Freedom... freedom!

Wearing the badge again, ugh.. How she does this day in day out is beyond me, still.. I imagine I can do some good here. Let's see..

Is it the absence that makes the heart grow stronger or the total emersion into someone else that does it? I am not so sure these days. I slept a lot, as my friends know. I sleep a lot still, and I miss the lands. But, I am here. The dreams that I had while sleeping were so strong.. So.. Surreal. I cannot believe what I felt, what I feel.. What is happening.. Truly good things come to those who wait? I don't know precisely if people truly do get what is coming to them. Perhaps this is a test I must face.

Indeed to get to where I need to be, it is not just the passage of miles, the mine fields of emotions, time, life and death. By the drink or by smoke will I find what I want and seek? Have I found it in this? Truly my mind is bent for me to even write like this. I mean, what does any of this mean. Surely I do not know.

Dulcet tones in my ears, images before my eyes.. Saying and feeling things.. Doing.. I will not even write about what I am doing. What is the true measure of this whole ordeal I wonder. Numbers? Sharks? Does it even matter? Of course it matters. Everything matters.

Questions, answers, stories, looks, blushes, hats, eyes, lips, memories... It is not enough.. Never enough..

How does a person measure bravery? What is bravery?

It is a fundamental question which I have been asking myself each turn here lately. Break down what it is to be brave in the real sense of the word. Not the actions but..the sense of it all. I do not think that in order to be brave means you have to rush into battle, axe held steady, armor strapped on, most of the time. The slappy gnome will never let that one be lived down.

But anyways... I think that bravery in my life has been defined..or at least a product of being able to at least attempt to do the right thing. Not long ago I did not think this way. Indeed.. I could not bring myself to do the right thing alot of the time. Patience having never been a particularly that I can remember having.. So I lean on another word.. Will. Force of will to keep my mouth shut. Or is it another persons will shutting my mouth for me? Wow again look at me. Not being able to articulate what I want here. If I could center my mind more often when I am not hiding, than when I am hiding in plain sight perhaps I would get things done.

I am brave in my way. But, without others logic and strength.. would I be?

My hands seems strong. They feel strong when I look at them, I tend to think they are that. But.. When someone is ripped from them. Ripped away in the dark and devoured then what. How do you handle that. I don't know how is the answer.

Do you remember.. Standing in the new hall. Her screams echoing through my mind. Birds at the height of flight coming and going. My badge said maybe I should get them together. So I did. It all seemed fine. I thought I was brave then when the unthinkable happened. She watched me writhe in pain, and in a flash I felt weaker than I could have ever thought possible. And the screams? How two times in one lifetime am I going to be forced to watch her get punished for no reason. Ripped from my hands as a candyball from a babe. Unable to even add my light. They have been there this whole time. Them for me, me for them.. For long beyond reason. Every day feels like a flashback, only this time.. This time we are stronger.. Wiser. We see the errors of the past and will not repeat them. Nothing else matters.

They seem like such strong hands..

**several pages appear to be torn out roughly, leaving jagged, irregular edges in their wake**

I have never ever had such a hard time not writing things that are on my mind.. What purpose is there behind a journal anyways if not to share my thoughts? 'I make you free', or so this little book will claim. I suppose in this situation, I am better off not asking why I feel I cannot write things..

Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand how things in this land go as they do. Indeed life yes? We spend our time waiting for the other boot to drop and squash us, yet we carry on with our lives. So when you carefully evaluate your life what do you get? A journal full of insane ramblings? Perhaps you ended up with fabulous friends who adore you to the end. Perhaps you ended up with the perfect woman, or, perhaps you lost her.

I am going to try to not end with you being filled with insane ramblings. I need to focus here, which has not been my strong suit of late.

We have built the first true building for the guild. Emmy let me draft the designs and I decided on utility not grandeur. In fact I have hardly left it since we brought the tables and cots in. While I am here, the world seems bathed in a celestial light. It has taken a lot of personal will to not go dancing about in Milltown grinning like an idiot. We are designing what seems to be a tree-house of sorts. I think my vision may be a little different than everyone else's, but I do not mind all that. I cannot just jump and hope that everyone will accept my designs.

I'm not the world's most passionate guy either. And that is on display a lot I think. Attempting to separate certain aspects of my life from others has inherently left some out in the cold. A mixture of Pride and Fear always is something I am dealing with. But also, trust. I am not some bogan who sits about all day ignorant of the comings and goings around me. Sometimes.. Just sometimes even I get burned so badly there is no going back. My ability to trust, which, was taken? I thought perhaps I needed to find it, and shockingly.. I discovered that I had it all this time. No one stole it, I was keeping it back, suppressed.. Layered behind my wall of pride which is near impossible to tear down. Nearly impossible.. But, and here is the shock.. It has been done..

It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for.. Well.. You get the idea..

**the writing is slightly angled and looks like it has been written in anger**

What a day... It started so well.. It cascaded into the best day I have had in the time since I woke.. Then came crashing down with a resounding thud. I cannot even bring myself to write it. I do not want to relive it ever.

I was going to write a story about two cats.. But I do not have the inspiration any longer..

I would not believe it if it didn't happen. The stuff of legends some have said.. But for me it was, and is quite real. In these plain pages I will write the event down, if only so that I do no forget it. It bears being remembered forever....

From rare flowers on the shore, to godly blessings while I sat with Dark Sickness.. I had been having a rough go. In all this time what have I to show but a broken path.. Nothing. Yes, there is the guild which is amazing.. I have students and family, the most amazing friends. But my own personal accomplishments feel muted. Or felt...

I was in the dead zone. The usual beatings were not helping so I asked to be left alone. I traveled into the mountains. I didn't have a particular destination in mind, my feet moved of their own accord. The temple there was warm and inviting in the past... It was no exception. I removed my shoes and entered that place of reverence. The acolyte said nothing as I knelt and silently prayed for a time. I did not want to leave that place, so I sat and answered notes.. I even asked the acolyte for guidance.. But true to form she said nothing. As my frustration got the better of me, I knelt again and prayed aloud.

I prayed to the Viscontessa Miranda.. I bade her remember when I wore her robes as a cleric. I held nothing back as I explained aloud my feelings and issues.. I asked her for guidance as I did not know what to do, or how to handle my own personal failures, real or perceived... Adrift at sea, with no heading..

As I sat down, I looked upon that acolyte once more.. It was then that I felt.. I felt her watching, smiling.. As I felt the power enter my mortal frame I immediately went back to my knees.. tears in my eyes as I thanked her.. And then.. She was there.

Her presence dominated the temple, the very fire in the sconces seemed to flow to her, or from her I do not know which. And she said "you're welcome" Very simply.. When I managed to sputter the words.. "I am not worthy" She reminded me then that she was fond of mortals and.. that I should let her decide who was worthy and not. After she studied me for a time.. She asked me to pray again, this time to her in person. She told me not to waste her time..

I again related to her, this time.. my head bowed speaking to her in person, although I think now that she was there all along.. She listened until I talked myself out. I am not certain how many marcs I spoke. She asked me if the way that I acted.. The way I conducted myself was because I felt no direction. The answer to that is.. was .. Personal... I will not speak it or write it. She knows that answer now, and I think that had I not been truthful.. That meeting may have ended there. I asked her then, a simple question of my own as I chanced to look upon her.. I asked her if she knew my path, if she knew a purpose..

She answered me with another question.. She asked me why I turned from the clerical path all those years ago. Again, I was faced with the failures of my own past from the lips of a god. Why indeed.. Many of my close friends know that ever since turning to warrior I had missed being a cleric. The.. The joy of an initiate heading off to try for the scepter, the relief on the face of someone deep in battlle as you heal them.. Knowing that in some small way a piece of you travels with people as you bless them for their days work.. all of these things I left when I became a warrior once more. I do not regret that choice... being a warrior is a pure joy. I told her the simple truth. I was afraid. Afraid that I would never achieve the...ability to be a true cleric. And that, turning from the path I was on would doom me to that fate.. In my fear of the moment, I showed her my armor, which I chose for the simple truth. Because with it I could go back, if and when I overcame my fear..

She was silent for a long time as she studied me now. Her eyes piercing me... The silence deafening.. Then she spoke..

She said she could offer me meaning, give me purpose.. But there was a price which had to be paid.. I did not ask her to explain, I merely looked at her.. She must have seen what she wanted, because she continued. She promised me that she would see to it that I would have the ability to become a complete cleric. She promised to change my armor, make it fit me better.. She would give me a holy ring, and I would give to her my war robes.. And I would have to pay with fifteen levels of my training.. I wasted little time..

I said simply.. "I accept your offer"

She wasted little time, noting that she trusted my word as a promise and understanding of what she was offering.. The explosion that shook the world was unlike anything I have ever witnessed... The entire temple filled with a light so bright I had no idea where it began and ended. I could feel no pain, but I felt the power fading from me. As the notes began to pile up she altered my armor.. She took my robes.. I could feel the knowledge of blessings enter my mind.. The light faded and I reached out to Emmy.. She was there for me as always.. The Viscontessa handed me my ring with her own hands.. As I donned her robes once more, she said one last thing.. That she would be watching me.. And with a trail of red sparks.. Vanished before my eyes..

I am a cleric once more.. And I have a lot to contemplate. One thing I know is... I have the very best friends a... a cleric can have..

I found you in the bottom of my pack journal. I almost cannot believe that I still have you in all honesty. I have read your contents and am struggling with some of your contents. Did I really write these things? I have no memory of many of the events here in, which is distressing. I suppose that is the purpose of all this, writing in here. Recording my history to be relived later in life. Things that happen which may not seem like much can be so much more over the course of time.

The fact is that things are happening. The pang of loss when people no longer wake in our lands is terrible. These last days since I have awakened, so many dear old friends have come to me. They speak of welcome and happiness in my return, and we always speak of those who have not awakened as yet. Indeed in your pages named and not named friends leap off your pages to accuse me of not being there when they needed me. Leaving perhaps because of the hopelessness of people sleeping and not waking. Am I one of those people? Could my words of hope and encouragement, love, have helped these people to have the courage to remain with us and fight on?

Alot has happened..I have been training my butt off, and it seems that I am making no headway. Silently slaying things things..But I know that I am in fact moving forward quite well...

Auda had an ordeal recently. Men throwing themselves at her feet in a dispicable display of the revolting ideas people pass for love in this land. They drove her to hide herself from the world. How can any man think that doing this to a woman is in any way a good idea? They destroyed her. Its indecent..its despicable..How in all of Valorn can ANY man do this...

Anyways...Emzel is doing quite well since our argument earlier this week. She is speaking kindly to me again..and training hard as ever. I am proud of each of my trainees..Valera is working so hard towards our common goal. I hope that when we get there, it will not be amiss..even if it is only between the three of us.

I shall have to get this cloak cleaned..

I am writing my most recent story here, so that I can remember where I left off the next time she asks....




Lavera sat at her camp, just outside the grassy walls of Fartown.

Her trusty dog Lex sitting near her fire as she organized her various bits and bobs, silently muttering.

"wrist guards...boots..swords..." she was the cleanest grassland bandit that the other bandits had ever seen..

The hood she wore, covered her features, but no passing bandit could escape her beauty.

It seemed that she had been fighting her whole life, just to be the loner that she felt she was destined to be.

Raising her head, she could hear the bustle of the crowds trading at Fartown's bazaar.

It was not unusual this time of year for the farmers to be turning in the crops...

causing Fartown to temporarily be the center of commerce for all of Valorn just one or two weeks before the Fall Festival.

Lex suddenly growled very lowly..causing her to snap from her reverie and look

about..subconsciously gathering her precious items into her pack, preparing to run.

Her keen eyes could see what was happening...

Cougars...

More than twenty slinking through the grass stealthily..

Lavera had never seen a cougar up close

The only reason she knew what she was looking at, was listening to the crazed explorers

who would at times venture down to Fartown..muttering about sheep and cougars...

Gripped by fear..she backed into the grass...but Lex would not come..

Much to her surprise and concern, Lex was actually going after the Cougars!

Fearing for her own life, and holding a hand over her mouth..

She slowly laid down and closed her eyes..hearing what was happening was bad enough

Lex did not squeal long, but what she heard stayed with her for the rest of her days.

The horrible sound of the only friend she had ever known..fighting to turn the cougars away from her.

And being ripped to shreds.

Lavera wanted with all her soul to do something.

She laid in the grass trembling as the cougars passed on the walls..

She laid there..listening as they tore into the town, killing everything and everyone in sight...

They did it she realised..not for hatred...

Not for food...

But for sport.

"what could I have done!? " she reasoned with herself..

They would have killed me on sight! But at least they would have been alerted!

Trembling...Crying...sleep overtook her..

When she woke..much to her surprise...

She was sitting at the fire, bound...

"a man! " A voice screamed in her head..

sat sifting through her things..just beyond the fire light..

He grunted as the light caught her now open eyes..acknowledging that he knew, that she knew, that he was in her pack.

And it was obvious he did not care..

Finding nothing of any great value..he tossed the pack to the ground

And came to sit near her at the fire..

"my name is Pub" he said in a gruff voice...thick with an unkown accent

"now you will tell me what has happened here"

As she related the story..omitting the part about Lex...he said nothing. Just sat there... staring at the fire... unblinking.

Finally..after a long while...he stood and began to gather his things..

Fearful that he would leave her for the cougars to gather up, she began to weep again

"you come with Pub" He said gruffly.

Now this was a prospect that she never imagined.

She had no desire to leave the grasslands..much less venture from Fartown, where she had lived her whole life.

When he came over to her, it was clear she would have no choice in the matter however...as he was much much bigger than anyone she had ever seen.

As he gathered her up, like a sack of corn...it was clear..that this was not the end of her adventures...



To be continued...

So I sit here after not having written a word in months. Its hard to even put quill to journal. I haven't had thoughts worth writing really. But I think...I think that I should. Soo...without delving into the real reason I have decided to write, and talk about the events of today that have me reeling and trying to place what really happened to words so that everyone can understand..

First off, I really have to compliment my apprentice Auda. She is a very dedicated soul, and will be a very fine warrior in time. She asks questions, and does alot on her own. I have to admit, that the demon scalp looks really good on my pack..*grins* I should have asked for three...

I guess I should write the real reason that I picked my book up today. I want to record the events of the day so that I do not forget them as I grow older...

I was training in the wall. Killing leeches...I guess I got a little bored with that, so I decided to pick up a bunch of stones and sell them. I wanted to go the normal way, but, as fate would have it, the wall beast was home. So I sent out some birds to tell others of his presence, and took the warrior express up to Caern. Once my time was up at the Life Monument, I headed into town and conducted my business with Dodgey Pete..

After that I headed back through the pass to the desert...thats when things went strange. I was walking along the escavated road..just like normal, heading back to the wall. Along the way however, and much to my surprise..I ran smack into an Elder Ant Warrior. I took one look and tucked tail and ran. Not that I wanted to, but I have tangled with these beasts before, and its not pretty. So, I turned around and, once again to my surprise, I was at the Temple Entrance! I did not even walk the path! What was even more concerning was, everywhere I turned, there were more ants!

Okay..so I started to freak out..there was no Crier alarm...no evidence that there had been..I had been awake for hours! Yet here I was, surrounded by ants! So..I called Az..and Emmy, and Angel..anyone who would listen...Az showed up, but all that was found was two ants! I counted at least six...I do no understand at all. Perhaps they burroughed into the sand..perhaps they just ran. Either way....I will never walk through the desert lightly again. It is clear to me that they are breeding down there...I wonder what we will do if they all come out at once....

And there is something that I do not know. People glancing about..speaking just beyond earshot, but not. I see things..people speaking, even stalking. I have seen alot this last week, and I wonder what to believe..what to think..

Iscax...yes...Iscax. I think sometime I will know the right answer..perhaps people will one day be straight with me..perhaps..

Love and loss, friends and enemies. Whats the difference sometimes?

There is alot to be said about the bravery of revaltions, especially when the matters are something that can scar and you. From the moment you open your mouth you are waiting for an exact response, and when it is not forthcoming, you are crushed beyond measure. I am here to say, that I don't know the correct answer most days. I just know the way that I feel, and the way that I am going to feel. Shocked before, thoughtful now, and by tonight...more than likely happy as a clam.

But one thing will bug me most of the day....how is a pretzel like a cookie?

And yet...

I have been camping under the stars, and fishing for what seems like forever now, though I know it to be only a week. I wonder if the fish know how good they taste?

The constant ache in my hand has subsided, and I no longer wake in the night to the dreams of the hundreds of thousands of beasts I have slain. It seems a simple task as we accomplish it, to kill the evil lurking in the lands, but I wonder something. As we spill the blood of those that seek to harm us, are we not spreading their evil across the landscape in the form of their blood? When a demon crumples before you, are you really vanquishing evil, or is the Bos just over the hill the next unfortunate victim of that evils taint, as he eats the grass upon which that blood now feeds. How many decomposing corpses lay underfoot as you walk these lands. The grains that make our ale, the bos that makes that Dundee Burger so delicious. All fed from the same source of rotting flesh under the land from our years of struggle. I sickens me even now. I eat the fish, the pure fish of another, untainted land, and I have come to realise that my body is changing somehow. I feel calm, a calm that I have not had since......since long ago.

I think back to the time that I spent, months and months in Fartown contemplating my awakening, eating from the land there, and living off basically nothing. Can it be? That I had been drawn there just before taking this trip? To spend a month away from the hustle and bustle of Dundee, to just reflect? No....I think it is the evil that has fed me for so long. I think that I needed to go there, to replenish that same evil. It is these things that I ponder as I sit near this bubbling stream, catching small fish and culling them. Relishing my triumph as I pull up a large one. Where have my simple times gone to. Why is it, that even here, I feel as though I must train?

My thought for the week:
I hate fish bones.

I rest each day now, sitting in the sunshine instead of the oppressive darkness of my holes about in Valorn. My hand hurts a bit, I think it was so used to clutching at the handle of my Ultimate Weapon as I slashed beast upon beast building my levels ever higher. I think I will practice with a blade a little tommorow and see if I can make the ache go away.

I don't miss all the evil and beasts there. I don't miss the glutteny of people selling things for outrageous prices on the market. Sitting alone with my thoughts has given me the time to ponder on matters such as this. I thought we were all in it for the common good. Not lining our pockets with plat......But enough about that. What I do miss is the people.

Its hard to explain. Some days there, I cannot move for all the messages I recieve. I marvel that I am able to train for a bit..much less gain levels. I would not trade it for anything. I miss my guildmates. I miss answering questions and explaining things. I miss the way they are all silent and listen to my stories of Valorn from before they were there. Being blessed 10 times with Protection spells...seeing Thorin sitting at the Dundee inn...wait a mo...he still does! I miss the light in my friends eyes when they find love. Their jubilation at gaining levels. See people very close to me gain their top prizes. Getting to level 62, obtaining thier UWs, creating new guilds and, once again, I am in awe that they choose to share all of this with me! Just me!

I fancy myself the simple Rogue I started out as. I wonder if people still remember me that way. Quietly slipping about and silently going about my business. I remember becoming a warrior. The messages of encouragment. I remember it all and it warms me. I remember the horror as the Demon Lord took my levels from me. I remember being moved to tears as the Queen and a large crowd just handed me plat and potions, and words of encouragment again. I wonder, if we all get back to the sharing and helping that I have seen, could we finally be strong enough to purge the lands of the plague upon us?

I shall continue to vacation. It feels good to remember these things as I do, without the drive of training, and the thought of what I must do next to nag upon me. You are all in my thoughts, and I would not trade my experiences for anything.

My thought for the week:
If living is instinct, then why don't people truly live, vice just exist?

I am sorry...thats the only words I can think of. I shall return, though when is the question. I just hope that things do not go to badly while I make my travels. And still, all I can think is...I am sorry..I had to. The time was right....I am alone.....

And I am sorry. I will write when I next wake Journal..till then...

**The writing ends with nothing more**

I was direct, and still got no answers that really helped me at all, though they were the answers I expected. I have only just returned from my travels, and already the confusion that I had when I left, has returned ten fold.

Thinking things through has never been something that suits me, however, there is alot of things to consider these days.

I am quite frustrated about this new room. The builders have been waiting on my bird, but there appears to be no push for it. Jade and Carmella have abandoned their want to join the Hammers, returning to the Blessed. I hope they are happier for it, but I wonder why they even bothered to attempt to join? Was there no hope from the start? Confusion....

Skyelark talked to me. Asking if I wanted to walk away from what little there is between us these days, but not directly. And when I asked the question again, she said no? Confusion...

Cel answered my questions again, as usual. But her answers seemed to only spawn more questions, as they usually do. But as for asking those questions, can I do that? Or will the answers just lead to more questions? And what then? Confusion...

Roxie is gone again. Blaming me this time. She did not understand where I was coming from, but it is no bother. She was dead to me. How long was I to suffer the insults and things that she had done to upset more people than I can remember? Joanne seemed well however..I shall have to try and explain it to Trea..though I am not sure I understand myself. Some people just cannot pull it together to see what they are doing. How will you know who they are Journal? Its easy..you tell them something, they persist in thinking its something else. They blame you for their bad decisions, and everyone around is a liar. *chuckles* You will meet more than a few in your time, but one less thank the Gods...

My thought for the week!
The only one to blame for your bad decisions, stares at you in the mirror.

What a day Journal!

I walked about in that blasted hole for most of the day. And after nearly 20 thousand potions..I did it..I ran out! I was at 91% and I ran out of potions! I rushed to Fartown..anxious to complete this level. I got what potions I could afford and ran back to that blasted hole in the earth. Its foul beasts moaning their anger at my days killing. I was there..deep in the bowels of it, running out of potions again. And I was saved. It may have only been 3% Dan..but you helped me to stretch my potions to complete that blasted level, and survive for the time needed to do it! I am eternally grateful to be blessed with friends such as you.

Having completed my training. I checked with the guild to see what service I could provide. And Cel was there..giddy as a school girl having just achieved level 51. Finally enough to gain her UW! And so I set out to search for a portal. While I walked, I thought back to the time when I myself needed that mysterious hole into the unknown. I remember coming through the wall, and I could HEAR her calling me from Bran. 'I FOUND IT!' She screamed. 'ITS HERE IN BRAN!' I was just stumbling along, thinking about the past, and then...I nearly fell into it...

I bet she heard me scream her name all the way in Dundee...'I FOUND IT!' 'ITS IN THE MOUNTAINS, JUST NORTH OF VERTHEGE!' She stepped in, and shook the world. Words cannot describe how proud I am of her. It takes alot to stick with it and get your UW...many in the lands have been here longer than us, and have not yet done it. Later on, she forged it into a weapon of light...*smiles* It matched her glow for the days accomplishments..

I spoke to Skye today. Kasi and her are great friends now *smiles* I am glad they are getting on so well. They both won a teleport scroll from the sandsculpting contest. Kasi made a castle, and Skye a messenger bird. They had a wonderous time..I am sorry I was not there.

Cel and I sat awhile with Anu, and he talked about what lay in store for us. *smiles* He knows alot, everytime I talk with him it seems I learn something. I found myself once more thanking the Gods I have such good friends with me.

My thought for the week:
Slower is Faster.....and thats the truth.

Oh it has been a few days that I will soon forget about I am sure. I can feel the sleep that I have gotten these past days rebuilding the flesh from my past wounds, and I am happier than I have been in some time.

I met with Shir today. She really is a good person despite what alot of people think. To my surprise, she was a rogue! I remember when I changed to warrior, it was the correct thing for me. But she, so high a level to make the switch! That took some courage that I never thought she had. She spoke at length with me about her past few days. From what I understand about the whole thing, she will probably come out looking evil yet again. But this is not the case! Pretense or no, some untruths were told, and Shir was not the one who said them! Oh I wish that I could warn her of these situations she gets into before she does, perhaps I can spare her the pain of them. But she is grown, and she makes good decisions. I know that good things are just on her horizon.

Az invited me to the contest today. I read the flyer and was quite excited to see Skye had booked herself a spot in it. I was even going to brave the crowd I saw gathering at Cerbies. But to my dismay, as I stood near the entrance, ready to step in, I did not see her in the crowd! I know how much she loves to sing. I am sure that she could have won the contest. I feel for her. I wonder if she knows the kind of faith that I have put into her. She has brought back the faith in women....No...she has brought back the faith in me that devotion does exist in the land. Though we have had a rough time thus far, the waves are worth the end I should think. Perhaps in time she will be able to heal the hurt that was dealt to me. Though, I am quite reluctant to test those waters thus far. She knows what it takes to stay with someone through the tough times, and with me, thats a reality. I am not a drama queen like some of the men here are, but I have my days. Journal, right now, it is Skye that keeps me sane, in this insane world.

Why is it that if there is some info to be had, that I cannot find it out just speaking to people? Alway it seems that mundane details..which involve me of course, are never told to me by the actual person that SHOULD be telling me, but by a series of random birds, that I have to decipher, then come to conclusions, then ask the person, then get answers. BAH! Its like I am back in school, only this time, I am the teacher and I have to decide what part of the rumor mill is actually true.

Oh well. The guild hall seems to be bursting, and we are near to a new room. Though it seems that no one really knows what they want in it. We will get there in the end, we always do. Our forum is in dire straits, but I managed to get it sorted out before anything serious happened. Now all that remains is building a new one, with the help of my great friend of course. She has rescued the Hammers..and I may be the only one who knows it as now..

I saw Skye last night. She gave me a pendant that she got when she was stranded in Euthucan. I quite like the way it looks..though it is a might heavier than my other. I am thinking that I need to make some big push in my life, in order to separate certain things in my head. I spend a lot of time being dazed instead of happy. I do not like it.

My thought for this week:
Mind games and lies by omission are far more painful and complicated than plain old honesty.

I awoke today and realised that so much has happened, and I have already forgotten so much. I decided that I need a way to remember it all, so that in my dotage, there will be no shocks to me as the memories fade, and time like so many things in this life, slip through my fingers. I trust journal that you will be my memory for me, and remind me of them in the many years that I have left waking....

So..I guess I can start with the last few days. I have been standing on the swamp path for ages, looking out at the Continental Doorway and thinking alot. It seems that I am destined to live in a life of turmoil and decisions. Many of which I do not like making, some of which I do. There are many who speak to me and keep me company in my hours of contemplation. Some even visit now and again.

Theres a simple peace in standing here, watch young adventurers heading into the swamp, some wandering there, others heading out to gain thier first good shield. And the older ones also. Heading out to the Guild Halls, or running about helping thier young charges. Either way, theres a simple balance to it, that is amazing to watch.

We are getting close to being able to build a new room onto the guild hall. I have been thinking long on this also, though it seems that the Hammers are having a tough time deciding just what they would like to see in it. Cel seems to have a handle on it, and even Gen is getting some planning in. I am sure it will be the best room yet.

I had it out with Skye last night. She is afraid to talk to me it seems, on some fear that she can hurt me by asking questions. Liela wants to help us both, but it seems..futile in a way. That fight if you will, is my main reason for writing in you today journal. Perhaps by writing out what I think, I can read it back and come to a better understanding of my actions? Or provide cheap entertainment for a passing traveler who find my pack as I train.

I think perhaps I will train..I can feel level 62..it is so close..Must train......