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The Storm and the Maiden
Wednesday, 24 May 2017
Within the Storm @ 12:33 - Link - comments
It is much too hard - sometimes near impossible to put sadness into perspective as it is a relative feeling which comes in varying degrees. It can be like a candle burning gently and harmlessly or a full-fledged fire destroying everything in site and controlled by nothing. And it can be everything little or big thing in-between.

It can bring on a feeling of madness and reclusiveness leaving one lost inside their own head drowned in grief. I've been retreating farther and farther away - forever fading deeper into myself. Left lost in pain and memory. I want out. I'm tired. Tired of a lifelong fight to keep from drowning. The years of fighting painful emotions - with fear and anxiety making it nearly unbearable the longer it goes on until one turn you wake up afraid you're going to live through the turn because you can't imagine another turn feeling like all the turns before . Do I WANT to experience that turn? It's all so unclear.

Some catastrophic moments invite clarity; bring relief, closure, acceptance ... whilst others explode into split moments. You smash your hand through glass, there is blood and shattered glass stained red all over the place. You fall out a window and break your bones and scrape up your skin. Stitches, bandages, salves and herbal ointments relieve pain and heal those wounds. But depression is not a sudden disaster. It is far more insidious. At first it is not even noticeable - perhaps just a deep sensation of slight discomfort or that feeling you get when something isn't quite right but can not put a finger on it. Until one day -- WHAM -- there is a deadly toxin that's made its way into your brain or your stomach eventually leeching into your entire body. And this awful thing that your body has produced is slowly trying to kill you - like a poisonous parasite.

Depression is a lot like a toxic parasite. And over the years it accumulates in your body, heart and mind - total negativity builds up in your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. You won't even notice it coming until it is too late because of how insidious it is. You'll go on thinking all this must be somehow normal, something we all experience until one day you realize that your entire life is just awful - not worth living - a horror that is a big black blot on the clear white terrain of human existence. And that morning finally comes where you DO wake up afraid you are going to live ...

I am not very frightened by the thought that I might live because I am quite certain that I am already dead. The actual dying part, the withering and decay of the physical body is only a formality. My spirt - that emotional being which dwells inside us all (or whatever you want to call it) - that inner turmoil which has nothing at all to do with physical existence is long gone, leaving nothing but a gods-awful excruciating and indescribable pain.

You as you knew yourself cease to exist.