but I don't see that as necessarily optional. Not that footwear is, either, but still. Lucius and I had a nice chat in the bakery afterward, munching on meat pies. I knew he'd like the hats and figured he'd get the red suit, too. It was so good to see him again, to talk as gently as we always have, to be able to feel his hand on my shoulder. It was reassuring, like something dearly missed was returned.

Then, I went in search of flowers. I saw some people wearing them and Tyral mentioned the portal to carnivorous plants. So off I went, hoping I wouldn't die shamefully. I ended up making it out alive and finding some blossoms and wicked-looking thorns. But something unexpected happened when I emerged from the greenhouse.

I ended up in the much-maligned and frustrating volcano maze. I walked a little ways and then realized that I could be down there for a long time if I didn't expedite things. So I teleported out and while climbing the steps to Branishor's lookout tower, I commented to Bris over guild chat that I was glad for teleport scrolls, or else I'd be trapped in the "godsforsaken" maze. Not like I can read maps, so I don't bring them. Next thing I knew, I was glowing with a Godly Blessing and I heard laughter all around me. I had to laugh myself, and found my heart full of joy. I came down the steps again and met Bris, who had a flower for me.

This was indeed one of my better days.

This week saw some interesting meetings. I was overjoyed to see Rae awake a couple days ago. Also managed to congratulate Kabs and Cody on their titles and even saw Kabs in person briefly at a raid on the Knights' castle. I greeted Joy some days ago and had a nice chat with Naia about her new guild and how far she's come as a Rogue. Azure came by the tombs and kindly gave me a meal. I have yet to catch Bibi awake but am hoping we can talk. And Low got into trouble again, but what else is new? I have to wonder about all the mishaps before I began adventuring. Crazy Rogue.

I did end up finding the exit from the Obelisk and also found a treasure box while farming. Am sort of afraid to open it, though, so it's sitting in my vault for now.

The Knights' castle is all spruced up. I almost couldn't recognize the place. It felt great to wander through. Kudos to the adventurers who helped out with the massive effort. Me, I don't like that sort of thing, though do feel a little guilty for not having helped. But you should see the inside of my pack. It's a wonder I can find anything in there.

I'm still trying to grow accustomed to Lucius as he is now. It's gotten somewhat better, but his arm is really what flusters me at this point. The rest I acknowledge and accept, but I don't know how to deal with his disability. And I don't know how to speak of it. I feel sorry for him, and I know he would not appreciate that. And yet, doesn't disability mean limitation? To not be able to do things as efficiently or as easily as before? But the last thing I want to do is insult him by trying to be too helpful. It would seem we have to discuss this at some point. Otherwise, I'm not certain I'll know how to behave. But I can't be the one to ask. At least, I don't think I can.

A note I received has got me pondering the meaning of friendship. The upshot is that I feel badly for not feeling as close to some as to others. And yet I know it's not my fault. It just happens that way. And first impressions may not always be right, but they do have an undeniable effect. Still, I thought I cared about the people I'm not as close to. In the end, my heart loves whom it will, and if I could control it, I certainly would. All I know is it's better to have than to not have, at least in terms of good things.

It feels odd to hold this journal in my hands, to rifle through pages, after not doing so for some moons. My emotions are in turmoil and I write to hopefully disentangle them into some semblance of coherence. Once, I wrote reasonably regularly, but that, like my days since my sponsor wandered away again, fell by the wayside. Though truth be told, I didn't have the heart for my normal activities in any case. Mostly, I stayed home and answered notes. My friends were very kind and understanding, and no one pushed me to live again before I was ready. Purazon was especially helpful.

Eventually, a day came when I longed to go outside again, to explore and maybe do some farming. Little by little, the desire grew, and I found myself reading notice boards to attempt to understand the state of the world and glean news of adventurers. I read about a riddle contest, demons dancing around the broken Obelisk, guildkin with modified weapons and a few people who received titles. I even heard tell that the Viscontessa had actually invited petitions and as a result, said weapons had been customized to each person. I truly regret that I missed such a rare opportunity. I'm happy for Kabs, Cody, and Vardian. All good people. A little envious, too, I will admit, but I don't begrudge them.

After catching up as best I could, I ventured to the inn. I believe it was two days ago. I knew some of the patrons and not others, but the thing that struck me at the moment I entered was disorientation. A conversation was in progress and I found I could not speak. I just felt bewildered and excluded, as though I no longer had a place in Valorn. Or at least, not a place among adventurers. I stood there a while, contemplating that this must be how Initiates feel, and when a raid was called, I slipped out and went back home, more grieved than when I'd left.

But then I got a note from Ixon, tactfully inquiring about an item Lucius had, and I smiled at the recollection of the history. In turn, I told him of the recent Fall Fest items, like brass rings, custom clothing, and the masks we made ourselves. I was impressed with him and am glad I got to talk to him a little.

The next day, I woke to find a note from Lucius. I could not believe my eyes. I never expected to see him again, much less speak to him. At that moment, I felt a curious mix of joy and horror. But the horror mostly stemmed from his very different appearance. I couldn't speak for the second time in as many days and openly stared at him in shock. And then I felt awkward as I scrambled to come up with how to treat him. I didn't want to be completely tactless, but given the way I was being treated, it was clear the affection was still there on his end. Finally, I asked myself how I would treat him if I ignored his appearance and just focused on who he is to me. I yearned to ask what happened, how he was so injured, but given that it occurred so recently, I didn't want to mar our reunion. So we arranged a meeting and I found to my chagrin that I didn't know where the place was. I chuckle now at the memory because it was just like the day I was sponsored and got lost. He found me and asked if I needed help and it was embarrassing and wonderfully nostalgic. We spoke and I told him about meeting Ixon and my lack of significant activity since his departure. And he said to speak to me was as if he'd never been away.

It is still hard for me to reconcile his current injuries, still difficult to think of them without fear, and for this, I'm ashamed. I suppose one cannot remain exactly the same when something so drastic happens, but will I still feel the same if I find how he's changed? So far, he seems the same, but I keep worrying that it might not last.

On a final note, I went to explore the Obelisk after our chat. I am still doing so and it would seem I've found a new farming ground. Then again, maybe not. Might be a real problem getting out if a raid is called. I do have means of teleportation but hate using them unless I can be reasonably sure the raid will still be going on by the time I arrive. Farming the N'rolav tombs is a similar situation to the Obelisk, come to think of it, but I have the option of a definite exit. I'm sure there's a way out of the Obelisk, but I have yet to find it, and it was hard enough finding the tunnel I'm currently in. Yes, it will take some practice learning to navigate again.