Life has a way of bringing out the things you fear the most when the turns are painful, dark and depressing. And when you give in to that fear you open the door to all sorts of things you never expected. Not all of them bad but it is still scary none-the-less. Giving into fear is not the same as facing fear.

Right now it hurts like crazy to get up and be 'normal' - or at least act normal...whatever that persona truly is, I really do not know - but it is not easy to 'fake it and make' it so to say. Everything hurts from the inside to the outside - raw emotional pain that has become physical and widespread. I don't want to get up or wander of socialize and to do so where it is all fake is really torture. I am not good at faking anything because I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I know eventually I have to suck it up and get myself up and about socializing and giving attention where it is deserved. But I really have lost all desire. When it happened exactly I can not be sure - but this hole inside me only grows deeper and darker with the passing of time - confirming how little importance I am in this world. And the more I feel like I am nothing the more the nothing sucks me in until I will become just that -- nothing. Sometimes I welcome the thought of non-existence, there will be no more fight and no more pain but other times it frightens me because existing is really all that I know.

Fear can be so paralyzing. It is the most destructive thing in a persons life if they chose to give into it. But the finality of what it can bring is tantalizing. It is better than carrying on pretending.